Archive for the ‘VICES — sex, drugs & alcohol’ Category

So shots are brutal, we can all agree. But aren’t they significantly LESS brutal than I don’t know, shoving vodka up your cooter? The alternate means of conceiving alcohol nowadays are bizarre, disturbing, and totally unnecessary. Whatever happened to simple straw sippin’ Svedka?

vodka-eyeballingPeople have apparently gotten bored of downing drinks through their pie holes, and have thus turned to other orifices. The nose, eyes, vagina, and anus are now taking the brutal brunt of our dire need to get drunk. I wish I was kidding.

“Hard Liquor Snorting”- I might not be far off in saying that our generation has an obsession with snorting things. They enjoy the instant high and the social atmosphere that comes along with “linin ‘em up like free throws,” but as much as that’s true, there are some things that are better left un-snorted. Hard liquor should be one of them. These days, people will take small cups of hard liquor and put tiny straws into the cups, placing both straws into their nose. Then the obvious occurs, and they snort the liquor into their system, often causing teary eyes and sometimes fainting. This practice, though not nearly as disturbing the later described methods, is still enough to make me tear up at the mere thought.

“Vodka Eyeballing”- Sometimes known as vodka eye-shot, is just that. This trend, supposedly started by female bartenders in Las Vegas looking to make more tips, is where one will pour a shot’s worth of vodka into their eye, instead of downing it through the mouth. This extreme method of consumption will no doubt get you fucked up, but is said by medical professionals to be a dangerous hobby that can cause long term damage. Like, duh.  In my girl-on-girl opinion, there’s nothing sexier than a women who can open the throat n throw ‘em back, flipping her head up once the shot is taken. That’s hot. Pouring an entire shot of vodka into your eye, ruining your make-up, and tearing up uncontrollably, that’s not.

“Vodka Tampons”- This trend, started by Pop singer Ke$ha, (well, not really), is, to me, the most disturbing yet. It’s when females, or let me rephrase that rather, crazy fucking bitches, soak unused tampons in vodka, and then insert them as they would a tampon during their menstrual cycle. Once again, the alcohol enters your system much quicker and gets you drunker faster. My hope is that it gets you messed up enough to not feel how terribly that probably burns/stings. Lord, if Vodka kills my throat so badly, I can’t even imagine what it would do to my lady parts.

Butt Chugging”- As “Urban Dictionary” describes it, is “the act of ingesting alcohol through ones rectum” Basically, your frat boys and Jackass’s Johnny Knoxville wannabe’s of college campuses around the country placing funnel tubes into their rectums, while laying down, and essentially “chugging” the alcohol that way. “The idea is to increase the alcohol’s effect and the speed with which one becomes intoxicated.” And we thought chugging competitions were bad before…

Whatever happened to good ole fashioned oral consumption? Only reason I’d ever even maybe consider any of the above is to cut calories, kidding, but not really.

-Deanna Viel

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fiestaThough Greek parties do not COMPLETELY dominate the social scene here at SU, it is safe to say that they provide the majority of our nightlife options. That being said, what will we ever do for 14 days without their houses to blackout in, with the free alcohol they provide? Let me provide y’all with some quality partying ideas to get us through, until after-hours are a thing again.

  • Get in touch with your friends on South- I mean, I’m not saying to use them per-say, but send out a couple of texts to acquaintances who reside on south campus. Apartment parties on south are a fun alternative first off because they rarely get broken up, they are usually smaller and house a more intimate crowd, and last but not least, there is rarely a night where there isn’t a party, so done, done, and done.
  • Turn to social media- Nowadays it’s so easy to find out what’s going on at night just by logging on and clicking “go.” Websites like Syracuse University’s own start-up company Fiesta Frog, give you an array of party places that are throwing down at night. From house parties on Lancaster, to bar specials at Chuck’s, it’s just that easy.
  • Get the crew together- Think of your freshman floor, your go-to drinking buddies, or the most random group of fun people that you know, and try to meet up with them for a night. There ain’t no party like an S-Club party. Use this two-week hiatus as a time to partake in random drinkingness with friends, the typical card games, hand games, love games, whatever.

– Deanna Viel

Today, my roommate and I have sworn off guys for good. And what kind of women would we be at this point if we didn’t turn on the TV desperately hoping for a funny sitcom or movie to be on to distract us from our hopeless situations? Conveniently enough, E! is playing “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Ha, this is such a cruel, cruel world.

