What a Grand Ol’ Party.

Posted: September 17, 2011 by jerkmag in RANT -- politics
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For my first post here concerning politics, I guess it would be pertinent to give you a little bit of a story about my family’s political background, which is best summed up in one brilliant misadventure I endured that truly embodies everything the Grand Old Party is about. I was on a family trip once with my aunt, uncle, cousin, grandmother and my uncle’s brother and his family.

As you might imagine, this wasn’t one of those ‘drink yourself into a coma’ vacations, mostly thanks to my fake ID getting taken away. Thanks, Mom. But I digress. You remember way back–now this is a stretch–think back to when we believed in change and believed so strongly in that ‘Yes we can!’ motto. Back when Sarah Palin was a laughing stock and not a role model for reality TV parenting. Yeah, that time.

Remember it? There, hold it. This was back then. Bush was still president, Obama had yet to prove his legitimate birth and be labeled the next Karl Marx. Anyway, I picked up one of the magazines at their townhouse, opened past the slew of Goldline and AARP adds to find an article praising the ‘liberation’ of Iraq.

I laughed, tossed it down and went on my way. Except my little cousin Kendra, who was somewhere in the age range of nine to 12, asked me why I thought it was funny on my way out. I told her because it was a complete joke. She then asked me whom I wanted to win the election. I foolishly said Obama. (You ever have one of those moments when you think something will come back to bite you? Yeah, that was one of those moments.)

Later that night, we’re in a truck. I use the term ‘truck’ loosely to describe this monstrosity that was probably in the same weight class as an armored Humvee. To put some perspective on this, every one of my family members not only fit in this thing, but fit comfortably with room to spare. I’m sure somewhere out there an American Indian–yes, that’s an acceptable term–is taking the song “Cry Me a River” very seriously.

Because Humvees are for Socialists.

While I’m in this APC, surrounded by Neo-Conservatives who were part of the 26 percent positive Bush approval rating, my little cousin turns to me, as if coming out of deep thought and looks at me with dead seriousness. She then utters this phrase: “So does that mean you want Iraq to win?” It was in that moment I saw the true face of the GOP voter.

I could imagine voter after voter entering the voting booth with such single-minded devotion to gun rights, pro-life, anti-separation of church and state zealots coming from that voting booth and asking me the same question. The extra kick to the nethers was delivered by my aunt, whose response to this was, “Yeah Alex, do ya?” (Have you ever been asked something so mind-numbingly stupid, you feel you’ll forever be tainted by its memory?)

Something like that.

That’s what I think of each time I see rally after rally against government intervention in people’s lives, followed swiftly by an ad for a pro-life candidate on Fox news. Just thought I’d lay out my position first and give everyone a chance to see what embittered commentary will follow this. Enjoy!

-Alex Perez

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