I Had A Dream: Pumpkin Seed Spitting

Posted: November 30, 2009 by Sean Sweeney in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
pumpkin seed spitting

Ah yes, to be this man...

When I was younger, I was a great champion. I’m talking like 10-time champion of one of the world’s most amazing spectacles. In my hey day of being one of the greatest pumpkin seed spitters of all-time, I was followed and mobbed wherever I went. Everyone wanted a piece…you don’t understand how many seeds were shoved into my mouth with people yelling at me to “shoot it a mile!”

I was a modern-day Elvis or Buddha.

I was once interviewed on CNN under the description: “the country’s most powerful athlete” because I could spit a pumpkin seed close to a mile. How did I get so incredible? I used to only eat spinach, chicken and beans. Every day, I walked the Mississippi River and ripped ancient Oak trees right out of the ground from their roots. I also fought bears.

“You are not human!” They all used to say. “Teach my son!”

I was marveled at, worshipped and given anything I ever wanted. My largest muscles were the ones outlining my jaws and I was proven to have a stronger bite than a Great White Shark. I was like one of those half-man, half-horse creatures. People couldn’t believe I was full human. To be as good as I was at such a popular sport, they figured I had been tampered with. The integrity of pumpkin-spitting couldn’t be messed with.

Eventually, they had to throw me out of the sport. I was just too much: my final competition, I had paralyzed someone through the force of one of my spitted seeds. My strength had become a liability. The sport hasn’t been the same since.

But, I just made all of that up. Whatever. That was my dream.

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