The romantic comedy only stings because the truth of the matter, is that he is just not that into me, or you, or her, or any female friend that is nothing more than a late night text, right? Or is that wrong? Are we over-reading and misinterpreting signals from guys? Is it right to write them off as douche bags when they are just as confused as we are?

This crazy confusion typically comes into play in friends with benefits situations. The two of you sleep together and he doesn’t text you the next day so, boom, he’s automatically one of “those guys” only after “one thing and one thing only.” That’s how most young females see it, and understandably so. If you two don’t talk as much as you fool around, then he is not after anything more than a late night smoosh buddy.  But, what if he is just as confused by the hookup situation as you are? Many guys wait for us to text them first, because they don’t exactly know what to say, and don’t see it fit to continuously talk to a female they haven’t deemed as their girlfriend. Also, be conscious of the fact that if you initiate sex just as avidly as he does, and will text him at similar hours for such deeds, he could see the relationship as simply just platonic hook-up buddies, even if he wants more.

Listen ladies; moral of the story is to take it for what it is. There is no point in trying to over analyze a good or fun situation. If you two enjoy one another’s company, and have fun hooking up, then what’s the problem with being sex friends? As long as you don’t find yourself writing out his last name on your LIT notebook, then you should be in the clear.

Ride it out and soon enough, it will be clear whether the two of you are Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman sex-friends, or just looking for different things.

-Deanna Viel

So we’re friends with benefits, this much is obvious. You text me at 2 a.m. when your whiskey dick wants to play. I never object. I come over. We fool around. After what seems like only a minute, your grabbing the Bounty’s and wiping your cum off my stomach. I jump up and pull on my clothes, standing awkwardly next to the bed, waiting for you to either open the door or pull me back.

Unfortunately you chose the second, and tentatively I agree.  I’m not sure why you want me to spend the night, but I don’t want to feel like a whore, so I comply. But this is where the problem presents itself, are we supposed to spoon? Do we lay there like we were not just intimate with each other? I think it’s only natural to swing your arm around the half-naked broad you could have just made babies with, but at the same time, you don’t want to give across the wrong idea.

Sex-friends: people who “use each other at all hours of the day for sex,”as the movie “No Strings Attached” put it, should remain just that. Even though it is atypical for people who are “just friends” to have sex, it is hard to keep the two relationships separate. So should friends with benefits sleep together, not talking intercourse, I mean actually curl up and drool on the pillow sleep together? My guess is probably no, because one person, if not both, will get the wrong idea and really, why ruin a good thing? If your mate is cool with humping and leaving, then don’t try to push the coed sleepovers.

– Deanna Viel

Sexcuses, Sexcuses

Posted: December 11, 2012 by jerkmagblog in VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol
Tags: ,

For the sex with your ex that were trying to avoid…

For that one night stand that should never have happened…

For that awkward time with your hookup when you were just so not into it…

These, my friends, were probably times you could have greatly benefited from a “sexcuse.” What is a sexcuse, you ask? A sexcuse is simply an excuse not to have sex. Boom. They get you out of doing the deed by innocently fooling your partner. The problem with sexcuses? Some are better at sexcusing themselves than others, and that is where I come in. I have sexcused myself from many hookups before, leaving in my trail countless pairs of blueballs and nearly broken hearts. I attribute this success to the use clever and seemingly genuine excuses which feign realistic disappointment listed below:

  • “I’m on my period, so no can do.”

Employed millions of times over, this sexcuse can sometimes be effective when dealing with a new partner, or a rando at the bar who you are unfamiliar with. Why? Because chances are, they do not want to go in on a CSI scene and investigate whether or not you’re telling the truth. But, there are a select few who come back with “that doesn’t bother me,” which typically causes the sexcuser to have to think quickly for an alternate reason “why not.” If you’re dealing with a boyfriend or a partner you are close to, they could perhaps know you’re telling a fib, in which case they would feel angry or offended, and again, an alternate sexcuse would need to be provided.

  • “My roommate is home, or else I’d say we could…”

The above sexcuse sometimes works if you have made it very clear you are absolutely going home that night. It provides a reason that he cannot follow you, and you are able to easily fake being disappointed or angry at your roommate and “the nerve” she has to cock-block so avidly! But again, this is a sketchy one in that he can obviously invite you back to his place, and your left searching for a sexcuse to get you out of it, again!

