Archive for the ‘VAULT — archives’ Category

EmilySup Jerks!  I’m Emily Maloney, Jerk Mag writer, and now assistant blog editor.  My three favorite things in this world are cool people, food, and laughter, in no particular order.  Here’s a little more on me:

Year and Major/Minor: I am a senior ETS major with a yet-to-be-declared minor in psychology.

Hometown: Brunswick, Maine.  Voted by Smithsonian one of America’s best small towns, ahem.

Most Embarrassing Moment:  I can’t go a day without somehow embarrassing myself. I don’t even know how to identify the worst of the worst. I like to think it’s part of my, um, charm.

Biggest Lie I’ve Gotten Away With:  I plead the fifth.

Movie I Could Watch Over and Over: Love & Basketball and Freedom Writers are constantly cycled through my disc drive.

Follow me on twitter @emalonez, here’s to hoping you think I’m half as funny as I think I am.  For longer-than-140-character musings, check out

images (1)The Victoria Secret fashion show was a few months ago, so of course the gyms have been full and dinner plates continue to stay empty as us ladies try to get rid of our flub.  The VS fashion show has become quite the social event, as Bruno Mars pulled out his fedora for the evening. It even had us planning a get-together to watch the show while we ironically served pizza and beer to juxtapose the fact that Miranda Kerr probably hasn’t tasted either.  Guys and gals alike come to our fashion show parties, and while the guys generally comment on the models’ hotness and hardness of their boners, the girls are slightly different.  If you attended a fashion show party, I’m guessing these were the three types of girls present:

The Bro.  The commentary coming from this young lady doesn’t touch upon her own physical flaws.  Instead she joins in with the men and spends an hour comparing everyone’s boobies.  She’s definitely straight, though. (or is she?)  She’ll start ranking each girl based on hotness, and about halfway through will pick a model she’d “totally hook up with.” The Bro will then refer to this poor model as “mah gurl” throughout the rest of the show.  Does she act this way because she’s confident enough in herself to appreciate the art form of another ladies donk? Or is she just trying to impress your male guests? We shall never know; The Bro’s motivations are her own.

The Rationalizer.  You know she could have that body if she wanted to.  If she went to the gym every day she could totally do it.  If she was being paid to look that good she would look that good.  But she just doesn’t want to, you know?  The Rationalizer will point out every model stereotype and use it as a reason as to why model life sucks.  “Yeah, they look awesome, but I like eating fries, thank you very much” or “We could all look like that if we wanted to, but we actually have lives, you know? I don’t have time to go to the gym every day, I want a career where I’m respected” Leave it to her to make the first joke about model intelligence: “She looks great now, sure, but looks fade; do you think she even knows how to read?”  But alas, there HAS to be a Rationalizer.  If there weren’t, no one would eat that pizza you got.

The Insecure.  Her name says it all.  She only watches the fashion show for two reasons: either she wants to spend a night in self-loathing and despair OR because she doesn’t want to be left out of a social gathering (again, refer to her name).  Her comments during the program are the kind you nod at or respond to with a quick “me too” because you don’t want to indulge her.  From her it’s a constant stream of “I’m so short”, “I could never have a stomach like that”, “I wish I looked like her”, or the dreaded query to the men: “Do you actually think that being that thin is attractive?”  She loathes The Bro for being so seemingly confident.  She bonds with The Rationalizer, who is the only thing between her and a nervous breakdown at this point.  No pizza for her this evening.

And you ask yourself why I’m not a Victoria Secret Model yet? Well, because I really want to focus on my Jerk articles, duh!

-Taylor Kowalski

Brrr… it’s cold in here

Posted: November 13, 2012 by jerkmag in TRIM -- style, VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

Instead of giving in and bringing out my winter coat when the temperatures drop to 40 degrees, I layer up. Where I’m from, winter coats won’t come out until a hard freeze or cumulative snowfall, whichever comes first. If you give in before, you might as well leave the state. Minnesotans pride themselves on weathering cold temperatures. What I’ve learned is that it’s all in the layers.

A long sleeve shirt underneath a sweatshirt goes a long way when you’re on main campus all day. When you layer a hoodie and a fleece, you’ll find inner peace.
Don’t get too excited and layer all of your clothes at once like Joey from FRIENDS, but if you do, take a picture and send it in! Sadly though, my approval is all that you’ll win.

If you already broke out the winter coat, you’re in for a rude awakening when winter really arrives. If you haven’t yet, you’re either from the north or downright crazy. Until it’s in the low 30’s, it’s still sweatshirt weather!

