Archive for the ‘WATCH — TV’ Category


Congratulations! You’re in a new relationship! This guy is AMAZING! He’s everything you want; he’s tall, his hair is great, he’s in _______________ (insert your favorite frat here).  You want to be your best self for this guy; meaning hurry up, you don’t have that much time to change your personality!

One way to start molding yourself into this “ideal woman” is to watch his favorite television show and then pretend you’ve watched it since the beginning.  And based on what that show is, you can figure out a lot about this guy right up front.

Let’s say his favorite (and your NEW favorite) show is….

Entourage.  You’ve got a winner here!  Head out to Bed, Bath and Beyond right now and stock up on dishware because you are going to need a lot of bowls and they’re not exactly for cereal. This guy is entranced by the life the Entourage crew leads, except he’s not as hot as Vince and not as successful as Ari. Basically he’s the “entourage” of someone successful who has yet to come along, so he’s just biding his time by smoking everyday and sitting around in backwards hats and hoodies.  Yeah, he’ll come with you to ___________ (insert ANY location that isn’t academic or parent related). No, he didn’t go to class today.  But you know what? He’s your bad boy phase; go for it!  Who else will smoke you out while watching Netflix with you for three hours?

Sports Center.  Not just one show, but the entire channel. That’s it. Frankly you’ll probably marry this guy because he’s sexily athletic and is way too interested in the game to do anything to really piss you off, and in the end you just don’t want to be annoyed, right? He’s THE stereotype of man; his favorite color is blue.  He likes beer.  He wants a girl who is cool enough to actually talk to and hot enough for his friends to high-five. He has poker/bowling/bar night with his friends, which is awesome because then you and your friends can go on your own screaming wine binge. These guys aren’t all identical twins; they have little quirks too.  But it’s something small, like “I’m scared of the dark”.  If you’re in-between two of these guys just pick based on whoever’s athletic prowess makes it into the bedroom and whose mom is better.

How I Met Your Mother. This guy is the shit, and you better watch out because everyone else thinks it too.  Everyone likes him. Not only is he super nice, he IS one of the sharper tools in the shed. He’s really well rounded, he reads books for pleasure and is always down for a midnight McDonalds run because hey, we’re young and he wants to live life.  The problem with this guy, however, is he IS the shit.  Look at yourself right now. Your pajama pants have ridden so far up your body they’re basically doubling as a bra, but despite having friends over you haven’t felt the need to fix it. No one would look twice at you right now and think you would be a good match for this guy. Even if you are lucky enough to find this guy and hitch up as equals, there will be fifty people off to the side saying, “HE’S with HER?”

-Taylor Kowalski

images (1)The Victoria Secret fashion show was a few months ago, so of course the gyms have been full and dinner plates continue to stay empty as us ladies try to get rid of our flub.  The VS fashion show has become quite the social event, as Bruno Mars pulled out his fedora for the evening. It even had us planning a get-together to watch the show while we ironically served pizza and beer to juxtapose the fact that Miranda Kerr probably hasn’t tasted either.  Guys and gals alike come to our fashion show parties, and while the guys generally comment on the models’ hotness and hardness of their boners, the girls are slightly different.  If you attended a fashion show party, I’m guessing these were the three types of girls present:

The Bro.  The commentary coming from this young lady doesn’t touch upon her own physical flaws.  Instead she joins in with the men and spends an hour comparing everyone’s boobies.  She’s definitely straight, though. (or is she?)  She’ll start ranking each girl based on hotness, and about halfway through will pick a model she’d “totally hook up with.” The Bro will then refer to this poor model as “mah gurl” throughout the rest of the show.  Does she act this way because she’s confident enough in herself to appreciate the art form of another ladies donk? Or is she just trying to impress your male guests? We shall never know; The Bro’s motivations are her own.

The Rationalizer.  You know she could have that body if she wanted to.  If she went to the gym every day she could totally do it.  If she was being paid to look that good she would look that good.  But she just doesn’t want to, you know?  The Rationalizer will point out every model stereotype and use it as a reason as to why model life sucks.  “Yeah, they look awesome, but I like eating fries, thank you very much” or “We could all look like that if we wanted to, but we actually have lives, you know? I don’t have time to go to the gym every day, I want a career where I’m respected” Leave it to her to make the first joke about model intelligence: “She looks great now, sure, but looks fade; do you think she even knows how to read?”  But alas, there HAS to be a Rationalizer.  If there weren’t, no one would eat that pizza you got.

