What’s the breast newspaper in the titty of London?

Posted: November 4, 2008 by jerkmag in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Keeley Hazell from Page 3

Made you look! Keeley Hazell from Page 3

I meant to spend some time this semester studying the British press coverage of the US elections in order to, y’know, learn something about my own country or some shit. It’s a pretty big deal here. The Guardian even has a two-page spread about the election every day. But I got sidetracked. It really doesn’t matter how the UK covers the US election. The Brits can’t vote, though they’re happy to say how they would. There are more relevant lessons for a media student…

I picked up on a few key differences between us, but if I’ve learned one thing in my studies, it’s that my print-journalism education is approximately fucking worthless in this country. You know why? Seven glorious words: Bare Tits On Page Three Every Day

So much for public service, objectivity or trying to earn the trust of readers through high-quality reporting. Rupert Murdoch’s Sun features, every single day without fail, a photo of a topless woman on page three. This is the country’s most widely read paper, with a circulation of 3.1 million. That’s at least 6.2 million nipples on the tube, around offices and in the hands of gleeful children by breakfast daily.

Boobs alone are fine. Actually, they’re pretty fantastic. If the New York Times had a photo of an NYU student’s heaving, nubile busom on the letters page every day, you’d never hear conservatives bitching about any left-wing media conspiracy.

This clown quits his job and its front-page news

This clown quits his job and it's front-page news

But Page 3 Girl Rosie, 18, from Middlesex, 34C-25-35 and her friends represent overall lower standards among the papers and news consumers alike. Before Sun readers even get to the jumblies on page three, they have to get through the pressing news of our day on the front page. Last Monday, I learned Prince Harry really wants to take on the Taliban from an Apache helicopter and Russell Brand left an elderly soap opera actor a voice mail to say that, among other things, he wore a condom when he fucked the geezer’s granddaughter (who herself auditioned for page three a few years back and, ironically, finally made her topless premiere that day). To be fair, that turned out to be a big story as Brand resigned from the show last week.

And the Sun ain’t the only paper with such high journalistic standards. The Daily Star and Daily Express are owned by pornographer Richard Desmond, who brought us industry landmarks like Asian Babes and Nude Wives. The Daily Mirror’s front page last Monday was a Lego toy giveaway. The Daily Mail, the most “respectable” of the bunch, featured a story on British 14-year-olds’ diminishing brainpower, based on a dodgy report. Toss the tits onto such top-notch reporting, and it really sets a high standard for UK print media.

Thrilling stuff, it really is. American tabloids have plenty of this shit too, but at least the National Enquirer is a running joke. The combined circulation of Britain’s five daily tabloids is 8.7 million, more than four times the circulation of the four “quality” papers. One out of five British newspaper readers chooses the Sun, and four out of five choose a tabloid!

So, moral of the story, if John McCain or Barack Obama wanted to win for sure, they would’ve bought a full-pager in the Wall Street Journal and shown us, as discerning news consumers, what we all really want: some tig ‘ol bitties.

~ Liam

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