Posts Tagged ‘Starbucks’

As I sit in Chipotle with a bunch of my sorority sisters, my jaw drops at some of the food people put into their mouths. I will not deny that every time I go to Chipotle I want a burrito the size of my face, but instead I settled for a burrito bowl, which is bigger than my face (but less calories).

Being a young adult we have to start watching what we put in our mouths (yes, that means put the beer down it’s Tuesday) because everything is going to start catching up to us. As a poor college student, organic and high priced food isn’t within our budget, so most of us find ourselves settling for the greasy, fat filled food on Marshall Street.

Because I’m a really, really nice person I’m going to provide you my favorite alternatives for my favorite restaurants on Marshall. Hopefully this will help prevent you from time you are heading down for lunch or dinner, you are not consuming the calories for an elephant.

#1. Chipotle
Like I mentioned before, I have a weak spot for Chipotle, so I had to teach myself to eat there without overdosing on calories. Instead of ordering a burrito you can order a burrito bowl – cutting out the carbs from the tortilla. If you want to further the calorie cut, you can replace the rice on the bottom with shredded lettuce. I know that the rice tastes almost orgasmic but I can assure you that it will not look too good on your hips. So now you have cut out the tortilla and rice, which counts for approximately 300 and 250 calories respectively. WOAH. Now it’s doesn’t seem THAT bad and you won’t feel as guilty after you devour the entire thing in five minutes.

#2. Starbucks
Where would the world be without Starbucks? I don’t know if I would even make it out of bed without it. Although it may help jumpstart your day, that doesn’t mean it can replace a “nutritionally balanced breakfast.” Most, if not all, drinks from here contain excessive amounts of sugar and fat from whip creams, caramel and chocolate toppings. Instead of ordering your usual, try ordering a skinny version, which contains sugar free syrup, no whip and fat-free milk. If you want to be SUPER healthy or you are a lact-tard (lactose intolerant, like me) ask for soymilk and you will be cutting even more calories! Woohoo.

#3. Jimmy Johns
Oh Jimmy and I go way back. No lie I think I ordered from here about 50 times last year… and I wonder why my ass doesn’t fit into last year’s summer clothes… Awkward. Anyways this article is about you, not me. To help cut the calories at Jimmy you can choose two different options. Option 1, you can replace the white bread with the wheat bread or lettuce to make an unwich, which is a sandwich wrapper with lettuce. Option 2, you can ask for no mayonnaise, which can lower the calorie count by 300! That’s a lot of calories for a little lube action on your sandwich.

Obviously there are hundreds of ways to cut calories and eat healthier on Marshall Street but I find these three most useful for myself. Just remember that all of those extra toppings and breads will add calories onto your meal quickly. I am not saying you cannot eat them ever again (unless you want to stay fluffy), but try to think about what you are putting in your mouth and how you can make it just a little bit healthier.

I promise, your body will thank you later when you won’t need someone to sponge bathe you because you are immobile and fat from those late night beach clubs from Jimmy.’s

-Chelsey Perry

I decided to write this while on a date from hell at my local Starbucks. Yeah boys, this is what happens when you’re about as entertaining as my left toe. So naturally as a woman, my mind began to wander into thinking about anything and everything that had absolutely nothing to do with my date. Things like… “What am I going to do tonight?” “I wonder what Grandma’s doing.” And in this case, “Why did he just order a hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles?”

Call it judgmental, but this was just the icing on the cake, or, “sprinkles on the whipped cream”, if you will. But between his talking about his love for Nickelback, his obscene potty mouth, or his current alcoholism, nothing he could have said or done at this point was doing a good job at convincing me that he’d be getting a second date anytime soon/ever.

This date with Mr. Wonderful, along with my working knowledge of Starbucks customers given my part-time job background, led me to believe that what you order from Starbucks might say a lot about who you are. So, let’s start with Mr. Wonderful and his super duper hot chocolate.

Let me first start off by saying that at any age, it is always acceptable to order a hot chocolate. Who doesn’t love a nice warm drink on a cold winter’s night? But as a twenty-three year old college graduate, you should never specifically ask for additional whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles — especially on a first date. Everyone loves a sensitive guy — but my idea of ‘sensitive’ is loving John Mayerand your niece, not fluffy white cream and sprinkles. But enough about Mr. Wonderful, whose actual name will go unmentioned, let’s talk about why you clicked this link in the first place. You want to know what your drink says about you.

So without further adieu, here it is:

If you’re ordering a frappuccino, you’re most likely a teenage girl “shopping” in the mall with your teenage friends with your phone more expensive than mine and a 20 dollar bill you most likely got from a birthday card. The thought of getting anything from Starbucks intrigues you, makes you feel older, and even though this drink comes cooled, to you, it just isn’t complete without the sleeve. You might even be on a date, and he might be ordering a frappuccino too, because you both have had frappes at Mcdonalds, so you obviously know what you’re ordering. Not to mention, the word “frappuccino” just sounds so much more sophisticated than plain old coffee. So what better way to impress your brace-faced 15 year old date than ordering a tall caramel frappuccino? You gracefully whip out your self-perceived abundant knowledge of the world of coffee, and in doing so get serious street cred at junior high. It’s literally the  equivalent to the adult date at a french restaurant where you impress your girl by ordering everything in perfect french, even if all you know is creme brulee and escargot. Coffee gurus don’t order frappuccinos — unless it happens to be a 100 degree day and they somehow ran out of iced lattes with a bunch of specifications.

