Kimberley Swann Is No Longer Listed as Employed

Posted: February 27, 2009 by Kyle Adams in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , , ,

The Daily Mail Online reports that a 16-year-old Essex girl was fired for complaining about her job on Facebook.

“But while other 16-year-olds might have confided in friends and family about the filing, stapling and hole-punching, she decided to let off steam by posting comments on social networking website Facebook,” the article reports. Yes, other 16-year-olds that lived six years ago may have complained to friends and family. I’d like to welcome you to 2009, Daily Mail. We have the internet on phones now!

So just what kind of graphic, expletive-ridden smut was she spewing about her employer?

“first day at work,” she posted. “omg!! So dull!!’

The horror continues:

“all i do is shred holepunch n scan paper!!! omg!” and “im so totally bord!!!”

Throw the book at her! Hang her by from the highest tree in Essex!

Her “horrified” boss discovered her postings while “surfing the net.” Let me translate that into honest: Her skeevy boss discovered her postings while scumming through her photos on Facebook.

He called her into his office and fired her on the spot. Logically.

Ms. Swann “said she was shocked at her treatment as her comments had been on a personal site and not intended to be seen by outsiders – least of all her employer.”

You know, I wasn’t exactly sure where Essex County was located in England when starting this post, but it’s pretty clear now that it’s two hours north of London, under an enormous rock.

And because things weren’t stupid enough already, the employer gave the following reason for firing her: “I have seen your comments on Facebook and I don’t want my company being in the news.”

Being an expert on Facebook, he was aware that this kind of complaining almost never happens on the site, and always makes the news when it does. For instance, we all remember the “Kyle Adams works with a bunch of stumblebums, ugghhh” expose in the New York Times last October.

As it turns out, a menial firing over a media-hot issue like Facebook actually put his company in the news. Who woulda thought? Oh, right: everyone.

Now, as much as I would have fired the girl for her obnoxious abuse of grammar and spelling-and I most certainly would have-the article does raise a good point. Before Facebook, nobody would expect barstool complaints to be grounds for termination. Does the fact that she published them on the internet change that? Maybe. I’m biased because of her stupid spelling and complete disregard for proper punctuation.

“It is not nice to look on Facebook and report something that is personal,” said Swann’s mother,” who I would like to welcome to the Internet, the least private medium ever. “It should not be allowed.”

You know what also shouldn’t be allowed? Multiple exclamation points. They’re a sign of weak moral character, and I blame you, Mrs. Swann. Raise your children better.


Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

Mystery Cloaks Bones Found in Fontana Chimney

“The man, as far as experts can tell, was at least 45 years old, but most likely older than 54. He was between 5-foot-5 and 5-foot-8, and had a robust build at some point in his life.”

The bones also suggest a high level of pre-mortem jolliness, which, while he was alive, may have caused his belly to jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.

Robbers Use Fake Chimney to Cut into Bank

“Investigators found the blowtorches at the bank and at a nearby construction site. They also found a circular section of the roof.”

Eye-witness descriptions of the suspect vary from “tall, medium build,” to “Bugs Bunny.”

~ Kyle Adams

  1. Katie says:

    Haha I feel exactly the same way about multiple exclamation points and bad grammar. I’m so pleased to find a kindred spirit.

  2. m says:

    maybe this article was a joke–i think it must be?–or whoever wrote it has never had a real job with a purpose. i’m pretty sure just being on facebook while at work is grounds enough for dismissal. posting comments, ie shirking duties while on the clock is proof of nothing other than sheer stupidity. to defend her is asinine. not to mention the snotty teenager tone used while doing so. not being an expert on facebook is certainly nothing to excoriate someone for. moreover, actually being an expert on facebook is a sign of precious time wasted. get off your ass and do something productive in the real world with yourself and then see how often you go to bat for the shiftless and no count…

  3. Kate says:

    I will “excoriate” you for pretending to be intelligent and not using proper capitalization.

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