Kronum

Posted: April 19, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

One night not too long ago, soccer, lacrosse, rugby, and basketball all lubed up, hopped in bed, and banged.  Condom? What condom?

Their bastard child popped out all over the Internet this week. It’s called Kronum, and God/Buddha/Chuck Norris save us. We’re not ready for it.

The sport features some simple ground rules with some cool twists, like a round playing field. Ten players per team are required making it easy enough. You score points by shooting and throwing the ball from different zones on the field into a soccerish-looking goal.  The further out your zone is, the more points you get.

But then you go further down the rabbit hole. You start to wonder if the sport is real, or if you’re high as hell. Which makes sense; Kronum must’ve been conceptualized between bong hits during a conversation that must’ve sounded just like this:

“Hey man, like, what if, and I’m just throwing this out there…. what if we put some Quidditch goals on top of the soccer goals?”

“Dude, you just blew my mind. Of course our sport needs Quidditch goals.”

So fuck it, the bastards put Quidditch rings right on top of the soccer goals. And, if you kick a ball from the outermost zone into one of them—they call it a “crown, but you’re not fooling anyone–you score a “Kronum.” It gets you eight points and a brain tumor.

In other news, SUNY-ESF has just adopted Kronum as their official sport.

Check the instructional video out for yourself and let me know what you think.

-Nick Toney

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Comments
  1. Tori Ipacs says:

    ESF really isnt adopting this right…its too awesome

  2. awawayTrob says:

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