Posts Tagged ‘Fresh Meat’

One thing I would not have been able to tell you about being a freshman at Syracuse–until actually becoming a freshman at ‘Cuse–is the importance of Nintendo 64 to freshmen boys.

I don’t know if it’s just all freshmen boys or the ones in my particular hall, but if there is one thing for girls to perfect over the summer before coming to Syracuse are your old Nintendo 64 skills. For any freshman girl wondering how to meet a nice guy in the dorms, now is your chance to ask for a Nintendo 64 or GameCube for Christmas and start practicing for next semester.

Personally, it’s been about eight years since I last challenged my sister to a game of Super Mario Bros. and I slightly regret it. If I would of known that my video-gaming skills could possibly come in handy in college, then I might of thought twice before throwing them out.

P.S. Nintendo GameCube could become your new Ski House on a Thursday night when those blizzards start hitting us hard–and I’m not referring to the degree at which you’ve been partying.

Party hard, play harder.

-Fresh Meat

Being back at home after three months of ‘Cuse college life is quite the adjustment to say the least. Not only is home starting to not feel like home anymore, but doing activities and going to places that once felt normal are starting to feel, well, really weird.

Here is a list of the top five things most freshies are probably having a hard time adjusting to while being under the same roof as their rents:

  1. No more late night campus food delivery. For me, this is a good thing since the majority of that stuff is garbage anyways–and now that I’m home, I’m not tempted to indulge in late night calorie binging. (-1 for the freshmen fifteen.)
  2. Driving a car. Make sure you take it slow the first time because I guarantee you’re not as good of a driver as you were three months ago.
  3. Eating actual good food. Whether it’s home cooked food you’ve been craving or your favorite restaurant dish, savor the meals you have at home because it’s a billion times better than Ernie Davis even on a good day.
  4. Being productive. I’ve found that even my laziest days at home are more productive than any weekend I’ve had at ‘Cuse. Our fragile bodies might not be used to running errands and eating three meals in one day so you might want to take it easy every once in a while i.e. NAP.
  5. Doing whatever the fuck you want (or don’t want). This is the beauty of college and most of us don’t have this same luxury at home. Remember that.

But, be nice to your parents because they want you to succeed. (Oh, and they’re paying a fortune for you to go to school on top of that.)

-Fresh Meat

My roommate took this artsy picture and is very proud of herself.

Is this really necessary?

I could not help but do a double take recently at the lube dispenser I saw in the women’s bathroom of Goldstein Student Center on South Campus. That’s right, I said lube.

Just as Jonah Hill sarcastically commented in “Superbad, ”“Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would’ve been able to handle your four-inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube!” I too find it extremely ridiculous that any college student would use lube for any sexual encounter or at least buy it in a campus bathroom.

So why does this extremely out of place and random lube dispenser even exist? Is Syracuse University under the impression that its students need help having sex or something? Not awkward at all…

-Fresh Meat

Two Weeks Notice

Posted: November 8, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , ,

Many of us freshmen will be going home for Thanksgiving break in a mere two weeks and will be reuniting with not only family and close friends, but also judgmental high school kids. Whether you choose to see people that are still in high school or not, just know that there is one thing they will definitely talk about behind your back: how much weight you’ve gained.

It’s important to note that although the “freshmen 15” refers to the entire freshmen year, some of us have most likely gained about 3-5 pounds of solid Easy Mac, Sbarro pizza, self serve ice cream and alcohol (sorry, mom) during our first semester of college.  And it shows.

So in order to avoid the dirty looks, now is the time to do a quick slim down before going home.  Avoid eating season fries and dessert every night and hit the gym when you’re bored instead of Facebook stalking.

Shape Up,

Fresh Meat

Life as a freshman can get lonely at times; you’re still in the process of making new friends as you slowly realize that some of the people you’ve been required to hang out with thus far (roommates, floor mates, people in class, etc.) are beginning to annoy the shit out of you.

For those in need of a nice place to study, make some new friends (possibly someone you’ve wanted to talk to but never had the opportunity to do so without it being awkward) and/or flee the “friends” you’ve made, check out these five spots. Who knows, maybe you’ll even run into me! (more…)

Midterms are finally over! And just in time to get completely shitfaced for Halloween. (Because we all know you’re thinking it.) But, don’t let that be the only form of celebration you give yourself after studying your ass off for the first big tests of the year (that is assuming you studied…).

Try treating yourself to some Chipotle or Pastabilities, get mani/pedi at Garbo’s, or how about just allow yourself to get a full night’s sleep–or, sleeping through that class you just took a midterm for–for some alternative ways of celebrating.

Now that the first quarter of the semester is over, here is a checklist you must have completed to ensure full success at the end of your semester:

(more…)

It’s a general understanding that retainers are just gross and a total reminder of middle school. Actually, I take that back; ALL oral tools (braces, retainers, mouth guards, etc.) are just plain disgusting and should only be worn during or before puberty.

But what do you do when you are supposed to wear your retainer to bed in order to keep your teeth straight?  I’ve been struggling with this ever since school started, after noticing my teeth were shifting over the summer (thank you, wisdom teeth).  I remember one time I tried wearing it to bed, only to find my roommate giving me a puzzling look saying, “I didn’t know you wore a retainer…”

I don’t want to be that loser on the floor who cares about her teeth enough to wear a retainer every night, but, at the same time, I don’t want my teeth totally fucked up to the point where I’ll potentially need braces again. So you can see my dilemma. Jerks, I need your advice. What should I do?

-Fresh Meat

The “sick card” is something we all have played before in order to get out of going out on that night you just feel like watching a move in bed or skipping your least favorite class.  But since arriving at ‘Cuse, it seems as though every freshman I know has played this card multiple times (myself included).

Whether our immune systems are still adjusting to the cooler temperature that upstate New York has to offer or living in close quarters with other dirty, sick freshmen, I cannot get rid of this bug.  It does not help that the Health Center receptionists are not friendly, to say the least, and treat you like a dumbass when you walk in and try to make an appointment instead of calling ahead of time.

So, what should you do if you’re feeling like me and being the “Debbie downer” of the night?  Follow my five tips and hopefully you’ll get over this fall sickness as fast as possible–just in time for parents weekend! Yay…not.

(more…)

One of the biggest adjustments for any freshman is sharing a communal bathroom with everyone who lives on your floor in your dorm. Whether you are a guy or girl, it’s odd to see the occasional pubic hair show up on the toilet seat or that wad of hair on the shower drain. Recently, I’ve encountered some “floor bathroom only” findings that I’d like to share.

Number one, what the hell is Chinese food doing in the trash can next to the shower?  Why would anyone think “Oh, that’s a great place to put my takeout trash?” It stinks and is probably one of the most unusual scents I have ever smelled when getting out of the shower.  Number two, condoms in the shower. Just don’t do it, or if you’re going to do it, at least make it look like you didn’t.  Floormmates fucking in the shower is just plain awkward for anyone who is aware that it’s happening, especially when you notice it as you’re shaving your legs.

-Fresh Meat

In one of my classes (I won’t name which one), I have the biggest fucking hipster as my professor. At first, I thought he was the TA or just someone filling in for the day.  But, I was wrong. This professor who will remain anonymous wears cuffed skinny jeans, the same button down shirt, Woody Allen glasses, perfectly placed messy but clean hair, and Urban Outfitters boat shoes.

Not to mention, he believes he is always right and acts extremely pretentious, rambling on and on about how what we are learning is probably so brilliant that no one in the class can even fathom understanding it. I’d like to see someone card him at one of the bars on Marshall St. or even ask for his student ID.  That would be pretty damn funny.

-Fresh Meat