The Insecure.  Her name says it all.  She only watches the fashion show for two reasons: either she wants to spend a night in self-loathing and despair OR because she doesn’t want to be left out of a social gathering (again, refer to her name).  Her comments during the program are the kind you nod at or respond to with a quick “me too” because you don’t want to indulge her.  From her it’s a constant stream of “I’m so short”, “I could never have a stomach like that”, “I wish I looked like her”, or the dreaded query to the men: “Do you actually think that being that thin is attractive?”  She loathes The Bro for being so seemingly confident.  She bonds with The Rationalizer, who is the only thing between her and a nervous breakdown at this point.  No pizza for her this evening.

And you ask yourself why I’m not a Victoria Secret Model yet? Well, because I really want to focus on my Jerk articles, duh!

-Taylor Kowalski

How to Watch TV Like a College Student

Posted: December 14, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
Tags: , , ,

For many of us, watching something on TV rarely means actually sitting in front of a TV screen. The idea of the “original air date” seems out-dated, as most people end up streaming episodes from various websites. In all honesty, it isn’t even necessary to own a television in college; your laptop does the same thing.

Of all my friends on campus, I don’t think any of them have faithfully tuned in to a television show for the first airing. That’s not to say that college students don’t want to curl up with a pile of assigned readings or that my-test-is-tomorrow-but-I-just-realized-I-know-absolutely-nothing study guide while catching their favorite shows, sometimes it just feels impossible to watch TV and get everything done. TV’s supposed to be convenient.

For those of you who do watch TV on TV, I envy you. If it weren’t for the fact that procrastination is somehow hardwired into my genes, I’d probably be one of you. I’d get work done in my three-hour breaks from class, but instead, I use that time to Hulu and Netflix the shows I was too “busy” to catch. As sad as it is right now, pretty soon I’ll enter the real world and can schedule as much TV bonding time as I please.

-Tenaysia Fox

If you weren’t aware, a huge bidding war took place this summer over the untitled new sitcom developed by and starring Michael J. Fox (Marty McFly!). NBC won, which is appropriate since Fox got his start on Family Ties on NBC thirty years ago.  If you also aren’t already aware/were curious how this would affect the show, Fox suffers from Parkinson’s disease, and it will be one of the main points of his new character: a guy from New York raising three kids, dealing with life, careers, and illness.  But this article isn’t about his illness; it’s about why I am so ecstatic/crying/thankful that Michael J. Fox is returning to the spotlight:

1. “Wait a minute, Doc.  Ah… Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” HE’S MARTY MCFLY GUYS!

2. His humor isn’t dirty; it’s lighthearted and relatable. NBC must have finally uncovered their eyes while watching Whitney and realized why it’s the worst. Seriously, NBC, I want something I can watch with my puppy; he’s so young. Or my parents; they’re so old.

3. He’s like Charlie Sheen except only in the good ways. And you know I DO miss “good” Charlie Sheen!  In terms of sitcom roles they remind me a lot of each other; Sheen even replaced Fox on Spin City.  Except with Fox we don’t have to worry about a drunken prostitute binge since he’s actually a respectable family man.  He was given Freedom of the City by Canada, for heaven’s sake! It’s like getting the Key to the City except the weird, knock-off Canadian version.

4. Everyone likes him and always has.  What this means for the show: great writers, great producers, and basically anything he wants from NBC.  And that’s not just because NBC is a ratings crap chute right now and needs something even moderately successful. I admit it is quite the leap of faith to order 22 episodes of ANY show, unless you just came back from the future and already saw its success…. wait…

5. He IS Marty McFly!

-Taylor Kowalski

You’re sitting at home on a weeknight with your buds.  You flip through the channels and quickly flip past Law and Order: SVU and secretly want to go back, but the etiquette for the one holding the remote infers that someone else has to yell out first.  Luckily everyone does with a series of inaudible noises: “Euh!” “Oi!” “Wah!”  “Dsdvknwr!”

“OK!” you reply with a little too much glee. You flip back to SVU. This is the moment where all your friends realize the surprisingly large amount of excitement and urgency they all expelled, and you look around your little circle into each other’s eyes.  Finally, you realize you are ALL sick creeps. (The soundtrack to this is Detective Benson describing some fucked up molestation-prostitution-S&M situation, and the realization that you’re as fucked up as this sex crime is finalized as you think, “Yeah this is gonna be a good episode.”)