Caramel Macchiatos: Men, for whatever reason, are more likely to order these bad boys – and I use the term “bad boys” very loosely. Maybe it’s the soft and buttery vanilla flavoring, or the espresso shot that sits comfortably atop the warm white froth, or maybe it’s that super masculine cross-hatch patterned caramel swirl we baristas craft before your very eyes. Or, maybe it’s just the baristas. Whatever the reason, men seem to order these more than you’d think. Maybe it’s because men happen to be the customers that typically have no idea how to order to begin with. I can see where it could get confusing, being “stupid in three different languages,” we at Starbucks just live to make your life more complicated. You see, at Starbucks, a tall is small, a grande is medium, and a venti is the largest. Is your mind officially blown? There are a lot of steps in the ordering process. So what usually happens, is a customer sees “Caramel Macchiato” on the menu board, and because it sounds fancy, has the word caramel in it, and is yours for just 3.95, they proceed to order, calling it a “Caramel Ma-chh-ee-to”

Venti Dirty Chai Tea Soy No Whip 120 degrees + Sugar Free Vanilla, which on the cup, looks like this: VCSNW120SFV2+, but more so in a vertical fashion. This customer is an asshole. I happen to be this customer. Get my drink wrong, and I will cut you. Okay, not really. But these are the customers that know what they’re talking about. They are specific, and they want their barista to be just as specific, while simultaneously admiring them for their impeccable knowledge of the customization possibilities available to them because Starbucks is just that awesome. What’s not so awesome – is when they pronounce “Chai Tea” as “Tai Chi”. Bitch, does this liquid drink look like a martial art to you? Didn’t think so.

Black Coffee or Americano: Nothing says “manly man” like a tall, grande, venti whatever sized black coffee or Americano (espresso and hot water). You could probably order a “ballerina” sized black coffee as a man and still have the sex appeal of a tattooed grecian god. This drink says that you’re a simple guy who knows what he wants, and isn’t dumb enough to spend more than $2.11 on a cup of Joe. It also indicates that you have a job. Because no ‘basement xbox playing parents’ house living gamerfreak with an internet girlfriend’ is going to be ordering a black coffee. These weirdos get their caffeine from sugary energy drinks with glittery cans, or come to Starbucks and order a Mountain Dew.

Passion, Green or Black Tea: Ordering a tea indicates that you are in fact female, and you don’t like coffee in any way shape or form — but even you need a cup with the naked mermaid green logo on it.

Iced Sugar Free Vanilla Latte: This is the health conscious soccer mom who hasn’t eaten since the 90s, the Julia (yeah that’s me — but I will never be a soccer mom/eating is a hobby), and the typical college sorority girl who is back the second time today after already ordering her Venti Iced Coffee. It’s a drink fit for Lauren Conrad, and  a great go-to choice when you know you want caffeine, but are overwhelmed by the plethora of flavors and combinations provided for you. This is the drink that says “I just got out of spinning class, and now I’m going to real class.” Even if this drink came hot, the girl who ordered this will STILL stick a straw through the top.

Cappuccino: This one goes either way. The person that orders a cappuccino is on one extreme side of the spectrum or the other. You’re either educated and know that a cappuccino means espresso and froth, or you’re the sloppy piece of white trash who’s going to order this blindly, storm right back and say “this is not what I ordered.” How about you waddle yourself back to the McDonald’s you came from and settle for your coffee with heavy whipping cream and small fry.

Breve: It sounds fancy, but it’s just a big word that means “half and half.”Adding breve to your latte means that rather than regular milk in your 20 ounce coffee, you’re getting 18 ounces of steamed half and half and 2 ounces of espresso. The person who orders a breve typically has no idea what goes into their drink, but thoroughly enjoys the taste and thickness of the extra fat.

Julia Fuino

Many hail Starbucks as an evil corporation that exemplifies capitalism at its worst. Others see it just as another (extremely) successful business that has made a name for itself.

News of its recent purchase of juice company Evolution Fresh for $30 million has sparked new controversy over Starbucks’ further expansion in the industry. In his TIME NewsFeed article about the purchase, writer Nick Carbone points out that with this decision “Starbucks is pitting itself against juice stalwarts Odwalla and Naked Juice—owned by Coca-Cola and PepsiCo, respectively.”

He is correct, but I find that fact ironic since Starbucks is still selling Odwalla and Naked Juice products in its stores. Maybe they’re planning on gradually changing all the juice options to be from Evolution Fresh over a period of time? We shall see.

For now, anyone who has a problem with the purchase needs to calm down. This expansion is just business to Starbucks, and it’s their choice if they want to take advantage of offering health-conscious options. If people are buying these kinds of juices, the company would be stupid not to participate in their sales.

