Landlord Accused of Violating Building Codes, Being Mad Scientist

Posted: November 5, 2008 by jerkmag in VAULT -- archives
Tags: , ,

The face of an unlicensed-doctor-mad-scientist-landlord-former mayoral candidate...




The face of an unlicensed-doctor-mad-scientist-landlord-former mayoral candidate..., of Honolulu, Hawaii, is reporting the ongoing case of a landlord whose building collapsed last Sunday.

The landlord, Daniel Cunningham, had been fighting city officials that were trying foreclose the building for safety reasons. He accumulated thousands of dollars in fines prior to the building’s collapse.

Many of the tenants claim that the building was unsafe, on the verge of collapse, and that Cunningham was performing medical experiments on them.

Cunningham, whose chiropractic license was revoked in 1997 for injecting patients, claims to have invented a stem cell treatment that extends life indefinitely. He also wears socks on his hands, for that added touch of crazy.


Not pictured: Hand-Socks

He injected former tenant Richard Sumiye with a solution around his eyes. Surprisingly, instead of turning Sumiye into a Highlander, the injection made him blind.

Cunningham is now blaming the collapse of the building on the tenants. He said he was preparing to take it down, “before someone did that to me.” By “that,” presumably he means something horrible like toppling a decrepit building, and not, say, blinding a person. “Evil can have such a ‘normal’ face,” Cunningham said. He didn’t mention what crazy looks like, but its safe to say it wears socks on its hands.

When a KITV reporter asked Cunningham to tell her the specifics of his experiments, he replied, logically:

“I don’t think it’s intelligent for me to do that because it’s a bad law.”

Whatever “law” he’s talking about—and the reporter mentioned no law—the point is that it was created by aliens.

“I think you work for them,” Cunningham said. “The media works for them and they own the money and they are eating people down below.”

"People down below."

My boss, apparently...Not pictured: "People down below."

Sadly, he never explains how the hand-socks play into this conspiracy.

 For video on this story, click here.

Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:

“Frozen mice cloned– are woolly mammoths next?”

“Japanese scientists […] said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.”

Upon furthering questioning, added: “Jurassic what? No, we’ve never seen it. Why?”

“Police take aggressive rooster into custody”

“Police Chief Mike O’Neill said the rooster has been bothering people lately, trying to keep them from getting where they want to go.”

They released this sketch of the suspect:


~Kyle Adams (Check out Kyle’s humor column running every Thursday!)


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