Posts Tagged ‘Taylor Kowalski’

If you weren’t aware, a huge bidding war took place this summer over the untitled new sitcom developed by and starring Michael J. Fox (Marty McFly!). NBC won, which is appropriate since Fox got his start on Family Ties on NBC thirty years ago.  If you also aren’t already aware/were curious how this would affect the show, Fox suffers from Parkinson’s disease, and it will be one of the main points of his new character: a guy from New York raising three kids, dealing with life, careers, and illness.  But this article isn’t about his illness; it’s about why I am so ecstatic/crying/thankful that Michael J. Fox is returning to the spotlight:

1. “Wait a minute, Doc.  Ah… Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” HE’S MARTY MCFLY GUYS!

2. His humor isn’t dirty; it’s lighthearted and relatable. NBC must have finally uncovered their eyes while watching Whitney and realized why it’s the worst. Seriously, NBC, I want something I can watch with my puppy; he’s so young. Or my parents; they’re so old.

3. He’s like Charlie Sheen except only in the good ways. And you know I DO miss “good” Charlie Sheen!  In terms of sitcom roles they remind me a lot of each other; Sheen even replaced Fox on Spin City.  Except with Fox we don’t have to worry about a drunken prostitute binge since he’s actually a respectable family man.  He was given Freedom of the City by Canada, for heaven’s sake! It’s like getting the Key to the City except the weird, knock-off Canadian version.

4. Everyone likes him and always has.  What this means for the show: great writers, great producers, and basically anything he wants from NBC.  And that’s not just because NBC is a ratings crap chute right now and needs something even moderately successful. I admit it is quite the leap of faith to order 22 episodes of ANY show, unless you just came back from the future and already saw its success…. wait…

5. He IS Marty McFly!

-Taylor Kowalski

You’re sitting at home on a weeknight with your buds.  You flip through the channels and quickly flip past Law and Order: SVU and secretly want to go back, but the etiquette for the one holding the remote infers that someone else has to yell out first.  Luckily everyone does with a series of inaudible noises: “Euh!” “Oi!” “Wah!”  “Dsdvknwr!”

“OK!” you reply with a little too much glee. You flip back to SVU. This is the moment where all your friends realize the surprisingly large amount of excitement and urgency they all expelled, and you look around your little circle into each other’s eyes.  Finally, you realize you are ALL sick creeps. (The soundtrack to this is Detective Benson describing some fucked up molestation-prostitution-S&M situation, and the realization that you’re as fucked up as this sex crime is finalized as you think, “Yeah this is gonna be a good episode.”)

Why do we love Law & Order: SVU? Why do we scream “Dsdvknwr!” at our beloved friends when they flip over it? I question my sanity and likelihood of being a serial killer when I sit there and watch twelve straight hours of horrible sex crimes and actually consider that a day well spent.  When it’s over I’m too scared to move and will call 911 next time any man is in the same town as me, but by tomorrow I’ll have bought the next 200 seasons.

I’m not sure what about terrifying sex crimes draws us in.  Or maybe it really is the acting expertise of Ice T.  Whichever one it is, we’re still a bunch of creepy people.

-Taylor Kowalski

I grew up in a household that appreciated classic TV, and it’s sad to see a lot of my favorite shows losing steam with my own generation just because my peers never have the chance to watch them; how can you when The Jersey Shore is TWO HOURS LONG?  So here’s my attempt to bring them back, by comparing them with today’s hit shows that you may already be into:

If you like Sex and the City, watch Golden Girls.  It’s the original foursome, and frankly a lot funnier.  Sure, you may not get a glimpse of a penis, but you’ll get 50 jokes from Sophia about how much Blanche loves ‘em.  It’s the sex of Sex and the City mixed with Medicare.  And Betty White!

If you like Saturday Night Live, watch Soap.  It’s a soap opera. Sort of.  It’s a four season-long sketch parodying daytime soaps, and it’s genius.  Evil twins, fake deaths, alien abductions; pretty much any corny soap opera plot is thrown in here, accompanied by a young Billy Crystal as the openly gay son of the rich family.

If you like The Office (specifically Michael Scott), then watch Get Smart.  You might remember Steve Carell playing the main character in a (poor) big screen adaptation of this spy comedy.  It’s about Maxwell Smart, a dense and often moronic secret agent who manages to catch the bad guy, unaware of how many times he foiled his own plan along the way (Get it? Get Smart. Like, “Go get that Smart guy he’s ruining my evil plan!” and “You’re an idiot, get smart!” Ahh, chuckles).  If Mel Brooks directed a James Bond film, this would be it.