-Jenna Jacobsen

Okay you hate them, he hates them, I hate them… I’m sure we all do; especially during that big “O” moment. But let’s face it; condoms are a necessary evil during sex with a new or perhaps untrustworthy partner.

Though they decrease stimulation by a significant amount, and virtually RUIN sex, condoms are absolutely necessary when hooking up in college. Until you know and trust your partner, and unless you have an alternate mode of contraception, raw dogging it isn’t really an option. So while you must use condoms… choose ‘Cuse Condoms!

The ‘Cuse Condoms, pictured above, are the perfect way to be sexually responsible while showing school spirit!! Hah, no, but still. They’re pretty freaking awesome for late-night hook ups, or celebratory sex after the basketball team wins. Another plus; their package isn’t as obnoxious as other condom wrappers. They aren’t bright teal Trojans that take up half your wallet, so your chick won’t think you’re a pig if or when she sees one of these in your pockets.

These condoms, specially made for SU students were designed by the “Say it With a Condom” company, to make your big moment that much more orange.

Keep Calm & Penetrate each other. Safely.

-Deanna Viel


Sup, Jerks! This week’s ‘Artist You Should Know’ is Matthew Dear, a producer/DJ/experimental pop artist. With five labels, six solo albums, several stage names, and an even vaster catalogue of remixes – Dear is an artist with a considerably long music resume. On tour (with the likes of Hot Chip and Interpol) he plays both house sets and alongside live bands. Fans of Brian Eno, David Byrne, David Bowie, and their various respective musical endeavors (aren’t they always producing or collaborating on each other’s albums?) will appreciate Dear’s sound.

He put out an EP in mid-January and a full-length album at the end of August, check it out!

Matthew Dear- ‘Her Fantasy’, from the album ‘Beams’

In the Middle (I Met You There)’, from the EP ‘Headcage’

-Mikala Stubley

My roommates and I are having this talk right now, debating back and forth whether the infamous “walk of shame” should be just that.

Many college students are far from “shameful” in their sexcapades. We tweet about them, brag about them, and talk in the most public of campus environments about how we walked home shirtless at sun up. So why, if we don’t feel shame in having such a night, is the return home from that night the “walk of shame”?

More times than not it is the girls doing the walk. Or rather, more times than not the girls’ walk of shame that is obvious and taken note of. She stumbles up to Watson, heels in hand, wearing an oversized Nike Athletics shirt with her make up still on from last night and her hair messy at best, anytime between six am and high noon, and its obvious she didn’t spend the night at Club Bird or staying at a girl friends house. She is finally arriving back from her “walk of shame”. But oftentimes we girls are not quickly pacing with their eyes cast downward but casually strolling home, scrolling on our iPhones through pictures we took the night before and thanking the Gods above our mouths don’t taste like morning. So is it a walk of shame? If we are nonchalant about or now semi-public sex lives, or the obviousness of our bed head and sex stench.

Or is it a stride of pride? That we are not ashamed at all of fooling around somewhere on Sumner last night or spending a night at the frat house that you are almost thankful you don’t remember. But instead are proud.

I have heard it said more times than one that the title “walk of shame” will undoubtedly stick, regardless of whether or not people are actually shameful of their 10 am stumble home. But many campus dwellers now are pushing to refer to it as the stride of pride, that it is a symbol you got lucky last night and should be regarded as a prideful matter. I see the walk differently each time, and the true distinguishing point between a walk of shame and a stride of pride should be the person’s emotional state during the walk. To the bitches who stroll home laughingly and cannot wait to tell their roommates what a slut they were last night – pride.

What are your thoughts fellow hornballs?

-Deanna Viel

E! News: The World IS Ending

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives, WATCH -- TV
Tags: , ,

I have been sitting in my dorm for an hour now, and for the duration of that time I have been watching the popular “news” program E! News.  I use the term “news” incredibly loosely.  Like I’m wearing a hot air balloon as a shirt kind of loose.  Don’t think I chose this – my remote is one battery short and you can’t even open the box of one of today’s televisions without the proper remote let alone change the channel.

What I’ve concluded from this confusing hour is this: E! News is horrible.  So, so horrible.  I had another sentence here but had to delete it to point out that the E! News “anchor” just called Gisele the “MPP, Most Popular Prego” of Hollywood.  To that the other “anchor” retorted, “Hah! Great joke!”  I would actually prefer to watch two ship anchors sit at a desk.

But not even the journalism prowess of two ship anchors could improve the story of “Is Miley sick of twitter?”  (Is she? I REALLY need to know) Nor could they drag themselves to the producers fast enough to let them know that Honey Boo-Boo isn’t a news correspondent.

