What’s my alcohol doing in there?

Posted: April 13, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , ,

For all of you anonymous alcoholics out there, not willing to attend group meetings yet, your day is about to get a whole lot better. Wine in a can. Alcoholic toothpaste. Vodka infused whip cream. And thatʼs only the start.

The past few years have brought on a wave of new alcoholic products, but not in a conventional form. Gone are the days of red wine in a glass bottle. Be on the lookout next time you go in your fridge to grab a can of soda, you may just be grabbing a can of wine by mistake. For around the same price as your Starbuckʼs latte, Barokes sells these peculiar servings of wine. While at a barbecue this summer, forget cans of soda and beer, keep it classy with a little red or white wine.

“(701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.” This Text From Last Night seems to indicate that this individual had a fun run in with this newfound alcoholic favorite. The product became extremely popular this past year, as many realized that alcohol could now penetrate their hot coco in the morning and mint chocolate chip ice cream in the evening. The unusual fusion of whipped cream and vodka will surprise you, so take those shots of whipped cream to the mouth carefully. Otherwise your texts will also end up on alongside this one.

While we once chuckled and admired Ke$ha for singing about brushing her “teeth with a bottle of Jack,” the fantasy is no longer. Itʼs a reality. Move over Colgate and Oral-B, FINDʼ Mixology menu now features a tube of alcoholic toothpaste. You wonʼt want to rinse your mouth of this distasteful paste though, it features shots of blue curacao in every tube.

After clearing your mouth of morning breath with your alcoholic toothpaste, you can head to breakfast and slather on a layer of Vodka Strawberry Jam on your morning toast. One jar of this fruity condiment could have you spinning, as each jar contains a few shots. No need for Smuckers or butter anymore, your toast wants one thing and one thing only. It wants some drunken jam.

Next time you go to reach for something that seems innocuous, be cautious, you may be just be grabbing the latest alcoholic infused product on the market! And for all of you who enjoy a little sip the dancing juice on a regular occasion, watch out, these variety of alcoholic products may land you at the next AA meeting.

– Jon Gregalis

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Comments
  1. bentleybooks says:

    This makes me weary,but at least I don’t think, Aw no fair, I didn’t get to try that one before I got sober. Juat so the readers know that AA is for people who want it, not people who need it.

  2. When they come up with alcoholic edible condoms, that’s when you’ll know the end is near.

    -Carlos de la Gringa, http://talesofextraordinarysanity.wordpress.com/

  3. writerdood says:

    And here I thought the salmon flavored vodka was strange. How come I never see this shit at the liqueur store? I’d give that whipped cream a try.

  4. Deeone says:

    Can of wine, Alcohol toothpaste, whipped cream, and Jam; Oh My!! Where do I sign up for a shot of Patron mouthwash?!! Or, how about a Coconut Rum Coke Cola… Now, there’s an idea! 🙂

  5. A friend of mine tricked me into tasting the vodka whipped cream once. It’s actually a lot stronger than I expected, but would make for some intoxicating foreplay! 😉

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