If you like Modern Family, and specifically what the show does for all types of blended families in America, then watch All in the Family.  It’s a 1970’s sitcom centered around Archie Bunker, a politically conservative, prejudice, stubborn, outspoken bigot; and his quirky family.  What made All in the Family the highest rated show of the decade is that it pushed boundaries.  While Archie may be stubborn in his views, his character tries to adapt to the changing world and it turns out he’s a decent man.  Really moving, really controversial, and really funny.

– Taylor Kowalski

How To Make Your Own Reality Show

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
Tags: ,

Take a step back.  You’re sitting down? Well stand up and walk behind the couch. Good.  Look at what’s in front of you.  Look at your choices.  You were watching the Kardashians/Honey Boo Boo/Jersey Shore/Kendra/The Real Housewives of A Somewhat Glamorous City, and I know you’ve been doing it for about four hours.  That’s the problem with reality television: it sucks us in and never lets go.  So here’s a way to enjoy the fruits of your favorite reality programs without wasting a day in front of the TV.  Here are the steps you need to follow to create and star in your own reality TV show:

1. Wake up in the morning and look like shit.  By morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon because you’re the center of everyone’s world and they need to follow your rules.

2.  Go downstairs and demand your freeloading mother makes you breakfast! Complain about whatever she makes.

3.  When your staff (mom and dog) start talking about your career aspects (the night shift at the local grocery store), make sure to tune them out and instead text your besties on your iPhone.  When they scold you for not listening, scold right back that they’re boring.

4.  Yell to someone’s who’s upstairs.  It doesn’t matter who, they just have to be upstairs and you have to be too lazy in your velvet sweat suit to move any closer to them.

5.  Go to a café and eat a salad outside with a friend who’s not as important as you.  The only topic that can be discussed is your current relationship with your slightly more important other friend.  After your less-important friend gives you advice, look off into space through your sunglasses, which better be too big for your face.  Audiences love that!

6.  Go home and throw your purse somewhere and plop on the couch; you deserve it, you worker bee!  Relay to your mom the lessons you learned today and make sure she comments on how blessed this family is.  Pet your small, fluffy dog.

It seems like a lot, I know; I’m already tired just thinking about the going downstairs part!  But if Kim can do it, you sure can!

– Taylor Kowalski

Congratulations! You’re in a new relationship!  And while the girl your friends set you up with is different from EVERY girl out there, realize you’re still going to encounter this conversation:

Girl of Dreams: “OH MY GOD you don’t watch “BLAH”?! I’m making you watch “BLAH”! It’s my favorite EVVUUUURRR!”

You: Okay! (You’d do anything for her!)

But this is still new, and you don’t know everything about her yet, so here’s your chance to turn “BLAH” into a learning experience.  Here’s what to expect from this girl down the road, depending on what “BLAH” is.

“BLAH” is…

Any HBO show.  This girl is already out of your league, sorry.  Prepare yourself for violent, neck vein-inducing political debates laced with quotes from The Newsroom.  Don’t try to win though; anything you say is ignorant.  While this girl will bust your balls in all things ethical and historical, she’s still lingering around the TV for True Blood and Sex and the City, so there is a wild side.  Warning: Position yourself away from the TV while embarking on any sex-capades with your lady unless you want to see her eyes flicker from Eric’s hot vampire body, to your beer-filled figure, then back to Eric where they stay for the duration of the act.

Pretty Little Liars.  Go to Tops. Go to the aisle with the tissues. Buy the aisle. This girl cries a lot.  It doesn’t have to be a bad thing; you can use her tears to start that saltwater aquarium you’ve always wanted! If she’s watching one of her teen soaps and isn’t crying, she’s probably gaping at the TV in shock- CAN YOU BELIEVE WHO WAS JUST SHOT?! Neither can she!  This girl is fun though.  She’s the kind that will get really excited about a costume party, but in a fun way.  She’ll probably make your costume for you, too.  So there’s that.

Every NBC show that’s ever been on.  This is me.  I’m an NBC whore.  If you put a peacock in the corner of the screen I’ll watch whatever’s playing for three years at least (Except Whitney).  What to expect from us:  we subconsciously want to be a character on one of our dream shows so as a result we turned out weirdly TOO quirky.  We won’t sleep with you right away because Liz Lemon taught us not to, but what she did teach us to do is eat a lot so if you want to go get a grilled cheese sandwich we’re down.

