Here’s a heartwarming little story of underdog justice from Russia. On March 14, Olga, a 28-year-old hairdresser in the town of Meshchovsk, single-handedly subdued an armed man who tried to rob her shop, reports Russia Today. Then she raped him for three days.
Wait: did I say heartwarming? I meant horribly disturbing. And confusing.
The would-be robber, 32-year-old Viktor (because in Russia, apparently, no one has last names and everyone is a James Bond villain), “couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate,” the article states, which really seems to miss the point. A yellow belt in karate might give you a nasty bruise, but I’m guessing it was Olga’s penchant for marathon rape that keeps Viktor up at night.
After initially subduing him, she tied Viktor up with a hairdryer cord and locked him in a utility room. Then, she chained him to a radiator with her standard-issue hairdresser’s pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra – to facilitate the three days of rape, you see.
When she finally let Viktor go on Monday, he ran straight to the hospital “as his genitals were injured.”
When the police came for Olga, she said: “What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I’ve bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles (around $30) when he left.”
It’s around here that I stop trying to make sense of it. Was it sex or rape? Why new jeans? What kind of food? I don’t think anyone will ever know, except for maybe Viktor, and his voice is notably absent from the story.
Whatever. The point is to avoid people named Olga.
Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:
Mr. Wiley Coyote sought for questioning.
“The Rodenator Pro pumps propane and oxygen into the tunnels of squirrels, then sends an electric spark that causes an explosion. The shock waves kill the squirrels and collapse their tunnels – but in a humane way.”
Wait, sorry, that’s a typo. “Humane” is supposed to be “awesome.”
~ Kyle Adams