Priest v. Pirate

Here’s something you don’t see everyday outside of weird porn: a priest crusading against a busty pirate hooker.

WNEP-16 of Pennsylvania reports that a statue of a scantily-clad she-pirate outside an antique store in impossible-to-pronounce Schuylkill county has become the focus of controversy as some, including a local priest, claim it should be removed.

The statue is a female pirate wearing low-rise pants and a small piece of white cloth tied across her generous chest, and has been rated both “do-able” and “hittable” in an extensive survey of the guys in my apartment.

A Steam and a Stab

This is just not the kind of story one expects from Canada.

The Edmonton Journal of Edmonton, Alberta reports that a 49-year-old man was stabbed in the steam room at Grant McEwan College. The stabbing, according to the article, was the result of an argument over steam rocks.

The right way to enjoy a steam.

The wrong way to enjoy a steam.

But the short article raises more questions than it answers – not least of which is, “What are steam rocks?” I’m going to assume, probably pretty accurately, that these are rocks that create steam, via some sort of magic and/or kung-fu.

There Will be Honey

News.com.au reports the curious case of Donald Robert Alcock of Tenterfield, Australia, a beekeeper struggling to make ends meet. And when I say “struggling to make ends meet,” I mean murdering his rival to steal his honey.

Not this honey.

Happy Spring Break

We’ve got a short one for you this week. Happy Spring Break.

Children Play Kick the Flaming Ball

Police respond, win in over time. Rematch is pending.

Getting By on $400,000

“Augustine Fou and his wife have 2 big Manhattan salaries, but they also have 2 children, a posh but small apartment and fixed costs that won’t go away. Now they’re cutting spending, just in case one of them loses a job in the economic downturn. Here’s a look at where their money goes.”

Twist answer: the poor. No, just kidding, it goes to keeping them filthy rich. Thanks, MSN!

And because I couldn’t find any good animal stories, here’s a video about robots. “And this robot is designed to destroy all humans-I mean, lift heavy things. It lifts things.”

~ Kyle Adams

Kimberley Swann Is No Longer Listed as Employed

The Daily Mail Online reports that a 16-year-old Essex girl was fired for complaining about her job on Facebook.

“But while other 16-year-olds might have confided in friends and family about the filing, stapling and hole-punching, she decided to let off steam by posting comments on social networking website Facebook,” the article reports. Yes, other 16-year-olds that lived six years ago may have complained to friends and family. I’d like to welcome you to 2009, Daily Mail. We have the internet on phones now!

So just what kind of graphic, expletive-ridden smut was she spewing about her employer?

“first day at work,” she posted. “omg!! So dull!!’

The horror continues:

Australians Will Be Australians

The Daily Telegraph of Sydney reports that two “warring” witnesses in the trial of a man charged with shooting a businessman in December 2006 crashed their vehicles into a house in Edgeworth.

After parking his Nissan 4WD in the living room of Mr. and Mrs. Beattie, the unnamed 24-year-old left his vehicle to continue fighting the driver of the Subaru WRX, who landed on the front lawn.

In Australia they only have one expression for "silly cat ate the cereal again…" and "Jesus Christ, a car crashed through our fucking house!"

The Poo Fight That Turned Ugly

That’s me, searching for an image to accompany this story. Never again.

MyFox Orlando reports that three people ended up in jail after “a brother assaulted his sister with a pan full of dog poo” last Tuesday.

MyFox Orlando apparently has a newer version of the AP Style Book than I do, because the 2007 edition clearly states that feces should be referred to as “dookie.”

I like to imagine that conversation in the newsroom went something like this: