Words o’ Wisdom: In Honor of the 2009 A.L. Champs

Yogi Berra, former New York Yankee and famous for his "Yogi-isms" such as this one mentioned below.

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

-Yogi Berra

I’ll Only Play Sports That Make Me Look Cool

Sigourney knows how to hibernate and still stay thin.

The weather is finally getting warmer here in Syracuse, NY and I love it. After so many winter months freezing my ass off, I feel like this is my time. Now some may be lead to believe that you should really workout hard during the winter months to get your body ready for “bikini weather,” but I think that’s bullshit.

When it started getting colder I couldn’t think of doing anything but staying in, eating, and sleeping under several blankets. It was like my own hibernation period and I have the blubber to prove it. Now that the weather is finally warming up I actually feel motivated to get outside and do something.

With the sun calling I have to decide what sport/activity I’m going to take up. I hate the gym, you probably knew that. The gym to me feels like a waste of time. You stay inside with all these people who are obsessed with going to the gym. They are all already thin/fit, fuckers. Plus I’m not going into the gym until I buy some sexy workout clothes. A friend of mine just told me that she lost 9 pounds swimming but I don’t do laps. So what do I do?  Well, I only want to play sports that make me look cool.

Jeff Daniels looking like a douche bag.

After watching indie flicks like The Royal Tenenbaums and The Squid and The Whale , I’ve decided that tennis is really fucking cool. Think about it. Everyone wants to look like a douche bag slacker these days and nothing says douche bag like playing tennis. All the kids are doing it and I want in.

Another sport I’ve deemed cool/hot is bowling. I know what you are thinking, old people, but actually bowling can be pretty intense. You have to lug around a 10+ pound ball, unless you are pussy/bitch, and actually be coordinated enough to hit something other than onlookers.  Tough.

Other sports that I could take up that seem low-impact/hipster cool are cricket, golf, ping-pong. The list just goes on and on.

- Cindia Gonzalez

Shaking in their Spikes

Don't worry Tiger, you'll see her in a few days.

After arthroscopic knee surgery and months of rehab, Tiger Woods is back on the links this week at the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship.  Let it be noted, first of all, that the eight-month sabbatical Woods took is well over his doctors’ original timeframe for recovery.  I can’t say I blame the guy for taking the extra time off, though.  Have you seen his wife?  I rest my case.

However, it’s hard for me to say that I’m excited to see him return to competition.  On one hand, he’s pretty much the Jesus of the golf world.  As a (very) amateur golfer myself, and one who spends about 70 percent of my time on the course cussing the ball, my clubs, and my terrible luck, I can appreciate how amazingly consistent Tiger is with a golf club in his hands.  Hell, he won this year’s US Open in playoff holes and in comeback fashion – all on one leg.

D.O. Blows Jerk Off

So as we previously reported, we were set to rout The Daily Orange in our third annual staff kickball game last Sunday on the Quad. Unfortunately, only two members of the D.O. staff decided to come. The rest claimed that they were held up by “work” or “final papers” or some similar weak shit. So Jerk won, albeit by forfeit, improving our series record to 3-0.

Here’s our team victory pic, just for you guys at the D.O.

20 Watts is next. Sunday, May 4, 2 p.m. on the Quad. Be there, be drunk.

~ Liam