-Erin Elzo

I’m a sucker for marketing. If we’re being honest, most of you Jerks out there are too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of (usually). It’s all about the presentation—what colors are used, clever slogans, that sort of thing.

This is why it was no surprise that so many of my friends have fallen under the spell of the adorable mini-treats at Starbucks. The line of Starbucks Petites includes cupcakes, lemon squares and cake pops–among a variety of other delicious minis. I resisted for awhile, but finally gave in when a particularly persistent friend insisted I try just one cupcake. My demise? The Carrot Cake Mini Cupcake. 190 calories of (almost) bite-size deliciousness.


Life as a freshman can get lonely at times; you’re still in the process of making new friends as you slowly realize that some of the people you’ve been required to hang out with thus far (roommates, floor mates, people in class, etc.) are beginning to annoy the shit out of you.

For those in need of a nice place to study, make some new friends (possibly someone you’ve wanted to talk to but never had the opportunity to do so without it being awkward) and/or flee the “friends” you’ve made, check out these five spots. Who knows, maybe you’ll even run into me! (more…)

The title says it all: “Meet a ‘donorsexual’ on the web—and he’ll service you anywhere.” Artificial insemination was first developed for human use in the 20th century, and rose in popularity during the 1970s. Although women having trouble conceiving have used AI, it is not usually associated with an online underground community.

There are several online forums and “members-only websites for women seeking sperm—and men giving it away.” It’s similar to regular sperm banks, but you get to know the name of the donor, the conceived children can contact the men in the future, and they don’t get paid. When I read about this, I thought “well…that’s different…”

I can’t say I actually know how to react to all the details of such a process, but it’s kind of amusing to think about the places listed by the women in the article for where they met these donors. The place that made me laugh the most was a Starbucks bathroom. It just seemed so amusing to think about the things we don’t realize are happening around us when we’re in a public location like a coffee shop.

It is crazy to think about the potential for incest though, with the number of men that donate sperm. What if the guy or girl you hook up with in college was an AI baby that you’re related to and you never knew? That’s a whole other issue to contemplate though. For now, just think about what’s really going on in those public bathrooms.

-Erin Elzo

One of the things that has shocked my friends back home the most about life in ‘Cuse, aside from the fact that no one on the East Coast uses the acronym DGAF (Don’t Give a Fuck), is the oddity that there are zero toilet seat covers on the SU campus, let alone in the city of Syracuse.

After talking with some girls on my floor about it, it seemed as though I was the only one who finds this lack of bathroom hygiene a bit weird. So I pose this question: Is not providing toilet seat covers strange, or am I just being a snarky bitch who can’t handle swatting or laying down toilet paper for the next four years?

If you are like me, though, you’ll be pleased to know that the Starbucks on Marshall St. has seat covers and all you need to do is a buy a cup of coffee to use it! Minus points for SU, +1 for Starbucks.

-Fresh Meat

Taking its cue from Starbucks, Panera Bread is beginning to pop up everywhere. The bakery/cafe will now open two more stores in the Syracuse area by the fall. One store will be opening in Auburn, but the location most SU students will care about is at Carousel Mall. Set to open Sept. 26, the Panera Bread in Carousel will be located on the first floor right across from Ruby Tuesday. Besides the fact that this opening will add another chain restaurant to Syracuse, there are three more reasons Jerk believes that a Syracuse Panera Bread is a good option.

Healthier options in the mall: When you go to Carousel for the day, your only options for lunch/dinner are fast and greasy food. Panera Bread offers fresh salads and lean sandwiches for those of us watching and caring about what we eat.

Warm soup on cold days: The soup options at Panera Bread are to die for, especially during the winter. A warm bowl of soup is usually just the thing I need when there is a blizzard brewing outside. While all the soups are good, the classic Chicken Noodle always does the trick and it is even better inside a bread bowl.

Free food: Or samples–call them what you like. Instead of going to the Chinese place for disgusting chicken, head over to Panera Bread. They always have a bowl for bread samples in the front of the store. If you need a little energy while shopping, take a piece or two and you’re good to go.

-Nicole Fisher

It took officials six years to catch these thieves. Ronald Mancuso and Sean McGuigan, two Syracuse natives, stole $2.9 million from the city of Syracuse. Instead of simply breaking into a bank, taking the money and bailing, it took these two a little longer to fill their piggy banks. Collecting their loot during the late hours of the night, Mancuso and McGuigan smashed parking meters and collected the coins. Now fighting a lawsuit by the city, Jerk wonders what these two guys were planning on using the money for. Here are a couple ideas we came up with, if we had $2.9 million burning in our pockets:


Don’t Close Borders!

Posted: February 23, 2011 by jerkmagblog in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , ,

This is not just a blog post. This is a call to arms. Approximately 30 percent of Borders stores will close nationwide, a result of the company’s recent bankruptcy. The one at Carousel Center will close sometime in March.  As a child, I learned to love books among Border’s shelves. I remember analyzing my dreams in the self-help section and giggling at the Kama Sutra with pre-teen friends. (more…)