Yahoo! Answers: Trade Sex for Video Games?

[VIDEO] Monkey Surprise!

Cool, a monkey video. I love those. Oh, wait…

Welcome to my Lair…

I basically harassed my lovely editor Kate at Jerk proofs all weekend long after being dumped by my serious boyfriend of three years who was non-debatably the love of my life. She mentioned that the Jerk Blog didn’t have a sex writer and that it might be the perfect antidote to my current problem. I also [weirdly] feel like it might bring out a more humorous, positive aspect of my personality. So friends and followers, here goes my first blog about SEX for the Fall semester.

I don’t exactly have the typical sex life of a single college student. Wow, I’m single. Weird. But I do promise that if I encounter any kind of sexcapades I will most definitely blog about them. At the very least, I promise to provide you with my most brilliant analysis and advice—without any juicy details of my severely lacking sexual activity as of late.

Even though Syracuse, New York isn’t exactly the most glamorous backdrop to romantic or romping intercourse, I’m going to try my very hardest to entertain you; shitty weather and a lack of decent sex shops are not going to bring us down. Instead, Syracuse is going to learn how to get down.

I’m going to try my best to channel the definite Carrie Bradshaw that I KNOW exists within me and then kick her whiny ass with her own royal blue Manolo Blahnik pumps.

Although she’s a sorry excuse for an independent woman, she did have one piece (of slightly hypocritical since she always needs SOMEONE to bail her out) advice:

 ”As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

When said boyfriend decided to break my heart, I thought my life was over (please don’t pity this pathetic sex blogger), but by listening to Ms. Bradshaw and picking up this uber sexual writing gig I’m slowly “buckling up” and keeping on keeping on.

Stay tuned for future posts about sex icons, the porn debate, the “walk of shame”—or is it?—and more!

-Lady Lovegood

(PS, also check out jerkmagazine.net for the Hysterical History of Female Masturbation)

Words ‘o Wisdom: Happy Tuesday Edition

“In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.”

-Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye

 

Plan B: For Women 17 and Up

 

Plan B

So the truth comes out, and politics is the reason for a delay in social justice yet again. Plan B, a form of emergency birth control available 72 hours after intercourse, has now been made legal for 17-year-olds to access over the counter.

 

Why has this legislation been modified, you may ask? And why now?

Well, Plan B should have been made available to 17-year-olds initially.

Sexy In Your Skin

Although Michael Phelps’s super-human cardiovascular stamina would indeed spice things up in the bedroom, Olympic athleticism is absolutely not a requisite for good sex. Neither are the abilities to bend yourself into circus-freak-like contortions, scream like a porn-star, drop it like a girl in a Snoop Dogg video, or balance plates on your penis. The last one really isn’t relative to sexual activity, but let’s be real, it’s impressive. Anyway…

Plight of the Granny Panty

What to do when your boyfriend (or barfriend, we’re not here to judge) unexpectedly springs the deed on you when you’re wearing none-other than your favorite faded-ass, flower-print, 1998 throwback granny panties:

These should be illegal

1. Ponder for a moment about why such a thing still exists in your life. Then mentally slap yourself. The only excuse for skivs like these is PMS, and even then you should feel guilty. Your vagina deserves better.

At Least These Students Didn’t Get Botched Implants…

Has anyone else been wondering where all the pictures of uneven boobs and saggy stomachs have been on PerezHilton.com lately? Apparently the reason behind this madness is because drunkard Tara Reid has been cooped up for 60 days in rehab at Promise’s in Malibu (how many times has she been in rehab??) and is “finally clean.” Yeah….right.

Tara Reid Extreme Nip Slip – Click here for funny video clips

While the worst thing Tara has ever done while intoxicated is flash her cellulite-y ass to on looking paparazzi and have a nip-slip on the red carpet in front of multiple TV cameras, Syracuse students have not been so lucky. In fact, in the past weekend alone (that’s only three days), I’ve witnessed or heard about some pretty crazy shit that’s happened to the inebriated students. So here it is, kids: my list of the three funniest drunk moments of the weekend. Laugh at them, turn red with embarrassment, tell your grandchildren… just please don’t try them at home.

Get Off It, Go Get It

If you’re having a hard time getting into the V-Day spirit this year, you’re not alone. And you’re not screwed—yet anyway. Just because Cupid’s left your ass well enough alone, doesn’t mean you have to give up on getting any.

Here’s the deal: as annoying as this silly holiday can be with all the flowers and feelings flyin’ around, no one deserves to be action-free, especially on February 14^th. So even if you’re boycotting, please, for the love of all things holy, do not forsake the booty!

Someone shot the bearer of loooove.

A Whack-Ass Smattering

It’s been a slow week for weird news. So, instead of one incredibly strange story, we bring you a sampling of bite-size strangeness: Sex, Gnomes, Pandas biting schoolgirls! Cooties!