Vodka: Save Some For The Eyeballs

Posted: February 8, 2013 by jerkmagblog in VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol
Tags: , , ,

So shots are brutal, we can all agree. But aren’t they significantly LESS brutal than I don’t know, shoving vodka up your cooter? The alternate means of conceiving alcohol nowadays are bizarre, disturbing, and totally unnecessary. Whatever happened to simple straw sippin’ Svedka?

vodka-eyeballingPeople have apparently gotten bored of downing drinks through their pie holes, and have thus turned to other orifices. The nose, eyes, vagina, and anus are now taking the brutal brunt of our dire need to get drunk. I wish I was kidding.

“Hard Liquor Snorting”- I might not be far off in saying that our generation has an obsession with snorting things. They enjoy the instant high and the social atmosphere that comes along with “linin ‘em up like free throws,” but as much as that’s true, there are some things that are better left un-snorted. Hard liquor should be one of them. These days, people will take small cups of hard liquor and put tiny straws into the cups, placing both straws into their nose. Then the obvious occurs, and they snort the liquor into their system, often causing teary eyes and sometimes fainting. This practice, though not nearly as disturbing the later described methods, is still enough to make me tear up at the mere thought.

“Vodka Eyeballing”- Sometimes known as vodka eye-shot, is just that. This trend, supposedly started by female bartenders in Las Vegas looking to make more tips, is where one will pour a shot’s worth of vodka into their eye, instead of downing it through the mouth. This extreme method of consumption will no doubt get you fucked up, but is said by medical professionals to be a dangerous hobby that can cause long term damage. Like, duh.  In my girl-on-girl opinion, there’s nothing sexier than a women who can open the throat n throw ‘em back, flipping her head up once the shot is taken. That’s hot. Pouring an entire shot of vodka into your eye, ruining your make-up, and tearing up uncontrollably, that’s not.

“Vodka Tampons”- This trend, started by Pop singer Ke$ha, (well, not really), is, to me, the most disturbing yet. It’s when females, or let me rephrase that rather, crazy fucking bitches, soak unused tampons in vodka, and then insert them as they would a tampon during their menstrual cycle. Once again, the alcohol enters your system much quicker and gets you drunker faster. My hope is that it gets you messed up enough to not feel how terribly that probably burns/stings. Lord, if Vodka kills my throat so badly, I can’t even imagine what it would do to my lady parts.

Butt Chugging”- As “Urban Dictionary” describes it, is “the act of ingesting alcohol through ones rectum” Basically, your frat boys and Jackass’s Johnny Knoxville wannabe’s of college campuses around the country placing funnel tubes into their rectums, while laying down, and essentially “chugging” the alcohol that way. “The idea is to increase the alcohol’s effect and the speed with which one becomes intoxicated.” And we thought chugging competitions were bad before…

Whatever happened to good ole fashioned oral consumption? Only reason I’d ever even maybe consider any of the above is to cut calories, kidding, but not really.

-Deanna Viel

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