Why do we love Law & Order: SVU? Why do we scream “Dsdvknwr!” at our beloved friends when they flip over it? I question my sanity and likelihood of being a serial killer when I sit there and watch twelve straight hours of horrible sex crimes and actually consider that a day well spent.  When it’s over I’m too scared to move and will call 911 next time any man is in the same town as me, but by tomorrow I’ll have bought the next 200 seasons.

I’m not sure what about terrifying sex crimes draws us in.  Or maybe it really is the acting expertise of Ice T.  Whichever one it is, we’re still a bunch of creepy people.

-Taylor Kowalski

Of all the series I’ve committed to, there isn’t one show as interesting as American Horror Story: Asylum. When I sit down and catch up on all of those episodes I’ve somehow neglected, I always find myself remembering some fact about the show or finding a new reason to love it. “How so?” you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you!

  1. I realize that I love Jessica Lange. Sure, she’s no spring chicken, but she can act circles around the actresses who seem to be monopolizing our current television and film industries.
  2. Evan Peters is somehow able to be the cutest and creepiest guy on television. In season one, Evan Peters is Tate,  the super sweet, slightly obsessive ghost infatuated with Violet Harmon. Sure, he wasn’t the best human being while he was alive, but dead Tate might possibly be the perfect boyfriend. Season two brings us Kit Walker, a super sweet guy convicted of killing his wife and a few other women. As of right now, he didn’t do it, but that may change as the season progresses. Either way, Evan Peters is cute.
  3. Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are either geniuses or really bored. Considering the fact that the show tends to have a great deal of “What just happened?” moments, I think it’s fair to say that these two spend a fair share of their time contemplating how to make the show as crazy as possible. The beauty of this is that the show is never as crazy as it could be, but they make sure to tie all of the stories together with a beautiful bow by the end of the season.
  4. Location, location, location! The sets are perfect. No need to elaborate, they just are.

It’s just a TV series, but one cannot deny entertaining programming no matter how hard you try. AHS: Asylum airs every Wednesday night at 10pm on FX.

-Tenaysia Fox

It was only a matter of time before the constant quoting and hash-tagging made a stir in the meetings of Disney executives.  As many of you die-hard fans may already know, Disney is rebooting the beloved Boy Meets World in an effort to make money…uh… I mean… make us fans “happy.”  That’s all they care about, right?

The new sitcom will be called Girl Meets World and will focus on basically all the same stuff the original show did, except this time, it’s a girl, and she’s Cory and Topanga’s daughter.

I’m not really sure how I feel about this, mainly because Disney was A LOT different back in the days of Boy Meets World.  I mean, it was good and I enjoyed watching it.  Today each show has an over exaggerated premise, is polluted with overacting, and every star of every show also has a (disappointing) music career.

Boy Meets World was great because the writing and acting were actually good, and the characters were people we could get behind.  Who doesn’t remember Plays With Squirrels? (Casie stop reading) It was more important to me that Eric Matthews exceed in college than it was my own sister! (Casie you may resume reading HERE)  Nothing with the styling of Good Luck Charlie could ever get me to care about a couple for 20 years like I did Cory and Topanga.  Remember when they broke up and walked away, then both walked backed but JUST missed each other? Oh, gosh, was I a mess!

My point is that if Disney makes this show like they make everything else lately it will tarnish the Boy Meets World memory because frankly no one will care.  I want to trust them, but it’s so hard after Cory in the House.  I know Mr. Feeney is now 85, but they’ll only win me over if the first shot of the series is him gardening.

– Taylor Kowalski

I grew up in a household that appreciated classic TV, and it’s sad to see a lot of my favorite shows losing steam with my own generation just because my peers never have the chance to watch them; how can you when The Jersey Shore is TWO HOURS LONG?  So here’s my attempt to bring them back, by comparing them with today’s hit shows that you may already be into:

If you like Sex and the City, watch Golden Girls.  It’s the original foursome, and frankly a lot funnier.  Sure, you may not get a glimpse of a penis, but you’ll get 50 jokes from Sophia about how much Blanche loves ‘em.  It’s the sex of Sex and the City mixed with Medicare.  And Betty White!

If you like Saturday Night Live, watch Soap.  It’s a soap opera. Sort of.  It’s a four season-long sketch parodying daytime soaps, and it’s genius.  Evil twins, fake deaths, alien abductions; pretty much any corny soap opera plot is thrown in here, accompanied by a young Billy Crystal as the openly gay son of the rich family.

