‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ — A Lesson In Being Shallow

Posted: December 3, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
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I’ve caught myself lately tuning into “Millionaire Matchmaker,” a show on Bravo that does exactly what the title suggests. Mere mortals like myself, who have a lot less than a million dollars to their name, are given the opportunity to be hooked up with millionaires, who for some reason couldn’t find love for themselves. But I guess when you happen to be CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation, anything more than a one night stand isn’t exactly something you have at the top of your wish list.

As much as I make the show my guilty pleasure, I’m no idiot. I know that the concept is disgustingly shallow. There is no way a person would sign themselves up to be a potential boyfriend or girlfriend to these millionaires if all of they had to rely on was their looks. Why? Because while half of them are actually atrocious, most have dry personalities and some are complete train wrecks. And speaking of train wrecks, meet Robin. (Scroll to :40)

The problem Robin faces is a problem many of us, both men and women face everyday. (Well, those of us that admit to sometimes being shallow.) See, the “plumber” that Robin won’t shut up about was actually a sexy decoy. He was put in the cocktail party to prove the point that sometimes, regardless of how obviously wrong a person is for you, if they happen to look similar to Brangelina, nothing else matters; you’re blindsided.

No one can really deny that the man in comparison to the others was not just the best of a bad situation, but actually sort of good looking. (The show is just shallow all around because he was totally only there for her money.) But he stood out, and come to find out, he was a goddamn plumber, talked about unclogging toilets and admitted to being a douchebag to women. I’m not trying to say that the world doesn’t need plumbers, but for a girl who is obsessed with pink and all things fabulous, there is no way in hell she would go for a plumber had he not looked like the one in the show. BUT because he was beautiful, all of a sudden little miss millionaire is infatuated with plumbers, toilets and assholes. That shit cray.
My advice is just to be smart about who you get yourself involved with. I don’t need to be the trillionth person to tell you that looks fade. Sure it’s nice to have a super sexy boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you have no connection aside from penis entering vagina, it won’t last. You want someone who is also your friend. Personally, if a guy can’t make me laugh, it’s over before it even begins. I can be as immature as I can be mature, and I like a guy who can do the same. He doesn’t need to be a millionaire, he doesn’t need to drive a Maserati, he doesn’t have to look like a chiseled Greek god and if he happens to be a plumber, whatthefuckever. Be my friend. Make me laugh. Some quality “night time” skill wouldn’t hurt either.
-Julia Funio

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