When Friends Should Just Pay For The Ice Cream…

Posted: April 4, 2012 by jerkmagblog in VAULT -- archives

Everyone has gone to a friend before, mascara running, hair a mess, hysterical over some guy. But let’s face it…we don’t all have Einstein’s for friends and they can shell out some stupid advice in your time of need. I would like to put out the disclaimer that I know they’re just trying to help. But nevertheless, here are my top five favorite go-to responses when a friend fails in trying to help you through the relationship blues….

1. “Life’s too short to waste your time crying over a boy“: Ok friends, now while I see a lot of value in this point, I think you should save it until I’m done crying. Because, not only do I feel sad about whatever I’m crying over, now I also feel like a dumb ass for being upset at all. So, you see,  you just doubled my misery. Pathetic and pathetic. Next…

2. “He must be ignoring you if he’s not answering your texts“: Worst. Advice. Ever. Just because a guy isn’t texting you back, that doesn’t mean he’s ignoring you. He could be doing homework, or hanging out with his buddies, or volunteering at a homeless shelter! (probably not) But you get my point. We get way too caught up in this texting culture, and it’s not the mark of a failed relationship if someone can ignore your texts. Now when they start to ignore you in person, I’d see reason to worry…

3. “You can do better” or “He’s not good enough for you”: Really? ‘Cause in the wise words of Tai from Clueless all I’m going to think is “If I’m too good for him, then how come I’m not with him?” This doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me feel confused and disappointed that I can’t even bag a “5” when you’re telling me I’m a “10.” Try again, BFF!

4. “If it’s before 10:30pm, it’s not a booty call”: When you’re at that stage where you’re worried about texting, we know timing can be a big indicator. Do they reply right away, is there a smiley face, an ellipses…But one thing is for certain, no matter what time of day, it can always be a booty call. Don’t let any friend tell you that the booty call comes in one shape or size. If it’s all they wants, it will know no boundary of time.

5. “He’s just a guy…”: I have saved the absolute best worst advice for last. Men, despite our constant assertions, are NOT another species. Maybe I’m being more sympathetic then some scorned women might like (and trust I’ve been burned in my day) but I can still respect that men are human. News Flash: Sometimes guys think we suck, too. And sometimes we do. So before you tell me he’s just a “stupid boy” remember that you sound like a “stupid girl” playing the blame game.

If you have a history with someone deeper then him sneaking out at 2 a.m. on Saturday morning, than any of this advice is just infuriating. And if anyone of your friends can solve your problem with the responses listed above, or things like them, then you’re probably not in a relationship you need advice on. Grab a hot fudge sundae and move on.

-Victoria White


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