Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

How To Make Your Own Reality Show

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
Tags: ,

Take a step back.  You’re sitting down? Well stand up and walk behind the couch. Good.  Look at what’s in front of you.  Look at your choices.  You were watching the Kardashians/Honey Boo Boo/Jersey Shore/Kendra/The Real Housewives of A Somewhat Glamorous City, and I know you’ve been doing it for about four hours.  That’s the problem with reality television: it sucks us in and never lets go.  So here’s a way to enjoy the fruits of your favorite reality programs without wasting a day in front of the TV.  Here are the steps you need to follow to create and star in your own reality TV show:

1. Wake up in the morning and look like shit.  By morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon because you’re the center of everyone’s world and they need to follow your rules.

2.  Go downstairs and demand your freeloading mother makes you breakfast! Complain about whatever she makes.

3.  When your staff (mom and dog) start talking about your career aspects (the night shift at the local grocery store), make sure to tune them out and instead text your besties on your iPhone.  When they scold you for not listening, scold right back that they’re boring.

4.  Yell to someone’s who’s upstairs.  It doesn’t matter who, they just have to be upstairs and you have to be too lazy in your velvet sweat suit to move any closer to them.

5.  Go to a café and eat a salad outside with a friend who’s not as important as you.  The only topic that can be discussed is your current relationship with your slightly more important other friend.  After your less-important friend gives you advice, look off into space through your sunglasses, which better be too big for your face.  Audiences love that!

6.  Go home and throw your purse somewhere and plop on the couch; you deserve it, you worker bee!  Relay to your mom the lessons you learned today and make sure she comments on how blessed this family is.  Pet your small, fluffy dog.

It seems like a lot, I know; I’m already tired just thinking about the going downstairs part!  But if Kim can do it, you sure can!

– Taylor Kowalski

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Ever watched an episode of Jersey Shore? We all have, don’t deny it. Well, you have just joined Anderson Cooper’s exclusive Ridiculist Club. Last week during a broadcast of AC360°, Cooper went on a rampage against anyone and everyone who has ever paid Snooki to do anything. That includes breathing.

Two weeks ago it was announced that the entire cast of Jersey Shore would now be paid $100,000 per episode. According to Cooper, we are all at fault for this deplorable fact. “If you listen closely, you can hear school teachers around the country weeping right now,” he laments. Shame on us!

While I’m not quite ready to take the blame for Snooki’s pay raise, I am willing to bear some of the brunt for the stupidity of my state (yes, I’m a Jersey girl). It recently came to light that Rutgers, New Jersey’s largest university, will be paying Snooki a whopping $32,000 to speak about the struggles of keeping up the GTL lifestyle, presumably.

Now, universities pay celebrities big bucks to come speak at their schools all the time, so what makes this story such a big deal? Well, the problem here is that Rutgers is also paying Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison to speak at their Commencement in May. However, they are paying her $2000 less than the amount Snooki is receiving.

Cooper rightfully launched an attack against Rutgers in response to this inexcusable insult against Morrison, comparing a quote from The Bluest Eye to a quote from Snooki’s book—if that what’s they’re calling it—A Shore Thing. It’s one thing for youth culture to put Snooki on a pedestal, but it’s an entirely different thing for an institute of higher education to do the same. That is an unforgivably damning message to send to students: one of utter defeat.

Watch Cooper’s attack after the jump:

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Glued to the screen

Glued to the screen watching chaos ensue

 

It started with Jessica. Next was Ashlee. Then Kristin, Lauren, Whitney. Throw a little Britney and Kev into the mix and you had the sad uphill climb of television’s greatest trainwreck that America just could not. stop. watching: reality shows.

As the small screen’s lowest common denominator in terms of quality and creative thought, it’s easy for networks to pump out these shows in bulk and even easier for us to get totally and inexplicably sucked into them. But the most expensive, elaborate, deceptive yet mind-blowingly addictive reality show in history wasn’t just a mid-season replacement – it was a lifetime endeavor. Welcome to “The Truman Show.”

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