The Poo Fight That Turned Ugly

Posted: February 13, 2009 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , , , , , ,
That’s me, searching for an image to accompany this story. Never again.

That’s me, searching for an image to accompany this story. Never again.

MyFox Orlando reports that three people ended up in jail after “a brother assaulted his sister with a pan full of dog poo” last Tuesday.

MyFox Orlando apparently has a newer version of the AP Style Book than I do, because the 2007 edition clearly states that feces should be referred to as “dookie.”

I like to imagine that conversation in the newsroom went something like this:

Guy: “Hey, Janet? I’m working on that dog crap story…how should I refer to dog crap?”

Janet: “Uh…feces?”

Guy: “Nah, too scientific.”

Janet: “Leavings?”

Guy: “Leavings? What are you 87?”

Janet: “Poop?”

Guy: uncontrollable giggle fit.

Janet: leaves the room.

Guy: “I’m sayin’ poo.”

Apparently the assault began when the siblings, Michael and Stacy Rash, couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to clean the dog crate. They considered shooting for it, but smeared poo on each other instead.

Now, if you’re picturing little kids in this story, that would be entirely logical but also entirely wrong. Though their ages are not stated, I would guess from the mug shots that these two are in their early to mid twenties—at least 6 years past a socially acceptable poo fight.

Pictured here sans dookie

Pictured here sans dookie

But that was only the beginning. From there, the fight—or “altercation,” if you speak police—escalated quickly. Michael dragged Stacey outside by the hair, at which point Stacey may have hit Kaylee Whitrock, Michael’s girlfriend, and they started fighting. Michael held Stacey while Whitlock punched her. Then Whitlock found a broom, presumably next to the steel chair and folding table, to hit Stacey with.

Then Stacey tagged in her mother who broke the fight up. “But wait,” Michael thought, “What kind of white trash drag-out would this be if no one pulled a gun?” So he pulled a gun. But before he could act, the gun was knocked out of his hand by his mother, Steven Segal.

It was about this time that the deputies arrived and asked the poo-smeared Michael and Stacey Rash to handcuff themselves and not touch them or come anywhere near them. The siblings and Whitlock were charged with domestic violence and white-trashery in the third degree.

Hopefully the Rashes learned an important lesson: cleaning poo is better than having it smeared in your face. In fact, everything that happened in that story is better than having poo smeared in your face, including the gun part.

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

US Woman in ‘Milkshake Murder’ to Seek Second Appeal

Milkshake reported to be drugged, “better than yours.”

Shark Attack in Woolloomooloo

Woolloomoolooligans shaken, Oompa Loompas send aid.

“Douchebags” Lawsuit Dismissed

I’ll give you two guesses as to where this story comes from. Hint: it’s New Jersey.

And I leave you with this list of the world’s most disturbing animals, because I read it in the pursuit of weird news for you people and now I will never sleep again. My only comfort is knowing that I won’t be the only one weeping quietly under the covers tonight. And that somewhere out there is a place called Woolloomooloo.

~ Kyle Adams

  1. hugjuffs says:

    cant see the pics. glad the douchebags and hot chicks lost.

  2. zac cummings says:

    this is hilarious! i just awkwardly laughed out loud in Panasci. twice.

  3. Kate says:

    aaaaahahahaha priceless.

    these posts make procrastinating even more enjoyable.

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