It’s my f-ing birthday, beotches!

Posted: April 19, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , ,

You’re right, it’s not just a celebration of your birth, it’s a freaking holiday! Whether your birthday is today or a year from yesterday, the planning for your big day must begin NOW! Every second you waste could have been a second utilized to book the party stripper or exotic feline.

There are two ways to approach planning a birthday celebration. Option one involves you taking the reins and ensuring that your birthday will never, ever be forgotten. Option two is trusting a friend with the responsibility of making sure your day goes down in history.

While both options have equal potential, there is something to be said for planning your own shindig. With thoughts of narcissism out of mind, you guarantee that everything is just the way you want it when you make all the important decisions. You get the extra-decadent cake you want, you get the cocktails you want, you get the friends you want to attend. These are just some of the pros of planning your party.

If you decide to defer responsibility to a friend, make sure they’re a good friend. The classmate you met in Writing 205 last week is probably not the finest choice. You want someone who knows you inside and out and who will plan things that never would have crossed your mind. Everybody has this friend, it’s just a question of whether they’re willing to step up to the plate. A healthy bribe is always a good way to get someone moving.

Now that the party planner has been chosen, it’s time to ensure that a few birthday necessities are picked up. A great college birthday would not be complete without:

 The birthday crown: the students of Syracuse University need to understand that it’s your birthday. Wear your special, “Happy Birthday” crown throughout the day and snag as many well wishes as you can.

The birthday cup: you should drink out of nothing less than a golden goblet on your big day. A “Birthday bitch” or “It’s my f-ing birthday” glass will suffice. Tot this cup around in order to establish full birthday rights. Note to guests: these glasses make for great birthday gifts…wink, wink.

 The shocker: every birthday boy or girl needs one unique item that will help them to remember their special day for years to come. Whether it’s a designer watch or visit from a friend back home, it’s always fun to surprise someone on his or her birthday. Even a unique gift will do the job. For instance, I received a “personal party banner” that says “Hot Mess” in hot pink glitter and was worn around my neck as an adornment. It’s something I never expected, but it was a great addition to the photos from that night!

Whether you’re celebrating your 21 or 92, there’s no reason not to turn your birthday into a full out event. Celebrate your days of life with friends and/or family who ensure that you are treated right on this momentous occasion. So put on your party tiara, birthday sash and grab a balloon. The next time this event is coming around is in twelve months, so throw your inhibitions to the wind and celebrate like it’s your last!

– Jon Gregalis

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