Posts Tagged ‘Jessie Assimon’

 

Lauren Conrad in sailor costume

Yes, this girl should totally start a clothing line.

Apparently book publishers don’t look for significant, extensive fashion experience when deciding who should write fashion books. Well, at least that’s what it looks like considering Lauren Conrad will write Lauren Conrad Style for Harper Collins, the company announced this week. The blond reality star doesn’t exactly qualify as a fashion expert and her writing abilities are questionable (people wonder if LA Candy was ghostwritten), so how did she do it? Here’s what I’ve learned from Conrad on how to land a fashion book deal (without going through the Newhouse Fashion Communications Milestone):

1.Star in reality T.V. shows. Come on, we all know Conrad wouldn’t be as successful as she is today if she didn’t lust after Kristin’s Stephen on Laguna Beach. (more…)

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Have no fear, Stephenie Meyer is here!

Have no fear, Stephenie Meyer is here!

Last week Female Force comic book released a biography of The Twilight Saga author Stephenie Meyer. According to ComicsAlliance, the 28-page snoozer tells the story of how Meyer “grew up in the Southwest, got married, had kids, wrote some books about vampires and got rich.”

For those of you like myself, who read Meyer’s four-book saga, this news might make you say, “WTF? She’s the subject of an entire comic book?”

I’m not going to lie. I love The Twilight Saga. I’ve read all four books, own the DVD, have plans to see New Moon next week and am listening to the Twilight soundtrack (my younger sister burned me her friends’ copy) as I write this.

But, I adamantly proclaim that Meyer sucks at writing. She can tell a story, but the technical deliverance is another issue. Therefore, this comic book news made me realize, if Meyer can star in a comic book, so can I. (more…)

Jon Gosselin having a "mantrum" with his drug dealer, also known as his girlfriend Hailey Glassman.

Jon Gosselin having a "mantrum" with his drug dealer, also known as his girlfriend Hailey Glassman.

I hate to write about Jon Gosselin again, but it needs to happen. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how Gosselin taught me to lose a million-dollar contract. This week, Gosselin taught me how to expose all my secrets: date or surround yourself with women in their early 20s; they’re sure to tell “Inside Edition” all the juicy details.

Lesson one: always trust the babysitter. Stephanie Santoro babysat for Gosselin’s eight children and recently exposed some of his alleged habits to the tabloid TV show, “Inside Edition.” Santoro told the show that Gosselin smoked pot while the kids were home and hacked into his wife Kate’s email account. Maybe he got the weed from his girlfriend, 22 year old Hailey Glassman (she was arrested for drug possession in 2005).

Lesson two: Send all your secrets in text messages. Santoro claims she has “hundred and hundreds of text messages” to back her accusations. Imagine: “Hails gave me weed. Got the munchies, kids crying bc I ate all their ice cream. LOL.”

Lesson three: Date Glassman. Glassman told “Inside Edition” this week that Gosselin has “mantrums.” She said Gosselin takes his anger out on her during phone calls. This makes her cry and leads her to ask him, “Why are you so mean to me?” I think “Why am I dating you?” is a more sufficient question.

~Jessie Assimon

 

Just a couple of Jerks.

Just a couple of Jerks.

“Some people have a way about them that seems to say: “If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.” 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

 

Lindsay Lohan's face in 1998.

Lindsay Lohan's face in 1998.

This week Americans read these apparently important headlines: Boy Trapped in Flying Saucer, Kanye West is Not Dead and WTF is Up With Lindsay Lohan’s Face? I learned from pop culture this week that subjects such as a celebrity’s face deserve as much coverage as the President’s press conference on health care.

Many “news” Web sites (or tabloid sites and blogs, I should say) wrote articles and produced photo slide shows that compared an older photo to a newer photo of Lindsay Lohan’s face. They questioned her new appearance, simply asking readers, “What happened?” No actual news accompanied this story –she just looked a bit different, so these sites reported that.

I became rather curious as to what really happened, so I thoroughly studied www.USMagazine.com‘s 12-photo slide show that featured Lohan’s face through the years. Here is what I found:

The solution is rather simple. She’s older, she wears a lot of make-up -everything from bronzer to a generous amount of eyeliner and eye shadow- and her weight fluctuates. Of course Lohan’s face looks different than it looked when she played the lead in The Parent Trap in 1998. (more…)

Dave sure loves the ladies!

Dave sure loves the ladies!

The man who likes to criticize and make fun of everyone else’s foolish antics apparently has been the one acting foolishly all along. As most of you know, David Letterman, the late night talk show host, admitted to past sexual relations with female staff members. Robert “Joe” Halderman, allegedly extorted Letterman into airing his dirty laundry, for if Letterman didn’t confess to his flings on air, he allegedly would have to pay $2 million.

Honestly, I don’t care about this story. What he did was wrong and unprofessional, but personally, the story disinterests me. Yet, this week’s biggest pop culture headline did, of course, teach me a few valuable lessons.

Lesson One: If you’re out there cracking a joke at the dirty laundry of politicians and celebrities, you probably have some skeletons in your own closet.

In fact, Letterman jokes about other affairs so often (it is his job, after all) that when he announced his own affairs, his studio audience laughed at first. They thought he was joking!

Is there anything you want to say, Jay? (more…)

Definition of a midlife crisis: backwards hat, Ed Hardy, chucks, and a diamond stud.

Definition of a midlife crisis: backwards hat, Ed Hardy, chucks, and a diamond stud.

Congrats Jon Gosselin! Your French rendezvous, partying, babysitter sleepovers, playa days successfully deemed you America’s Worst Dad. Yes, your own show, your sole source of income, which only requires you to act like a father to your eight children, just fired you. That’s right; T.L.C. thinks that your midlife crisis deemed you unworthy of starring on a show about your family.

Well, it’s not like you were trying to keep your job. Did you think that when you started holding impromptu press conferences on your front lawn with the paparazzi that the network would love that? How about when you started bedding one of those front lawn paps and asked her to resign from her job as a reporter at Star when you had already gone public with your other girlfriend – a 22-year-old alleged stoner? I can’t believe you would’ve thought these actions screamed “All American Dad” and would allow you to keep your job.

(more…)