Searchers Find Lost Man, Avert Eyes

Posted: November 20, 2008 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

Just sittin’ in the woods with my junk out, officers.”

The Cairns Post of Australia reported Monday that rescuers discovered a lost and confused man in the dense rain forest south of Cairns. The man said he had been fishing in the area, but could provide no explanation of how he got lost.

 

Then, as the rescuers stared at him, struggling for words, he probably said something like: “…Is it the naked thing? It’s the naked thing isn’t it?”

 

Yes, the unnamed 27-year-old man was found sitting on a log, completely naked, in almost inaccessibly dense rain forest at the top of a steep ridge—what locals describe as “billygoat country,” and I now describe as “Crotchview Ridge.”

 

Police stopped giggling long enough to describe the man as disoriented and covered with scratches, but otherwise unharmed, when they found him.

 

“But he was more relieved than embarrassed to see us,” said teenage rescuer Brad Figallo. “He told us he thought he was going to die up there.”

Brad Figallo: “No, this is my shirt. I bought it yesterday.”

Another teen rushed back into town on his motorcycle (because every teenager in Australia owns a motorcycle) to get the man clothes and water—mostly clothes, though. In the meantime everyone stood around silently, staring at the ground and trees.

 

The man maintains that he has no idea how he got lost or where his clothes went. All he could establish was that he was fishing the day before. Then, apparently, something either chillingly horrific or completely awesome happened for approximately 24 hours. And then he was sitting naked on a log.

 

Police are baffled, but have released a line-up of possible suspects:

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

 

“Lucky Man Survives After Being Run Over By Train”

 

Considering the Alabama man was lying across the tracks when the train passed over him—causing “only minor injuries”—I wouldn’t consider him “lucky.” I’d say this guy is so son-of-a-bitchin’ unlucky, he couldn’t even commit suicide with a train.

“How to Avoid iPod Ear Damage”

 

Turn down the volume. I just saved you 326 words.

Bonus:

 

“Nursing-Home Sex Becoming More Acceptable”

 

“…past research has shown that men and women continue to participate in sexual intercourse and ‘solo activities’ well into their 70s and 80s.”

 

Newer research, however, indicates that researching old-people sex is “gross” and “f-cked up.”

 

~Kyle Adams

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Comments
  1. […] 2008 by All Nudist Sure seems to be a lot of this going around lately.  There’s a great post by Jerk about the original article in The Cairns […]

  2. noelle says:

    OMG nursing home sex! i just threw up a lil in my mouth.

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