How to Deal with Boring, Boring Baseball

Posted: October 22, 2010 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
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I am not a baseball fan, for only one reason. The games are way too damn long. I can sit through football, hockey, basketball and even soccer games, some of which are almost as long. I like the game of baseball, I like being at a real-live baseball game, and I like the beautiful players on baseball teams, but I can’t give up approximately 5 hours of my time (MLB reports a mere 2:45 minutes for a game…NOT) at once to watch a baseball game. America’s pastime has become my nap time.

Thus, I have come up with an array of solutions to be adopted by the MLB to make my viewing more enjoyable.

  • Literally cut the game in half. What is the real significance behind NINE whole innings? Five would be totally sufficient.
  • Switch up the commercials. I don’t know how many times I see the exact same commercials played in the exact same order during the breaks. Real games are fun during commercial breaks! There’s always something going on.
  • The 7th innning stretch. Erase it. Disband is. Just cut out anything that will force me to watch the repetitive ‘pitch, swing, miss’ or the occasional ‘pitch, swing, hit’ for longer.
  • Get rid of superfluous routines. Some of these players are just ridiculous. Stepping out of the box after every pitch and adjusting your gloves might help you hit the ball, but it will not help me stay awake. Take a tip from Nike and just do it already.

I can’t guarantee that if the MLB adopts these rules I’ll be more likely to watch the regular season games but I will be more likely to stay awake during the playoffs.

~Meghin Delaney

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