5 Types of Guys You’ll Meet Online

Posted: April 2, 2012 by jerkmagblog in VAULT -- archives


Mr. Bare Minimum
“hey how r u?”

Either he’s not quite sure if he’s into you, he’s into simplicity or he doesn’t want to over exert himself because he’s got a lot of women to message tonight.

Why it Doesn’t Work:
If you’re too lazy to even identify something on my profile that we might have in common, then you’re probably not going to provide stimulating company; and really, how many responses can you come up with for such a generic greeting? I’m fine thanks, now onto the next one.

Mr. Creepy Complimenter

“Heyyy sexy, I couldn’t help but notice how luscious ur lips look! Really, u have sum beautiful eyes! If only I could take u out on a date… WOWWW… so hot!”

Flattery is the way to a woman’s heart, right? Especially in online dating where most people seem to be looking for an ego boost more than a romantic partner.  Most of these guys seem to be dropping the same half-baked lines in multiple inboxes in the hopes of getting lucky.

Why It Doesn’t Work:
This conversation starter will only work for narcissists and is better executed in person. Most girls online are used to hearing this kind of thing from creepy guys on the Internet, so unless you can come up with something original, don’t bother.

Mr. Over Analyzer

“Hey, I hope you won’t mind me saying this but I noticed that you like Stephen King novels. I sense that you’re the kind of girl that is shy but doesn’t like to let it show. Maybe you’re hiding some inner pain, or maybe you just need a chance to get out of your shell. Why else would a beauty like you be on a site like this? I’ve been through this before and I really think that we could connect on an intimate level. I would love to help you blossom as a woman and we could feed off of our mutual interests. I’ve got a few dates in mind that I think you’d like; they’re even playing a showing of your favorite movie near my house! How does this sound to you?”

This technique is most often used by poets and deep-thinker types who know that their looks aren’t their strong suit. They’re hoping to touch on a deep personal truth of yours and in one message convince you that you are, in fact, soul mates.

Why it Doesn’t Work:
Not only does it come on way too strong, it’s often a little offensive because bitch, you don’t know me like that! It makes you wonder why someone spent that much time analyzing your profile rather than actually getting to know you, which has the makings of an emotional wreck of a relationship.

Mr. Genuine

“Hey, I know that a lot of guys on here must be sending you all kinds of inappropriate messages but I just wanted you to know that I’m not like that. I’m looking for a real relationship and someone to give my heart to. I’ve been burned before but I’m ready for love again and I’d really like to get to know you to see if you could be that special girl.”

I’m a genuine good guy. You know, the kind that I hear that all girls are looking for in the chick flicks and stuff.

Why it Doesn’t Work:
First of all, you sound like you’re just transcribing the lyrics of a Boys II Men song, second of all, why would you assume that I’m even looking to be “that special girl”? Maybe I’m not looking for love and just want to see what’s out there? This over sensitive approach puts women off just as much as the men that are trolling for sex.

How to Compose a Message that Might Actually Get a Response:

1) Introduce yourself.
This is important because most girls get a quite a few messages and there’s nothing more frustrating than only knowing someone by their screen name. If you can get her to learn your name then you’re off to a good start.

2) Mention one or two things that you noticed about her profile.
This will show that you actually read her profile and that you might be interested in her as a person, not just her as an available female body.

3) Ask her a question about herself.

This will help get conversation going and if it’s specific to something she likes then she’ll probably be more receptive to your message. 

Hey, I’m Jordan. I thought I’d message you since I think it’s really cool that you are into stand-up comedy. I love Bo Burnham and Sarah Silverman but I can’t stand Kathy Griffin! Do you have any favorite comics? Have you seen any good ones lately? Hope to hear from you soon!

-Kitty Pedding


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