Good Luck Lil’ Snooki!

Posted: March 17, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives

The question of the hour: will we treat the birth of lil’ Snooki in the same fashion that we anticipated and obsessed over the birth of Babyonce? As an ardent hater of all things Jersey Shore (seriously, join my boycott), I hope that we do not give Snooki the satisfaction of such attention. As for the baby she is carrying (why? God why?), I can only offer the following advice.

First, write a book. Not right away obviously, but you, little baby, are going to have the makings of a best seller in your very first minutes of life. Think Running with Scissors with a reality show twist. Hone in on your writing skills, lil’ Snooki so that you can at the least be respected as a talented memoirist with a colorful path.

Second, be careful about contracts. Chances are that soon after your arrival in this world. A pen will be thrust into your hands, and you will be asked to sign your life away. Don’t do it.

Finally, for lack of better guidance, I wish you good luck. I do not even watch the show, but I know your mother has a couple of gears missing, if you know what I mean. While I do not doubt you will have fun toddling around on camera with an array of aunt and uncle guidos, I hope you are able to retain some sort of wisdom in your everyday life.

As I watch on the sidelines as the drama continues to unfold, I hope, for the sake of everyone, that this is merely a PR stunt crafted by the attention-seeking Nicole Snooki Pollizo. If not, then MTV is already set for a Teen Mom and Jersey Shore crossover that is sure to garner a poorly cultured (sorry friends) viewing audience.

-Charlotte Lipman


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