A Little Holiday Punchin’

Posted: December 4, 2008 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,
What a magical, not-horribly-disappointing place this looks like.

What a magical, not-horribly-disappointing place this looks like.

To start your holiday vacation off right, here’s a charming story out of Dorset, England. The Dorset Echo reports that disappointed customers are in an uproar after paying to take their families to Lapland New Forest to see Santa and his workshop.

Instead of cheery elves, bright lights, fluffy snow, and a jolly Kris Kringle, however, the families found muddy grounds, “starving husky dogs, burger vans, two reindeer, [and] a plywood nativity scene.” Instead of cheery and jolly, staff was described as rude and unhelpful.

The North Pole looks surprisingly like Michael Vick’s backyard.

The North Pole looks surprisingly like Michael Vick’s backyard.

Visitors complained that their children had to wait in a queue—they’re British, remember—for up to two hours to see Santa, at which point they were rushed through a photograph and given a toy “from an out-of-date-film,” which I can only imagine was a “Judge Dredd” action figure:

judgedredd1

We can at least be thankful, I suppose, that they weren’t giving out any of those sex books or “fivers” they’re so fond of.

So with children crying, dogs whimpering, parents fuming, and Santa presumably drinking and swearing, it was only a matter of time before this happened: “Tensions reached a peak when furious parents allegedly confronted ‘elves’ in a ‘gingerbread house’ and Father Christmas was punched in his grotto.”

And with that I leave you. Happy Holidays, folks.

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

Nine-year-old Reveals Dating Secrets

Surprise ending: he’s also writing a children’s book about Watergate. Sad realization: he knows more about Watergate and dating than I do.

Police: Ohio College Advisor Ran Prostitute Raffle

It’s a weird story, but the real reason I include it here is because it features a guy named Rusty Blades. Rusty. F-ckin. Blades. If he were a surgeon, he’d place high on the list of best name/profession pairings ever, just behind Judge Learned Hand and Master Sgt. Max Fightmaster.

~Kyle Adams

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