Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Call It Quits. (Shocker!)

Posted: November 1, 2011 by jerkmag in POP - pop culture

After spending the equivalent of several hundred tuitions at Harvard on their wedding, and after all of 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies have decided to call it quits for reasons currently unknown to the public. But let’s face it, their marriage was doomed from the get-go. I’m totally about to be “that bitch,” but come on, it’s not like I’m the only one who saw this coming.

I think it’s safe to assume that after you find yourself running out of fingers to count the number of professional athletes you’ve said “I love you” to and/or slept with, that you should take it for what it is, drive yourself to a pet store, pick out a kitten and grow old together.

Kim is getting older. She might be beautiful, but how many guys can you possibly say the L-word to or sleep with before finding the right one? You’ll never know if you think that every single guy you’re with is the one you’re “destined to be with,” which is why my number is as low as it is. Maybe Kim should come to me for some advice? I could totally change her life. (Kidding.)

I first decided this marriage wasn’t going to work out for the pair that claimed they were in love after two months…when they claimed they were in love after two months. Not to mention, did anyone else notice that when Kris proposed, Kim didn’t respond with a word until he showed her the multi-million dollar ring? If you’re actually in love with a person, all they have to say is “Will you marry me?” and without hesitation or looking down to make sure you got a diamond worth more than your life, you should say “YES!”

Kris might be a bit of an asshole with his humor, but Kim is way too high maintenance. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are, or how rich you are–if you’re high maintenance, good luck finding a husband that will last you longer than a year. Be humble kids.

So as far as I’m concerned, congratulations Kris Humphries! You’ve dodged a bullet. And Kim, better luck next time? I’ll give it three weeks before she finds herself with a football player.

-Julia Fuino

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