Archive for the ‘WATCH — TV’ Category

I grew up in a household that appreciated classic TV, and it’s sad to see a lot of my favorite shows losing steam with my own generation just because my peers never have the chance to watch them; how can you when The Jersey Shore is TWO HOURS LONG?  So here’s my attempt to bring them back, by comparing them with today’s hit shows that you may already be into:

If you like Sex and the City, watch Golden Girls.  It’s the original foursome, and frankly a lot funnier.  Sure, you may not get a glimpse of a penis, but you’ll get 50 jokes from Sophia about how much Blanche loves ‘em.  It’s the sex of Sex and the City mixed with Medicare.  And Betty White!

If you like Saturday Night Live, watch Soap.  It’s a soap opera. Sort of.  It’s a four season-long sketch parodying daytime soaps, and it’s genius.  Evil twins, fake deaths, alien abductions; pretty much any corny soap opera plot is thrown in here, accompanied by a young Billy Crystal as the openly gay son of the rich family.

If you like The Office (specifically Michael Scott), then watch Get Smart.  You might remember Steve Carell playing the main character in a (poor) big screen adaptation of this spy comedy.  It’s about Maxwell Smart, a dense and often moronic secret agent who manages to catch the bad guy, unaware of how many times he foiled his own plan along the way (Get it? Get Smart. Like, “Go get that Smart guy he’s ruining my evil plan!” and “You’re an idiot, get smart!” Ahh, chuckles).  If Mel Brooks directed a James Bond film, this would be it.

If you like Modern Family, and specifically what the show does for all types of blended families in America, then watch All in the Family.  It’s a 1970’s sitcom centered around Archie Bunker, a politically conservative, prejudice, stubborn, outspoken bigot; and his quirky family.  What made All in the Family the highest rated show of the decade is that it pushed boundaries.  While Archie may be stubborn in his views, his character tries to adapt to the changing world and it turns out he’s a decent man.  Really moving, really controversial, and really funny.

– Taylor Kowalski

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How To Make Your Own Reality Show

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
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Take a step back.  You’re sitting down? Well stand up and walk behind the couch. Good.  Look at what’s in front of you.  Look at your choices.  You were watching the Kardashians/Honey Boo Boo/Jersey Shore/Kendra/The Real Housewives of A Somewhat Glamorous City, and I know you’ve been doing it for about four hours.  That’s the problem with reality television: it sucks us in and never lets go.  So here’s a way to enjoy the fruits of your favorite reality programs without wasting a day in front of the TV.  Here are the steps you need to follow to create and star in your own reality TV show:

1. Wake up in the morning and look like shit.  By morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon because you’re the center of everyone’s world and they need to follow your rules.

2.  Go downstairs and demand your freeloading mother makes you breakfast! Complain about whatever she makes.

3.  When your staff (mom and dog) start talking about your career aspects (the night shift at the local grocery store), make sure to tune them out and instead text your besties on your iPhone.  When they scold you for not listening, scold right back that they’re boring.

4.  Yell to someone’s who’s upstairs.  It doesn’t matter who, they just have to be upstairs and you have to be too lazy in your velvet sweat suit to move any closer to them.

5.  Go to a café and eat a salad outside with a friend who’s not as important as you.  The only topic that can be discussed is your current relationship with your slightly more important other friend.  After your less-important friend gives you advice, look off into space through your sunglasses, which better be too big for your face.  Audiences love that!

6.  Go home and throw your purse somewhere and plop on the couch; you deserve it, you worker bee!  Relay to your mom the lessons you learned today and make sure she comments on how blessed this family is.  Pet your small, fluffy dog.

It seems like a lot, I know; I’m already tired just thinking about the going downstairs part!  But if Kim can do it, you sure can!

– Taylor Kowalski

E! News: The World IS Ending

Posted: November 6, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives, WATCH -- TV
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I have been sitting in my dorm for an hour now, and for the duration of that time I have been watching the popular “news” program E! News.  I use the term “news” incredibly loosely.  Like I’m wearing a hot air balloon as a shirt kind of loose.  Don’t think I chose this – my remote is one battery short and you can’t even open the box of one of today’s televisions without the proper remote let alone change the channel.

What I’ve concluded from this confusing hour is this: E! News is horrible.  So, so horrible.  I had another sentence here but had to delete it to point out that the E! News “anchor” just called Gisele the “MPP, Most Popular Prego” of Hollywood.  To that the other “anchor” retorted, “Hah! Great joke!”  I would actually prefer to watch two ship anchors sit at a desk.

But not even the journalism prowess of two ship anchors could improve the story of “Is Miley sick of twitter?”  (Is she? I REALLY need to know) Nor could they drag themselves to the producers fast enough to let them know that Honey Boo-Boo isn’t a news correspondent.

And what kind of news program only reports on other shows on that channel?  NBC doesn’t just cover what Nick Lachey is up to in Stars Earn Stripes, why does E! spend three hours covering whether or not the Kardashians look better in ponytails or curls?

I think I have become less intelligent while watching this program, my only comfort being found in the fact that by writing this article I’ve proven to myself that I haven’t lost the ability to read.  I can’t say the same for my spelling.  That’s what editors are for, though.

 

-Taylor Kowalski

Drinking Game: Channel Flipping

Posted: November 1, 2012 by jerkmag in WATCH -- TV
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Though I know you love your corporate/heaven and hell/80’s/toga parties, occasionally we all feel like kicking it at home, in clothes that make sense everywhere, with a group of our closest peers.  We still want to get drunk though; it is Wednesday, after all.  The solution to this is a television show based drinking game, mainly because

1) no one wants to move from where they’re sitting and 2) the TV is already on; we’re halfway there!

