Priest v. Pirate

Posted: April 3, 2009 by Kyle Adams in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , ,

pirate statue

Here’s something you don’t see everyday outside of weird porn: a priest crusading against a busty pirate hooker.

WNEP-16 of Pennsylvania reports that a statue of a scantily-clad she-pirate outside an antique store in impossible-to-pronounce Schuylkill county has become the focus of controversy as some, including a local priest, claim it should be removed.

The statue is a female pirate wearing low-rise pants and a small piece of white cloth tied across her generous chest, and has been rated both “do-able” and “hittable” in an extensive survey of the guys in my apartment.

pirate
Above: 6/10 – extra points for the hook

And it’s exactly that kind of natural reaction that Father Edward Connolly (misspelled in the article) hates.

“I believe that it’s indecent. I guess it would categorized as soft porn,” said the Roman Catholic priest. “If there is a definition of that I would call it soft porn.”

There is a definition of that, actually: skanky. Some might say “hot.” But soft porn? Soft porn is two chicks meeting in an art class and practicing nude figure drawing at home, then going crazy on each other in soft focus. Clearly, Father Connolly, you are poorly versed in your porn categories.

But whatever class of porn, the statue needed to be cursed.

“He pointed to the statue and very dictatorially said, ‘I curse you. I curse this place. I want to see this destroyed. I want her destroyed,'” said pirate owner Peggy Kanigoski.

Father Connolly denies the claims and says he was actually blessing the statue, but the fact remains that WNEP-16 called Peggy Kanigoski a “pirate owner.”

Father Connolly, clearly at ease with his sexuality, plans to continue his anti-boob crusade by visiting the statue regularly to “bless it,” which isn’t at all weird. I don’t know about you, but I sleep easier at night knowing that somewhere out there a priest is blessing a chesty pirate.

Be sure to check out WNEP-16’s video for some local news goodness. “Shiver me timbers!” is always a good start to a broadcast.

________________

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions

The Peekaru

It’s like a Snuggie, but much, much more disturbing.

Rare Condition Gives Toddler Super Strength

“Liam can run like the wind, has the agility of a cat, lifts pieces of furniture that most children his age couldn’t push across a slick floor…”

He’s not even 2 years old. That’s not a joke. The joke is your puny excuse for muscles.

~ Kyle Adams


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Comments
  1. Katie says:

    For the record, I just have to point out that the busty pirate is a butterface. Looks like they put Christopher Columbus’ head on a mannequin. Doable, no less.

  2. Joe says:

    likely a pedophile neo-con like the rest of the worshippers of the false prophet christ. we would be 500 years ahead of where we are now if that filthy bastard, who fries in hell, had never infected this planet.

  3. Katie says:

    Wow, I’ve never heard anybody call Jesus a filthy bastard who fries in hell. Care to elaborate?

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