Take a step back. You’re sitting down? Well stand up and walk behind the couch. Good. Look at what’s in front of you. Look at your choices. You were watching the Kardashians/Honey Boo Boo/Jersey Shore/Kendra/The Real Housewives of A Somewhat Glamorous City, and I know you’ve been doing it for about four hours. That’s the problem with reality television: it sucks us in and never lets go. So here’s a way to enjoy the fruits of your favorite reality programs without wasting a day in front of the TV. Here are the steps you need to follow to create and star in your own reality TV show:
1. Wake up in the morning and look like shit. By morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon because you’re the center of everyone’s world and they need to follow your rules.
2. Go downstairs and demand your freeloading mother makes you breakfast! Complain about whatever she makes.
3. When your staff (mom and dog) start talking about your career aspects (the night shift at the local grocery store), make sure to tune them out and instead text your besties on your iPhone. When they scold you for not listening, scold right back that they’re boring.
4. Yell to someone’s who’s upstairs. It doesn’t matter who, they just have to be upstairs and you have to be too lazy in your velvet sweat suit to move any closer to them.
5. Go to a café and eat a salad outside with a friend who’s not as important as you. The only topic that can be discussed is your current relationship with your slightly more important other friend. After your less-important friend gives you advice, look off into space through your sunglasses, which better be too big for your face. Audiences love that!
6. Go home and throw your purse somewhere and plop on the couch; you deserve it, you worker bee! Relay to your mom the lessons you learned today and make sure she comments on how blessed this family is. Pet your small, fluffy dog.
It seems like a lot, I know; I’m already tired just thinking about the going downstairs part! But if Kim can do it, you sure can!
– Taylor Kowalski