If you like The Office (specifically Michael Scott), then watch Get Smart.  You might remember Steve Carell playing the main character in a (poor) big screen adaptation of this spy comedy.  It’s about Maxwell Smart, a dense and often moronic secret agent who manages to catch the bad guy, unaware of how many times he foiled his own plan along the way (Get it? Get Smart. Like, “Go get that Smart guy he’s ruining my evil plan!” and “You’re an idiot, get smart!” Ahh, chuckles).  If Mel Brooks directed a James Bond film, this would be it.

If you like Modern Family, and specifically what the show does for all types of blended families in America, then watch All in the Family.  It’s a 1970’s sitcom centered around Archie Bunker, a politically conservative, prejudice, stubborn, outspoken bigot; and his quirky family.  What made All in the Family the highest rated show of the decade is that it pushed boundaries.  While Archie may be stubborn in his views, his character tries to adapt to the changing world and it turns out he’s a decent man.  Really moving, really controversial, and really funny.

– Taylor Kowalski

How To Make Your Own Reality Show

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
Tags: ,

Take a step back.  You’re sitting down? Well stand up and walk behind the couch. Good.  Look at what’s in front of you.  Look at your choices.  You were watching the Kardashians/Honey Boo Boo/Jersey Shore/Kendra/The Real Housewives of A Somewhat Glamorous City, and I know you’ve been doing it for about four hours.  That’s the problem with reality television: it sucks us in and never lets go.  So here’s a way to enjoy the fruits of your favorite reality programs without wasting a day in front of the TV.  Here are the steps you need to follow to create and star in your own reality TV show:

1. Wake up in the morning and look like shit.  By morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon because you’re the center of everyone’s world and they need to follow your rules.

2.  Go downstairs and demand your freeloading mother makes you breakfast! Complain about whatever she makes.

3.  When your staff (mom and dog) start talking about your career aspects (the night shift at the local grocery store), make sure to tune them out and instead text your besties on your iPhone.  When they scold you for not listening, scold right back that they’re boring.

4.  Yell to someone’s who’s upstairs.  It doesn’t matter who, they just have to be upstairs and you have to be too lazy in your velvet sweat suit to move any closer to them.

5.  Go to a café and eat a salad outside with a friend who’s not as important as you.  The only topic that can be discussed is your current relationship with your slightly more important other friend.  After your less-important friend gives you advice, look off into space through your sunglasses, which better be too big for your face.  Audiences love that!

6.  Go home and throw your purse somewhere and plop on the couch; you deserve it, you worker bee!  Relay to your mom the lessons you learned today and make sure she comments on how blessed this family is.  Pet your small, fluffy dog.

It seems like a lot, I know; I’m already tired just thinking about the going downstairs part!  But if Kim can do it, you sure can!

– Taylor Kowalski

E! News: The World IS Ending

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives, WATCH -- TV
Tags: , ,

I have been sitting in my dorm for an hour now, and for the duration of that time I have been watching the popular “news” program E! News.  I use the term “news” incredibly loosely.  Like I’m wearing a hot air balloon as a shirt kind of loose.  Don’t think I chose this – my remote is one battery short and you can’t even open the box of one of today’s televisions without the proper remote let alone change the channel.

What I’ve concluded from this confusing hour is this: E! News is horrible.  So, so horrible.  I had another sentence here but had to delete it to point out that the E! News “anchor” just called Gisele the “MPP, Most Popular Prego” of Hollywood.  To that the other “anchor” retorted, “Hah! Great joke!”  I would actually prefer to watch two ship anchors sit at a desk.

But not even the journalism prowess of two ship anchors could improve the story of “Is Miley sick of twitter?”  (Is she? I REALLY need to know) Nor could they drag themselves to the producers fast enough to let them know that Honey Boo-Boo isn’t a news correspondent.

And what kind of news program only reports on other shows on that channel?  NBC doesn’t just cover what Nick Lachey is up to in Stars Earn Stripes, why does E! spend three hours covering whether or not the Kardashians look better in ponytails or curls?

I think I have become less intelligent while watching this program, my only comfort being found in the fact that by writing this article I’ve proven to myself that I haven’t lost the ability to read.  I can’t say the same for my spelling.  That’s what editors are for, though.


-Taylor Kowalski