And what kind of news program only reports on other shows on that channel?  NBC doesn’t just cover what Nick Lachey is up to in Stars Earn Stripes, why does E! spend three hours covering whether or not the Kardashians look better in ponytails or curls?

I think I have become less intelligent while watching this program, my only comfort being found in the fact that by writing this article I’ve proven to myself that I haven’t lost the ability to read.  I can’t say the same for my spelling.  That’s what editors are for, though.


-Taylor Kowalski

Study for five minutes. Procrastinate. Check Facebook. Nap. Study for real this time. Tweet about how much midterms suck #[insertsomethingsnarkyhere]. And then there is the inevitable realization: “shit, I’m hungry.”

For those “shit, I’m hungry” moments, No. 1 Kitchen is the perfect exam food that will never let you down. They somehow get your food to you even with multiple feet of snow on the ground, which, as we all know, can be anytime between October and May.

I do tend to find myself wondering whether or not they actually understand me when I tell them my address. They sometimes get Madison and Harrison confused, but when it does arrive to the right address, it’s like Manning’s three touchdown passes as the Broncos rolled over the Chargers this week, it’s MAGICAL.

My go-to is usually the steamed dumplings and house special fried rice (sophomore year, my two best friends went through a broccoli, chicken, and vegetable lo mein phase). But for the sake of blogging, I decided to shake it up this time. I ordered the Wonton Soup and General Tso’s chicken. Yum!

Thank you, No. 1, for not disappointing. The chicken was as comforting as Chinese food should be, although for you wimps out there, the spicy kick might leave you a little hot and bothered. However, the Wonton Soup was just what the doctor ordered for my soon to be all-nighter in Bird Library.

But that does it for this week’s Foodie review. I’m going to stop procrastinating and get some work done since my meal is gone.

– Shelby Hilt

Ever see those girls whose face is 5 times darker than the rest of their body? I personally think it is the BIGGEST fashion faux pas when people can’t figure out what foundation or bronzer is right for their skin tone.  People also forget that their skin tone changes during the winter and summer months and they will need different foundation colors depending on the season. Duhh when you’re outside in the spring and summer more you obviously get tanner. Thank god for this because I am one of those pasty white ghosts in the winter and do not go tanning.  No, I do not want skin cancer thank you very much.  Anyway, I found out about a new device in July to prevent the two-skin tone problem.

Sephora collaborated with Pantone to create the Sephora + Pantone Color IQ.  Basically it is a handheld device that scans your skin that results in 27 images in less than two seconds.  Then the device assigns you an official Pantone skin tone number.  When this number is entered into the iPad app it gives you a list of foundations out of the 1,000 that Sephora sells to match you with the perfect foundation for your skin tone.  Usually about 10 results appear and than you can narrow it down to your preference on SPF availability, eco-friendly ingredients, coverage, etc.  Sephora pro, Gilbert Soliz stated “Sephora + Pantone Color IQ eliminated many of the variables that can affect shade selection, including pigment challenges, skin texture, and undertones which can distort the clients match”.

Sephora and Pantone patented this device so don’t expect anyone else to come out with it soon.  It is important to know that this device is only available at Sephora’s New York City Time Square location and at Sephora’s San Francisco store on Powell Street.  They are hoping to unveil this device at all Sephora locations soon, so lets cross our fingers that it will happen because I know many girls that are in dire need of this!

-Lauren Levine

As a recent health-kick enthusiast, I have found it impossible to avoid any blog that provides me with healthy meals and short, beneficial workouts that actually work for my body.  Both of these ideas seem far-fetched for a full time college student with class, homework, Thursday-Saturday frat hopping, Sunday Funday and of course Jerk, duh.

Some of us have to work extra hard to get that crop top worthy body.

While I was hunting for my own sources to help keep me motivated, I came across The Slender Student. Not only is this girl a college student, just like us, but also gives you tons of easy/healthy alternative snacks and meals, as well as ass kicking workouts that you can do in a 12 x 12 dorm room.

This girl has it all!

She recently posted a recipe for a “Slender S’more,” which obviously is a s’more, but contains only 100 calories. The Slender Student puts together a s’more with a rice cake, one piece of dove chocolate and five mini marshmallows. There is no way a snack like this can be anything but mouth watering. Then a few posts later you will find a 20 minutes work out that will target every main muscle group in your body. I did it, and it hurts, a lot.

I understand how frustrating it can be to maintain school work, a healthy diet and an active lifestyle, but maybe The Slender Student can help reduce the size of that beer belly from all of those free drinks at flip night.

Not only can you follow The Slender Student’s blog, but you can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.

Best of luck my newly born health-kick enthusiasts!

-Chelsey Perry