Remember how big a deal kickball was to everyone in 5th grade?

Posted: April 9, 2011 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

It still is to this captain of an Atlanta-area rec team. This guy isn’t dicking around; he takes his kickball seriously.  So when his team gets bounced 20-0 in a league meant for fun, his teammates came home to an inbox full of hate e-mail. It’s comedic gold:

From: [redacted]

Date: Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 11:31 PM

Subject: Our game tonight

To: [redacted]

Let me ask a real simple question… What was that? Seriously, did you guys just think you could show up and win? That was pathetic. Again, pathetic. I know we kid around a lot and try to have fun and a good time, but what is the point if you guys aren’t even going to try? I can count several instances, and not to name names but I think I will this time just to get my point across…

The football team captain didn’t mind calling me out either when we were paired up in gym for the badminton unit and I didn’t try. C’mon man, it was badminton, also known as tennis with tinier rackets. But I digress…

The guy continues to call out teammates for “showing off,” “not running out their kicks,” and having “the lowest on-base percentage on the team” This means he’s sitting at home with a calculator finding this shit out, possibly to put on the back of tiny sports trading cards for the team, but I can only speculate. Unsurprisingly, he tries to finish on a good note, but he just can’t help himself:

Thank you to the people who did try tonight:

Mainly [redacted], myself, [redacted], and [redacted]. and [redacted].

The rest of you better think about what I’m talking about unless you don’t care in which case we don’t want you coming out anyway.

FUCKING JOKE

Pop a Xanax and not a blood vessel, dude. You’ll get your shot at the pros one day. Oh wait. It’s kickball.

-Nick Toney

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