The conflict comes in what to watch though.  Someone yells out Game of Thrones, someone else says 30 Rock.  Another screams Jersey Shore, and you force them to leave.  But none of these shows are on right now.  Well here’s a solution to the problem: a drinking game specifically designed for when you have nothing to watch.  Based on what we all stop on when flipping the channels, this game will definitely get you wasted to the level where it’d be “awesome” to go on Chatroulette.

What You Need: “Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!” – LMFAO

The Shows:

Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Drink every time:

– Someone is mean to Bruce Jenner

– Kris Jenner says, “Kim!”

– The girls start a new business

– You spend an extra half hour on this show than you thought you would

Random movie on FX

– Drink for every person who saw the movie in theaters

If that only gets you tipsy:

– Drink for every washed up celebrity in the cast

The Runway part of Project Runway(the only part that we care about)

Drink for every:

– Wide-eyed, disappointed look that Heidi gives

– Outfit that is made of food/trash/plants

– Contestant who starts crying (Take two if they cry from doing well)

Sex and the City reruns

– If you’re watching it on HBO, drink for every boob you see

– If you’re not watching on HBO, drink where there should be a boob

– Drink for every one of the girls who is single by the end of the episode

House Hunters on HGTV

Drink for every comment made about

– A remodeled kitchen

– Counter space

– A back yard fit for the kids

And drink if you picked the wrong house

Any Infomercial

Drink whenever the host says “WOW!” (Twice if it’s preceded by “Sham-”)

The end of Cupcake Wars

Drink for every cupcake they make. Warning: This WILL kill you.

Enjoy.

– Taylor Kowalski

How NBC Can Stop Ruining My Life

Posted: October 24, 2012 by jerkmagblog in WATCH -- TV
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If one were to ask me how excited I am about the return of Community, I’d probably quote one of those odd GEICO commercials featuring the guy with the guitar and his friend. This expression of my excitement would be amusing at first, then so ridiculously annoying that you’d probably want to permanently mute me. I’d quickly become the friend that went from “super hilarious and cool” to the friend you “accidentally” un-friend on Facebook. None of this matters though, because the season’s debut has been pushed back.

NBC’s Community was slated to enter its fourth season on Friday, October 19th. In a decision that simultaneously angered me and forced thousands of tears to flow from my eyes, NBC released a statement claiming that their current lineup was so strong that they would rather focus on promoting other Friday night series. The frustrating thing about this decision is that all signs seem to be pointing to the cancellation of Community. Over the summer, NBC fired series creator Dan Harmon as show runner and last year the show was put on hiatus as well as moved to Friday nights. I understand the financial implications of airing the show as well as the problem with airing a series with a “cult following,” but NBC is really killing me here. I don’t think the executives fully understand what they’re doing to dedicated fans. I don’t think they know what they’re taking away from me.

Despite what college has taught me and my experiences thus far, each week I found myself thinking the same thing: isn’t that what college is supposed to be like? I mean, the show centers on a community college and one group of students, but considering the fact that the Dean of Students invests school funds in an annual paintball tournament, gets jazzed up in ridiculous costumes for mundane announcements, and makes hilariously subtle passes at Joel McHale’s character, I don’t understand why my college experience hasn’t been as stellar. Also, Ken Jeong plays a needy man who will do anything to join Joel McHale’s study group. How could this series not be entertaining?

If NBC wants to cancel Community, they need to just rip the I.V. from my veins and let me go. Don’t leave me in this awkward state where I’m surviving in hopes of seeing Community return in all of its glory; just take me off life support.

-Tenaysia Fox

Watch Arrested Development

Posted: October 17, 2012 by jerkmagblog in WATCH -- TV
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As any Netflix junkie knows, the prematurely cancelled Arrested Development has found new life through the site. So much so, that I bought two novelty Arrested Development t-shirts, and I am not that type of girl.

Arrested Development, however, made me that type of girl. It started slowly, only a few episodes here and there when my parents weren’t home, but soon enough we were spending every night together.  It was a summer fling that I knew had an expiration date: that being, when I watched the last episode.  When that day finally came, I calmed myself with two bags of Doritos, “Best Tobias Moments” videos, and some light weeping.

But alas!  Arrested Development is like Ryan Gosling in the Notebook; it doesn’t forget about you.  It also wrote me 365 letters from the warfront.  This time though Arrested Development decided to show its love for me by teaming up with the glorious Netflix to produce one final season, an arc of at least 10 episodes to check in on our beloved Bluths.

The reason I’m taking the time to scribe about this: too many times when I do my usual sing-song about Arrested Development it’s returned with “Oh yeah I’ve heard of that, I’ve always wanted to watch it but never had… (gazes off into horizon).” Well I’m here to say now’s your chance to hop on the bandwagon.  There’s a new season.  There’s possibly a new movie.  If you want to be in on what all the hipsters are ironically talking about while long boarding then go catch up on Arrested Development.  It made me laugh, and it made me cry… but only because I was laughing so hard.

– Taylor Kowalski

Mindy Kaling, Marry Me

Posted: October 16, 2012 by jerkmagblog in WATCH -- TV
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The Mindy Project airs on Tuesday nights after New Girl. This essentially means that I will forever avoid doing things that require me to leave my room on Tuesday nights. While some people think certain things can be neglected, my relationship with comedy will never fall into this category.

For those unfamiliar with Mindy Kaling, she’s most well known for her role on The Office as Kelly Kapoor, but what some may not know is that she started writing for the show at the tender age of 24. I’ve pretty much decided that she’s the bee’s knees and that she’s probably the funniest woman on television today, but that may be a bit presumptuous.

If you need something to watch that makes you question the personal lives of your physicians, this is your show. Sure, it’s not Grey’s Anatomy, but it’s far funnier than anyone could have imagined.

-Tenaysia Fox