Let the Smurfing Begin

Posted: April 24, 2009 by Kyle Adams in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , , ,

smurf attack

This, from The Argus of Brighton, is the kind of lede I live for: “A party-goer has been jailed for an attack which he carried out while dressed as a Smurf.”

The article reports that 20-year-old Luke Batchelor was out partying with a friend, who was dressed as Superman, when he attacked three men and knocked their smurfing lights out with a metal baseball bat.

At the time of the attack, he was “at the head of a gang of ten youths aged 17 to 20,” who I like to imagine were also dressed as Smurfs. Except Superman. So a bunch of Smurfs and Superman were out partying in Portslade, when they decided to get all smurfy on three random men.

After beating two of them with the bat, Batchelor, still dressed as a Smurf, mind you, “drove his car at a third reveler sending him flying over the bonnet and knocking him out.”

I’m not going to pretend to know what a bonnet is, but I’ll assume it’s the part of Smurf cars that’s designed for killing revelers.

One of the victims, Rob Claridge, “tried to escape but ran into a bollard and fell over.” I had to consult the New Collegiate Smurf Dictionary, Third Edition on this one:

Bollard (n) : A trap developed by the Smurfs in the late 17th century, consisting largely of sticks and smurfberries. Best used on revelers. First known usage:“He dost revel so, until he comest upon the bollard. And ye, he was smurfed.” (Smurflodian Pilate III, The Smurflberry Tales)

During Batchelor’s trial, the defending attorney claimed, “He was dressed as a blue Smurf and nobody goes out to battle dressed as a blue Smurf.”

Of course not. When someone goes to battle, they dress as a battle Smurf.

Battle smurf.

Battle smurf.

Nevertheless, Batchelor pled guilty to causing actual bodily harm, dangerous driving, possessing an offensive weapon, and Smurfing with intent to Gargamel.


Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

Mysterious Figure ‘Spotted’

I hate these “mysterious creature” photos. This is clearly nothing more than the Chupacabra.

Wrong Spelling on Signs for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg

Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamauggians are outraged, cumbersome.

Man Believes Jesus Image Surfaced On His Guitar

Two legs? Check. Two arms? Check. Head-like projection? Check. That’s Jesus, all right.

~ Kyle Adams


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