Posts Tagged ‘playboy’

Raise your hand if you’re surprised – Hugh Hefner’s latest child-bride, Crystal Harris, has called off the wedding just five days before walking down the aisle. On moving out of the mansion this past Monday, Crystal said, “It was all happening too fast for me.” Really? I’m pretty sure if you’re screwing a guy at his age, nothing is really happening too fast. So was she with him for money, or does she really get off to the wrinkly private parts of Hugh Hefner?

Call me crazy, but I’m guessing it was for the money. It’s too much of a coincidence that her single “Club Queen” was planned to be released on iTunes the week of the wedding. Without all of the publicity from the wedding and posing for Playboy’s July issue as “Mrs. Crystal Hefner,” I’m not so sure people would really pay much care to another platinum blonde making music (Flashback to Heidi Montag’s attempt at succeeding in the music industry).

Claire Sinclair, Playmate and girlfriend of Hefner’s son Martson, had nothing nice to say about Crystal while speaking with Howard Stern. “She’s nothing but a gold digger,” she said. Dear Claire, thanks for stating the obvious. Honestly, if you’re getting involved with an 85-year-old man, you aren’t there to play with whatever he’s got going on down there – unless he’s Hugh Hefner.

Why? Because he’s loaded. That’s what plenty of women unfortunately think is the measure of success. On the state of his mind, Hefner’s Twitter didn’t reveal anything too depressing. In fact, he promoted Crystal’s single simply tweeting, “The wedding is off. Crystal had a change of heart.” Interesting, maybe he was just going along with it to help her career?

-Julia Fuino

Which ass is the WORLD'S BIGGEST DOUCHE?

This week, John Mayer and Rob Pattinson both gave interviews, to Playboy and Details respectively. After reading both of the articles and following the responses to them, I am left wondering which pasty un-sexy asswipe is the biggest DOUCHE. So welcome to the Jerk Blog’s first Douche-off.

The Contestants:
John Mayer – Slammin’ guitarist known as the next Eric Clapton and for being a giant turd.

Rob Pattinson – Actor yet to reach his potential (we’re hoping Remember Me won’t be too bad), though he’s downgraded from hot Cedric in Harry Potter to creepy, effeminate Edward in Twilight.

Forum: Magazine Interviews, of which I’ve dissected and assembled to create a debate between Mayer and R-Patz:

John Mayer: I really said, “I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson.”… That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me…Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. (+4 douche points, you really are the worst ex-boyfriend ever).

R Patz: The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. (+5 douche points, self-explanatory) (more…)