Adventure Time.  Don’t know what this show is? Well that’s how it’s going to be with everything this girl likes so get used to it.  You’ll catch on though- she wants to “expose” you.  A typical date with this girl will consist of seeing a foreign film, driving around aimlessly and admiring “the bustle of life” that she scoffs you for not noticing before, and will probably end with you guys laying in her driveway smoking cigarettes.  If you’re lucky maybe you’ll get a group of her friends to run around a field with you guys while holding sparklers.

– Taylor Kowalski

If you’ve kept up with How I Met Your Mother for the last 15 years like I have, you probably know the characters are finally putting their adult pants on.  We found out during the premiere that (SPOILER ALERT!) nothing new happened, because not much happened.

We continue watching though because we love it.  At least I did, until this past Monday’s (10/1) episode.  This episode was so repetitive and pointless that I was tempted to vomit all over my computer just to show my displeasure.

If you didn’t watch it, keep reading! It’ll be easier on you if I just take you through this dog-and-pony show.

It begins with stating that one of these couples will break up: Ted and Victoria, Barney and Quinn, or Robyn and whoever the hell that guy is.  Already we don’t care at all.  We know Barney and Robyn are scheduled to maybe tie the knot.  You know what else we know? You aren’t the mom, Victoria. Get out of here and make a cupcake or something.

But regardless, we have Ted and Victoria living together…with Klaus.  Doesn’t this ex-fiancé situation remind Ted of why him and Stella broke up?  The apartment should also have at least a shred of awkwardness since Klaus and Victoria left each other at the altar roughly a half hour ago, but I guess we’re just suppose to ignore that.  It’s not like there’d be leftover feelings after years of being together or anything.

Oh, and to Robyn’s boyfriend: Who are you? Do I care? I don’t know, am I suppose to?  Due to your lack of backstory I have to assume you’re either a serial killer or a ghost.

Once again though, we don’t care about any of that.  We know none of them are staying together anyway. Barney and Quinn are the ones that end up biting the dust at the end (gasp!), but it could have been any of them; I still would have responded with a dead gaze and a glance at the clock to see how much youth I wasted.

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey! How I Met Your Mother was good! There are a lot of episodes that don’t get you closer to the mother!”

To that I say yes, but those episodes were funny. (Boom! Roasted.)

– Taylor Kowalski

We’ve all seen it.  That “Friends” poster, with the cast lovingly sipping milkshakes together, giving you a look that says “Yeah, we can all touch each other’s arms and it’s not weird.”  It seems that their lives are too good to be true! Unfortunately it is too good to be true.  The problem, however, is that we still all want to be able to touch each other’s arms and have it not be weird.  We look around at our group of friends, assigning them the different roles (don’t worry, YOU are Rachel) and dream of dancing around a fountain and velvet sofa in matching white outfits/playful smiles.

Unfortunately “Friends” is a show not too entirely based in reality.

As I watch my peers embark into the horror of the real world with such expectations, I’ve observed that there are a few reasons why we just can’t be “Friends”. So buckle up, for this is fantasy-shattering:

1. People get sick of each other. Who wants to hang out with me all day, every day? I sure don’t! That’s why I go to sleep every night.  Here’s what “Friends” would look like if it were based in reality:

Monica gets a text from Chandler:

“Hey do you guys wanna hang out?”

Monica replies, “Who are you with?”

Chandler says, “Ross and Joey.”

Monica reads it aloud to the girls.  Phoebe and Rachel scrunch up their faces and shake their heads; they aren’t in the mood.  There’s a moan about not having any friends.  The girls go get Chipotle.  The show is cancelled… along with our dreams

The apartments: the huge, beautiful, could-never-afford-at-your-age-and-income apartments.  These two apartments are available AND next to each other? It’s a dream come true!  Except, it actually won’t come true.  What is true, though, is that with the salary of the jobs we’ll get out of college we can recreate “Friends” all we want with our parents because we’ll be living with them! Or in a box… that our parents bought.

2. There will be sex and that’s not just a There Will Be Blood sequel idea.  Three guys. Three girls. Everyone is weirdly too hot.  Soon the coffee shop you deemed your group’s “place” is a hot zone for awkward run-ins accompanied by averted eyes and soft, regretful sighs.

3. Hey, it’s marriage! Oh and look, a child! Wait, you’re under 40? You’re out of the group.

I could discuss how everyone will realize how creepy your Joey friend is or the annoyance of people walking into your apartment unannounced, but I know the wound of these truths is already too deep.  I leave you with a quote from the theme song, “I’ll Be There For You” by the Rembrandts.  Except not really, because I’m changing it so it makes more sense:

“I’ll be there for you! [Sometimes!] When the rain starts to pour [I won’t be there probably, it’s kind of cold outside].”

– Taylor Kowalski