The Guide of Avoiding Being an “Annie”

Posted: June 13, 2012 by jerkmag in VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol, ZONE -- syracuse
Tags: , ,

Each Sunday, some of our proud, intelligent, scholarly Syracuse students are seen doing the annual walk of shame. Now don’t deny it, we’ve all done it or will do it at some point, but on the bright side, we most likely won’t see the person or remember the dude the next day. Well unless you’re “Annie.”

Annie, the typical Syracuse girl with a Northface and Longchamp bag, is a good friend of mine and until I met her, I always thought that the awkward walk of shames were terrible.

Annie has a type of hilarious luck that I can’t pin point, but whenever it happens she calls it, “God’s Comedy Show.” Now, to explain Annie’s hilarious run-ins, it’s not the casual one run-in incident your thinking of, oh no. Annie had hooked up with less than about six guys on campus the whole year, but yet, on a regular day she would run into them about two to three times and it would be worse each time.

After meeting Annie, I realized that those run-ins, though memorable, are better just avoided.  In honor of these run-ins, Annie and I have made five simple rules that will help you avoid or handle these impromptu moments of awkwardness and keeping your dignity:

RULE #1: “Just wear a paper bag over your head.”- If wearing a paper bag over your head, cut holes so you don’t look too weird, then if about to hookup, the hookup will never see your face and you’re in luck.

RULE #2: “Be as casual as possible”: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT point, laugh, run, scream, “OH SHIT,” when you are around the hookup’s presence.

RULE #3: “Act as though they don’t exist”: Example A: HOOKUP: “Oh hey Annie, remember me? We fucked.”  Annie: “Who are you? I don’t know, you’re invisible.”

RULE #4: “The earlier the better”: The second it hits dawn, get your ass out of that house so you both can forget what you guys looked like. This is where that old saying, “don’t look down” comes in handy.

RULE #5: “Have a sense of humor about it, cause let’s be honest it’s funny…but sad.” Laugh about it in your head, this is college. To help this process, simply and softly just say to yourself, “YOLO!”

-Lakota Gambill

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