Spring Break-Ups: A Lesson in Realism

Posted: March 13, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives, VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol

Due to a significant lack of parental supervision as a child, my first images of what college Spring Break would be like were shaped by MTV. So now when I think of Spring Break, I imagine a week full of hot guys and girls fornicating on a beach in bathing suits made out of whipped cream while Jerry Springer and Kid Rock linger awkwardly in the background. It’s the kind of drunken revelry and hedonism that made Joe Francis famous – when in reality it has proved to be a lot less sexy.

By the time Spring Break rolls around, most college kids are struggling keep their shit together with a level of desperation akin to getting diarrhea in public. We’re all trying to find the answer to the question, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” before spring application season is over and we’re stuck working at Subway for the fourth consecutive summer. Not to mention the fact that by Spring Break we’ve already blown whatever money we had saved up on plane tickets home for Christmas and Valentine’s Day dinner for that special someone who broke up with us a week later.

If a hook-up does happen, it’s rarely some sexy fling with an Australian hottie on a plane flight to Cancun. Despite what every Mary Kate & Ashley movie may have taught me over the years, cute foreign boys aren’t waiting around every corner to fall head over heels in love with me in the space of a week. But if this Facebook break-up graph is to be believed, many of us go into Spring Break with the sort of high hopes and naïve pipe dreams of our pubescent 8th grade selves who await the sexual splendors that were promised to us in the days of yore.

I’ve only attempted to Spring Break hook-up one time whilst highly intoxicated in California. Not only did I throw up immediately after, but also I spent most of the night asking the guy to add me on Facebook “just in case I got pregnant.” The next day I was so hung over that I couldn’t even bear the thought of going on the tea-cup ride at Disneyland, lest I end up vomiting on Minnie Mouse and thereby soil several precious childhood memories. Yeah, I’d like to see the Olsen twins make that movie. Bitches ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Happy Spring Break-Ups Everyone!

-Kitty Peddling


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