A Guide to Spring Break Hook-Ups

Posted: March 12, 2012 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives, VICES -- sex, drugs & alcohol

I’m not here to set fire to your wet dreams and tell you it’s impossible, but if you’re going to attempt the Spring Break Hook-Up, you have to go in with a game plan. You have seven days to make it happen, so you better dedicate at least 5 of those days to Pussy and/or Penis Patrol. There are really only four types of Spring Break hook-ups that exist outside of the relationship sphere.

1) The Cross-Campus Connection

Your friends at other schools are not yet on Spring Break. This means that they will still be having parties and can introduce you to several of their equally desperate friends. This is a good option because you’ll both feel more secure knowing you at least have one mutual friend, and you won’t have to worry about awkward run-ins on campus later.

2) The High School Hook-Up

If you’re going home from break, you could always go for that one kid from high school who manage to get a lot cuter in college once the acne and social stigmatization wore off. You’ll already have a few built in conversation topics and if you get really into it, the person could become your next hometown honey and you won’t have this same problem again during the summertime.

3) Bar Crawl Booty Call

When all else fails, you could try the traditional means of going out to random bars and clubs every night to see if you get lucky. The problem with this plan is that the key word is ‘lucky’. Depending on where you’re located, your town might only have three bars in it and you’ll be left scanning the room for any sign of intelligent life out there. If there are a few spots to pick from, you’ll still have the added trouble of trying to chat someone up and success rates will vary. Remember, Real Life isn’t Jersey Shore. Go in with realistic expectations.

4) Text the Ex

This is, and should, be used only in case of an emergency. Sex with the Ex never comes without consequences, and should only be attempted in times of severe sexual drought. It may seem like the easiest solution to this problem but it could open up a Pandora’s Box of emotional issues that you don’t want to spend the rest of your break dealing with.

Anything outside of these traditional means of trolling for sex is the stuff of legends. Either that, or it’s potentially illegal (just say no to Craigslist, folks). Happy Humping and don’t forget to wrap it if you’re gonna tap it!

-Kitty Pedding


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