Sexcuses, Sexcuses

Posted: December 11, 2012 by jerkmagblog in VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol
Tags: ,

For the sex with your ex that were trying to avoid…

For that one night stand that should never have happened…

For that awkward time with your hookup when you were just so not into it…

These, my friends, were probably times you could have greatly benefited from a “sexcuse.” What is a sexcuse, you ask? A sexcuse is simply an excuse not to have sex. Boom. They get you out of doing the deed by innocently fooling your partner. The problem with sexcuses? Some are better at sexcusing themselves than others, and that is where I come in. I have sexcused myself from many hookups before, leaving in my trail countless pairs of blueballs and nearly broken hearts. I attribute this success to the use clever and seemingly genuine excuses which feign realistic disappointment listed below:

  • “I’m on my period, so no can do.”

Employed millions of times over, this sexcuse can sometimes be effective when dealing with a new partner, or a rando at the bar who you are unfamiliar with. Why? Because chances are, they do not want to go in on a CSI scene and investigate whether or not you’re telling the truth. But, there are a select few who come back with “that doesn’t bother me,” which typically causes the sexcuser to have to think quickly for an alternate reason “why not.” If you’re dealing with a boyfriend or a partner you are close to, they could perhaps know you’re telling a fib, in which case they would feel angry or offended, and again, an alternate sexcuse would need to be provided.

  • “My roommate is home, or else I’d say we could…”

The above sexcuse sometimes works if you have made it very clear you are absolutely going home that night. It provides a reason that he cannot follow you, and you are able to easily fake being disappointed or angry at your roommate and “the nerve” she has to cock-block so avidly! But again, this is a sketchy one in that he can obviously invite you back to his place, and your left searching for a sexcuse to get you out of it, again!

A couple of more clever and effective sexcuses:

  • If you have been drinking that night, which I’m assuming 90% of regretted sex derives from, try and fake ‘having the spins.’ Simply tell your partner that you hadn’t eaten much all day and that you feel dizzy.  I have used this one multiple times. It’s as easy as innocently and cutely stating that you got drunk so quickly and that your head feels dizzy. They always buy it. That let’s them know you are incapable of intercourse, and if they still want to come inside when they walk you home, then points for them!
  • If your sober with a guy trying to hump you, and are unsure of how to get yourself out of it, opt for an “I’m needed elsewhere.” sexcuse. These can sometimes be hella obvious, but as long as you’re a better actress than K-Stew, you should be able to pull it off. These “my roommate needs me” sexcuses more times than not tend to go right over guys’ heads, and again, these make it easy to act disappointed or annoyed because technically you are blaming someone else. Over break, I employed this sexcuse while at a bar in my hometown, where I left my creeper in the dust after saying “my brother just tweeted that he needs a ride so I really gotta go.” Poor sucker totally bought it, and for some extra dramatic effect, I even cursed my brother on the way out!

Basically, go with whatever sexcuse seems fit at the time. For most situations, I’d try to let them down easy and at least ACT disappointed.

– Deanna Viel

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