John Mayer vs. Rob Pattinson: the Douche-Off

Posted: February 15, 2010 by KatiePunkin in SAGE -- editor's picks
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Which ass is the WORLD'S BIGGEST DOUCHE?

This week, John Mayer and Rob Pattinson both gave interviews, to Playboy and Details respectively. After reading both of the articles and following the responses to them, I am left wondering which pasty un-sexy asswipe is the biggest DOUCHE. So welcome to the Jerk Blog’s first Douche-off.

The Contestants:
John Mayer – Slammin’ guitarist known as the next Eric Clapton and for being a giant turd.

Rob Pattinson – Actor yet to reach his potential (we’re hoping Remember Me won’t be too bad), though he’s downgraded from hot Cedric in Harry Potter to creepy, effeminate Edward in Twilight.

Forum: Magazine Interviews, of which I’ve dissected and assembled to create a debate between Mayer and R-Patz:

John Mayer: I really said, “I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson.”… That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me…Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. (+4 douche points, you really are the worst ex-boyfriend ever).

R Patz: The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. (+5 douche points, self-explanatory)

crack cocaine, this is

John Mayer: Because I want to show her I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed.” (+5 douche points, um, what?)

Rpatz: If you look at porn in, like, the eighties, there was something kind of quaint about it, quite sweet—like this little naked community. The people who made it liked it, they had respect for it. Not remotely like the porn that’s available now. No community in it at all. It’s just everything, everywhere. (+ 1 douche point, he’s just repeating the point of Boogie Nights)

John Mayer: There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed… I have unbelievable orgasms alone. They’re always the best. They always end the way I want them to end. (+ 2 douche points, the Internet is a powerful addiction)

Boogie Nights, R-Patz's inspiration

RPatz: I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. (+3 douche points, So does this mean he’s gay?)

John Mayer: I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. (+2 douche points, Perez Hilton is an attention whore bitch who got what was coming to him)

Rpatz: So now I’m relinquishing a bit. I’ll be a tiny bit naked. Except tonight I won’t, because it’s fucking freezing and my balls will shrivel up. (+3douche points, who says this to an interviewer?)

John Mayer: My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. (+5 douche points, it’s ok if you prefer lighter skinned women, but really, do all your condoms sport white hoods now?)

RPatz: “They’re bulldozing houses, whole streets of houses. And my dad asked him, ‘Why stay?’ He said, ‘Who’s going to look after our mom?’ And I was just thinking, Jesus fucking Christ, there might be something wrong with my emotional sight, because I’m not sure if I could make that kind of sacrifice. (+4 douche points, trying way too hard to say ‘I’m sad because I lack empathy’)

John Mayer: I’m half Jewish. People say, “Well, which side of your family is Jewish?” I say, “My dad’s.” And they always say it doesn’t count. But I will say I keep my pool at 92 degrees, so you do the math. I find myself relating to Judaism. One of my best friends is Jewish beyond all Jews. (+5 douche points, what kind of math equates keeping your pool at 92 degrees with Judaism?)

Rob has watched too many movies

Rpatz: The elephant guy told me their molars get ground down from eating wood but regenerate like six times. And after that they slowly starve to death. Which is poignant, but that must also be what gives them time to get to the elephant graveyard. They’re incredibly designed creatures. I mean, people hang on way too fucking long. If I knew that when my teeth fell out, that was it . . . Wow. The best day of my life. Beautiful, beautiful day. (+5 douche points, you’re trying way too hard to be deep here Rob and you got this one from The Lion King)

John Mayer: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s. (+3douche points, Mayer is transcending racist America here, that’s what this means)

RPatz: I eat so much, I’m like a compulsive eater. I’ve been eating room service, and I’m always really worried about it, so I choose like six things on the menu and eat them all. (+2 douche points, you must have tapeworm).

Winner: John Mayer with 26 points

Vodpod videos no longer available.

–Kate, Executive Web Editor

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