Dating: It’s Complicated or Some People are Just Dumb

Posted: February 11, 2010 by jamesonfleming44 in VAULT -- archives

Each week, College Humor has a variety of posts ranging from why parents and technology should never, ever mix, why your job could always be worse, and my favorite: how people manage to commit epic fails with their significant other.

Sometimes these stories of dating disaster are realistic, some are clearly made up, others are funny, and others clearly suggest that the person who screwed up can also be found on this site. Some stories just need to be made fun of and psychoanalyzed. Read the follow excerpts:
dating its complicaited

Story No. 1: Seriously? You declared your love for veal by screaming “MHMMM Baby Cow?” There’s so many things wrong with this. First, you need to do your homework. When figuring out where you’re going to take the girl, you ask about food quirks. Is she vegetarian? Is she allergic to nuts (not those nuts, get your mind out of the gutter)? Does she have a traumatic experience related to apples that makes that romantic trip to an orchard a disaster waiting to happen?

During that questioning process, you should learn she’s a vegetarian. If you don’t discover this, we move onto issue two. Don’t order perhaps the most disgusting meat-dish in terms of cruelty of animals. Do you know how they make veal? It ain’t pretty and it’s certainly worse than the other meats you can order.

Finally, the date shouldn’t end with you two not talking the rest of the night. At the moment of your idiocy, call it a night, buy her a bottle of wine, get her a cab, and wallow in your shame.

Story No. 2: The Facebook Relationship status has become technology’s version of the CEO Trophy Wife. It’s out there to let the world know you’re getting some and I’m not. It’s bad enough that your profile picture of you is with this girl at that jungle-themed frat party wearing nothing but a few loin clothes; now I get reassurance that you are in fact making your bed creak on a nightly basis.

Forcing your girlfriend to change her relationship status is simply done to make the single guys of the world jealous. If you aren’t insecure about your chances of hanging onto this girl, you should welcome guys trying to hit on her. You’ve got her, they don’t. Relish in this fact.

Breaking up with her a week later makes two things pretty obvious: either a) y’all had way bigger problems in your relationship than a freaking Facebook relationship status or b) she didn’t like you and figured out how to passively dump you.

If you want me to ridicule your or your friends’ dating practices, leave a comment and I might get back to you.

Check out College Humor for the rest of Dating: It’s Complicated.

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