Bacon Flavored Toothpaste. And We Wonder Why We’re Fat…

Posted: September 26, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
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If you’re sitting in your sister’s basement, playing Xbox, find yourself fearful of sunlight, and wonder why the girls have stopped coming around–this toothpaste, along with everything I’ve aforementioned, is probably why. Unfortunately, this toothpaste actually exists. I mean, it could be a good excuse if someone tells you that your breath smells bad. All you have to say is that the fault rests with your toothpaste.

But if you plan on having friends, or anyone really, within 10 feet of you — for god’s sake please don’t think this is an acceptable idea. If you decide to be the asshole that buys it, it’s available at for $4.50 a tube. Personally, I think it would make a really good prank. (Squeeze out the person’s regular minty toothpaste, and pour in the bacon flavored one.)

Know someone whose trying to lose weight? Are you trying to lose weight? It could also be beneficial to our obese friends who can’t seem to lay off the bacon. Try brushing your teeth with bacon flavored toothpaste. That way, you’re cutting your calories and still getting your nasty fix, ya sicko. Or you could just try that new lipstick that helps you lose weight — the glue stick. (Please, don’t actually take these suggestions.)

If you do purchase it, please do not eat the toothpaste, fry the toothpaste, or use it as a condiment. In fact, don’t use it period, unless you like the idea of being a 60-year-old virgin whose only friend is your cat. The toothpaste comes in a variety of flavors, including pickle, bacon, and cupcake. #wannaknowwhyyourefat?

-Julia Fuino

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