A couple of more clever and effective sexcuses:

  • If you have been drinking that night, which I’m assuming 90% of regretted sex derives from, try and fake ‘having the spins.’ Simply tell your partner that you hadn’t eaten much all day and that you feel dizzy.  I have used this one multiple times. It’s as easy as innocently and cutely stating that you got drunk so quickly and that your head feels dizzy. They always buy it. That let’s them know you are incapable of intercourse, and if they still want to come inside when they walk you home, then points for them!
  • If your sober with a guy trying to hump you, and are unsure of how to get yourself out of it, opt for an “I’m needed elsewhere.” sexcuse. These can sometimes be hella obvious, but as long as you’re a better actress than K-Stew, you should be able to pull it off. These “my roommate needs me” sexcuses more times than not tend to go right over guys’ heads, and again, these make it easy to act disappointed or annoyed because technically you are blaming someone else. Over break, I employed this sexcuse while at a bar in my hometown, where I left my creeper in the dust after saying “my brother just tweeted that he needs a ride so I really gotta go.” Poor sucker totally bought it, and for some extra dramatic effect, I even cursed my brother on the way out!

Basically, go with whatever sexcuse seems fit at the time. For most situations, I’d try to let them down easy and at least ACT disappointed.

– Deanna Viel

Okay you hate them, he hates them, I hate them… I’m sure we all do; especially during that big “O” moment. But let’s face it; condoms are a necessary evil during sex with a new or perhaps untrustworthy partner.

Though they decrease stimulation by a significant amount, and virtually RUIN sex, condoms are absolutely necessary when hooking up in college. Until you know and trust your partner, and unless you have an alternate mode of contraception, raw dogging it isn’t really an option. So while you must use condoms… choose ‘Cuse Condoms!

The ‘Cuse Condoms, pictured above, are the perfect way to be sexually responsible while showing school spirit!! Hah, no, but still. They’re pretty freaking awesome for late-night hook ups, or celebratory sex after the basketball team wins. Another plus; their package isn’t as obnoxious as other condom wrappers. They aren’t bright teal Trojans that take up half your wallet, so your chick won’t think you’re a pig if or when she sees one of these in your pockets.

These condoms, specially made for SU students were designed by the “Say it With a Condom” company, to make your big moment that much more orange.

Keep Calm & Penetrate each other. Safely.

-Deanna Viel

 

My roommates and I are having this talk right now, debating back and forth whether the infamous “walk of shame” should be just that.

Many college students are far from “shameful” in their sexcapades. We tweet about them, brag about them, and talk in the most public of campus environments about how we walked home shirtless at sun up. So why, if we don’t feel shame in having such a night, is the return home from that night the “walk of shame”?

More times than not it is the girls doing the walk. Or rather, more times than not the girls’ walk of shame that is obvious and taken note of. She stumbles up to Watson, heels in hand, wearing an oversized Nike Athletics shirt with her make up still on from last night and her hair messy at best, anytime between six am and high noon, and its obvious she didn’t spend the night at Club Bird or staying at a girl friends house. She is finally arriving back from her “walk of shame”. But oftentimes we girls are not quickly pacing with their eyes cast downward but casually strolling home, scrolling on our iPhones through pictures we took the night before and thanking the Gods above our mouths don’t taste like morning. So is it a walk of shame? If we are nonchalant about or now semi-public sex lives, or the obviousness of our bed head and sex stench.

Or is it a stride of pride? That we are not ashamed at all of fooling around somewhere on Sumner last night or spending a night at the frat house that you are almost thankful you don’t remember. But instead are proud.

I have heard it said more times than one that the title “walk of shame” will undoubtedly stick, regardless of whether or not people are actually shameful of their 10 am stumble home. But many campus dwellers now are pushing to refer to it as the stride of pride, that it is a symbol you got lucky last night and should be regarded as a prideful matter. I see the walk differently each time, and the true distinguishing point between a walk of shame and a stride of pride should be the person’s emotional state during the walk. To the bitches who stroll home laughingly and cannot wait to tell their roommates what a slut they were last night – pride.

What are your thoughts fellow hornballs?

-Deanna Viel