A Whack-Ass Smattering

Posted: November 12, 2008 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

It’s been a slow week for weird news. So, instead of one incredibly strange story, we bring you a sampling of bite-size strangeness: Sex, Gnomes, Pandas biting schoolgirls! Cooties!

Third Graders Accidently Given Explicit Book


Completely Innapropriate: third graders should barely be beyond missionary.

 

While on a school field trip in London, 42 students, ranging in age from eight to nine years old, were accidently given the book, Change the World for a Fiver. “Fiver,” apparently, is British for “reverse cowgirl in the bathtub.”

 

The book, targeted to adults, features small acts to make the world a better place—if you’re an adult. If you’re an eight-year-old, it features small acts to traumatize you and severely endanger your life. As well as the “have fun in the bath” section, the book suggests talking to strangers and handing your phone number out to random people on the street.

 

Needless to say, each and every one of those 42 children will grow up to be a perverted deviant serial killer, wandering the streets of London asking for fivers.

 

Garden Gnomes Banned from Church Cemetery


Gnomes to Church: “F*ck you, too.”

 

Says a spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells: “There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?”

 

He’s right. There has never once been any documented proof that gnomes exist. Nobody has ever really seen a gnome, though some claim that evidence of gnomes exist all around us in things like missing socks and mussed-up gardens. And something as intangible as that has no place in or near a church. Just no place at all.

 

Panda Bites Australian Schoolgirl

“She started screaming, so did the other girls there,” (her father) said. “The screaming alerted the person from the sanctuary who came back and she started screaming.”

 

Then the police heard the screaming, so they came and they started screaming. Now the girls are all screaming and the police are screaming and the panda starts screaming, too. Went on for almost 7 hours that way.

*I want to take a serious moment here for a little PSA: Don’t pet animals that aren’t your dog or cat. If you do, something horrible will likely happen, and I won’t feel the least bit sorry for you.

 

And then there’s this video because, as we all know, science only exists to humiliate animals.

 

~Kyle Adams

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Comments
  1. KATACO says:

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