There Will be Honey

Posted: March 20, 2009 by Kyle Adams in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , , , , reports the curious case of Donald Robert Alcock of Tenterfield, Australia, a beekeeper struggling to make ends meet. And when I say “struggling to make ends meet,” I mean murdering his rival to steal his honey.


Not this honey.

Alcock visited the home of rival beekeeper Anthony Ross Knight in May 2007 with the intention of stealing about $40,000 worth of honey. He claims that he did not initially intend to kill Knight.

“If Tony was home I was going to have to maim him or hurt him bad if I was going to knock off the honey,” Alcock told police. “I was only out to hurt him, I wasn’t out to kill him.” And if I’ve learned anything about Austrailia, a light maiming between friends is practically a pat on the ass.

Somehow Alcock ended up spending the night at Knight’s house, though the story is unclear as to exactly how it happened. Probably like this:

Alcock: “Hey, Tony.”

Knight: “Hi, Don.”

Alcock: “Hey, don’t you think it’s weird that all of us beekeepers have three names? Like assassins or something?”

Knight: “Yeah, I guess.”

Alcock: “Not that I’m an assassin or anything. Not like I’m here to kill you or anything like that, I mean. Like to steal your honey – I’m not saying anything like that.”

Knight: …

Alcock: “Can I sleep over?”

Knight: “Sure.”

Alcock originally only intended to be a chuckle-inducing honey thief, but when he realized he wouldn’t be able to steal the barrels of honey without waking Knight, things got shooty. But Alcock maintains that his intention was only to wound.

“I thought (the bullet) would go straight through him actually,” he told police.

Knight, according to Alcock

Alcock, despite his fundamentally flawed understanding of human physiology, was right: the bullet did go straight through him. What he failed to account for was all the killing it would do on its way through.

At this point he escaped with two very large tubs of honey and drove them to a honey distributor, but things went hilariously wrong while onloading them, and police found him trapped under one of the honey barrels. I can only assume that when they arrived on the scene Alcock sighed with a heartfelt “Oh, bother.”

He was hospitalized, but things didn’t end there. No, the honey-crazed Alcock, upon being released from the hospital, returned to Knight’s property to steal more honey.

He pleads not guilty to the murder; guilty of being just loco for honey.


Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

Walking, Talking Female Robot to Hit Japan Catwalk

So they master articulated limbs and shoot straight for sexbot. Thanks, Japan!

~ Kyle Adams

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