Australians Will Be Australians

Posted: February 20, 2009 by Kyle Adams in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Daily Telegraph of Sydney reports that two “warring” witnesses in the trial of a man charged with shooting a businessman in December 2006 crashed their vehicles into a house in Edgeworth.

After parking his Nissan 4WD in the living room of Mr. and Mrs. Beattie, the unnamed 24-year-old left his vehicle to continue fighting the driver of the Subaru WRX, who landed on the front lawn.

In Australia they only have one expression for "silly cat ate the cereal again…" and  "Jesus Christ, a car crashed through our fucking house!"

In Australia they only have one expression for "silly cat ate the cereal again…" and "Jesus Christ, a car crashed through our fucking house!"

Judging by the makes of the vehicles, these two were also clearly in the midst of a dirt rally race. The Telegraph probably failed to mention it because rally racing is the most common form of transportation in Australia, just above strapping two alligators to your feet.

And since this was Australia: “the two drivers fought each other with a hammer and a wrench,” the story says.

 "He didn't even get halfway in. This guy from New Zealand?"

"He didn't even get halfway in. This guy from New Zealand?"

“I was having my breakfast at the table, I thought the cars had crashed on the lawn. I didn’t imagine one would end up in here,” said Mrs Beattie, for whom lawn-crashes are apparently blasé.

Looking for more deadly, or as they say there, more “Australian” weapons, one of the men entered the Beattie’s home.

“One of the blokes came in here and started going through the drawers for a knife,” Mrs. Beattie said. “I told him to get out or I’d sort him out,” at which point she chugged her Foster’s and crushed it over her head.

The drivers, as well as a female passenger, were arrested on charges related to the intimidation of witnesses and traffic violations. They were also disqualified from the rally.

I bring this to you in light of another story from the blokes in Oceania that I came across last week, in which a New Zealand man nearly sawed his hand off while cutting meat.

“I just grabbed my hand and walked down to the office swearing my head off…I really thought I was going to die,” the man said.

Now, I can’t say I’ve ever really thought I was going to die, but I have stubbed my toe pretty bad, and that made me swear my head off. I swear my head off when I forget my wallet and have to walk three minutes back to my apartment. I swear my head off when we’re out of toilet paper. If I thought I was going to die, however, I would probably just pass out and die.

But what makes this really New Zealand-y is what happened when doctors began to re-attach the hand. It went something like this:

Surgeon: “Wait…is this…sir?”—because I assume they don’t use anesthetics in New Zealand—“Now be honest—have you cut your hand off before?”

Guy: “…yeah.” Yes, this was the second time he had nearly cut the same hand off. But that’s just life in New Zealand. They reattached the hand and he went back to trying to cut it off again, and rally racing.

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

Fantasist Stole 14,000 Pounds from Girlfriend by Pretending to be MI5 Secret Agent

I’d like to take this time to announce that I’m leaving my career in journalism to be a fantasist.

Truck Accidents in Utah Spill Burgers on I-15, Drench I-84 with Beer

4,322 athiests in Utah reconsider their stances.

And for this week’s animal fix, here’s a story about a lamb that “head-butted a golden eagle.”

~ Kyle Adams

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Comments
  1. Kate says:

    the way journalism is going, you may already be a fantasist;)

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