What Your Starbucks Drink Says About You

I decided to write this while on a date from hell at my local Starbucks. Yeah boys, this is what happens when you’re about as entertaining as my left toe. So naturally as a woman, my mind began to wander into thinking about anything and everything that had absolutely nothing to do with my date. Things like… “What am I going to do tonight?” “I wonder what Grandma’s doing.” And in this case, “Why did he just order a hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles?”

Call it judgmental, but this was just the icing on the cake, or, “sprinkles on the whipped cream”, if you will. But between his talking about his love for Nickelback, his obscene potty mouth, or his current alcoholism, nothing he could have said or done at this point was doing a good job at convincing me that he’d be getting a second date anytime soon/ever.

This date with Mr. Wonderful, along with my working knowledge of Starbucks customers given my part-time job background, led me to believe that what you order from Starbucks might say a lot about who you are. So, let’s start with Mr. Wonderful and his super duper hot chocolate.

Let me first start off by saying that at any age, it is always acceptable to order a hot chocolate. Who doesn’t love a nice warm drink on a cold winter’s night? But as a twenty-three year old college graduate, you should never specifically ask for additional whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles — especially on a first date. Everyone loves a sensitive guy — but my idea of ‘sensitive’ is loving John Mayerand your niece, not fluffy white cream and sprinkles. But enough about Mr. Wonderful, whose actual name will go unmentioned, let’s talk about why you clicked this link in the first place. You want to know what your drink says about you.

So without further adieu, here it is:

If you’re ordering a frappuccino, you’re most likely a teenage girl “shopping” in the mall with your teenage friends with your phone more expensive than mine and a 20 dollar bill you most likely got from a birthday card. The thought of getting anything from Starbucks intrigues you, makes you feel older, and even though this drink comes cooled, to you, it just isn’t complete without the sleeve. You might even be on a date, and he might be ordering a frappuccino too, because you both have had frappes at Mcdonalds, so you obviously know what you’re ordering. Not to mention, the word “frappuccino” just sounds so much more sophisticated than plain old coffee. So what better way to impress your brace-faced 15 year old date than ordering a tall caramel frappuccino? You gracefully whip out your self-perceived abundant knowledge of the world of coffee, and in doing so get serious street cred at junior high. It’s literally the  equivalent to the adult date at a french restaurant where you impress your girl by ordering everything in perfect french, even if all you know is creme brulee and escargot. Coffee gurus don’t order frappuccinos — unless it happens to be a 100 degree day and they somehow ran out of iced lattes with a bunch of specifications.

Caramel Macchiatos: Men, for whatever reason, are more likely to order these bad boys – and I use the term “bad boys” very loosely. Maybe it’s the soft and buttery vanilla flavoring, or the espresso shot that sits comfortably atop the warm white froth, or maybe it’s that super masculine cross-hatch patterned caramel swirl we baristas craft before your very eyes. Or, maybe it’s just the baristas. Whatever the reason, men seem to order these more than you’d think. Maybe it’s because men happen to be the customers that typically have no idea how to order to begin with. I can see where it could get confusing, being “stupid in three different languages,” we at Starbucks just live to make your life more complicated. You see, at Starbucks, a tall is small, a grande is medium, and a venti is the largest. Is your mind officially blown? There are a lot of steps in the ordering process. So what usually happens, is a customer sees “Caramel Macchiato” on the menu board, and because it sounds fancy, has the word caramel in it, and is yours for just 3.95, they proceed to order, calling it a “Caramel Ma-chh-ee-to”

Venti Dirty Chai Tea Soy No Whip 120 degrees + Sugar Free Vanilla, which on the cup, looks like this: VCSNW120SFV2+, but more so in a vertical fashion. This customer is an asshole. I happen to be this customer. Get my drink wrong, and I will cut you. Okay, not really. But these are the customers that know what they’re talking about. They are specific, and they want their barista to be just as specific, while simultaneously admiring them for their impeccable knowledge of the customization possibilities available to them because Starbucks is just that awesome. What’s not so awesome – is when they pronounce “Chai Tea” as “Tai Chi”. Bitch, does this liquid drink look like a martial art to you? Didn’t think so.

Black Coffee or Americano: Nothing says “manly man” like a tall, grande, venti whatever sized black coffee or Americano (espresso and hot water). You could probably order a “ballerina” sized black coffee as a man and still have the sex appeal of a tattooed grecian god. This drink says that you’re a simple guy who knows what he wants, and isn’t dumb enough to spend more than $2.11 on a cup of Joe. It also indicates that you have a job. Because no ‘basement xbox playing parents’ house living gamerfreak with an internet girlfriend’ is going to be ordering a black coffee. These weirdos get their caffeine from sugary energy drinks with glittery cans, or come to Starbucks and order a Mountain Dew.

Passion, Green or Black Tea: Ordering a tea indicates that you are in fact female, and you don’t like coffee in any way shape or form — but even you need a cup with the naked mermaid green logo on it.

Iced Sugar Free Vanilla Latte: This is the health conscious soccer mom who hasn’t eaten since the 90s, the Julia (yeah that’s me — but I will never be a soccer mom/eating is a hobby), and the typical college sorority girl who is back the second time today after already ordering her Venti Iced Coffee. It’s a drink fit for Lauren Conrad, and  a great go-to choice when you know you want caffeine, but are overwhelmed by the plethora of flavors and combinations provided for you. This is the drink that says “I just got out of spinning class, and now I’m going to real class.” Even if this drink came hot, the girl who ordered this will STILL stick a straw through the top.

Cappuccino: This one goes either way. The person that orders a cappuccino is on one extreme side of the spectrum or the other. You’re either educated and know that a cappuccino means espresso and froth, or you’re the sloppy piece of white trash who’s going to order this blindly, storm right back and say “this is not what I ordered.” How about you waddle yourself back to the McDonald’s you came from and settle for your coffee with heavy whipping cream and small fry.

Breve: It sounds fancy, but it’s just a big word that means “half and half.”Adding breve to your latte means that rather than regular milk in your 20 ounce coffee, you’re getting 18 ounces of steamed half and half and 2 ounces of espresso. The person who orders a breve typically has no idea what goes into their drink, but thoroughly enjoys the taste and thickness of the extra fat.

— Julia Fuino