More valuable lessons from Jon Gosselin

Jon Gosselin having a "mantrum" with his drug dealer, also known as his girlfriend Hailey Glassman.

I hate to write about Jon Gosselin again, but it needs to happen. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how Gosselin taught me to lose a million-dollar contract. This week, Gosselin taught me how to expose all my secrets: date or surround yourself with women in their early 20s; they’re sure to tell “Inside Edition” all the juicy details.

Lesson one: always trust the babysitter. Stephanie Santoro babysat for Gosselin’s eight children and recently exposed some of his alleged habits to the tabloid TV show, “Inside Edition.” Santoro told the show that Gosselin smoked pot while the kids were home and hacked into his wife Kate’s email account. Maybe he got the weed from his girlfriend, 22 year old Hailey Glassman (she was arrested for drug possession in 2005).

Lesson two: Send all your secrets in text messages. Santoro claims she has “hundred and hundreds of text messages” to back her accusations. Imagine: “Hails gave me weed. Got the munchies, kids crying bc I ate all their ice cream. LOL.”

Lesson three: Date Glassman. Glassman told “Inside Edition” this week that Gosselin has “mantrums.” She said Gosselin takes his anger out on her during phone calls. This makes her cry and leads her to ask him, “Why are you so mean to me?” I think “Why am I dating you?” is a more sufficient question.

~Jessie Assimon

Words o’ Wisdom: Jerkin’ Wednesday Edition

 

Just a couple of Jerks.

“Some people have a way about them that seems to say: “If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.” 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

 

America Loves Lindsay Lohan’s Face

Lindsay Lohan's face in 1998.

This week Americans read these apparently important headlines: Boy Trapped in Flying Saucer, Kanye West is Not Dead and WTF is Up With Lindsay Lohan’s Face? I learned from pop culture this week that subjects such as a celebrity’s face deserve as much coverage as the President’s press conference on health care.

Many “news” Web sites (or tabloid sites and blogs, I should say) wrote articles and produced photo slide shows that compared an older photo to a newer photo of Lindsay Lohan’s face. They questioned her new appearance, simply asking readers, “What happened?” No actual news accompanied this story –she just looked a bit different, so these sites reported that.

I became rather curious as to what really happened, so I thoroughly studied www.USMagazine.com’s 12-photo slide show that featured Lohan’s face through the years. Here is what I found:

The solution is rather simple. She’s older, she wears a lot of make-up -everything from bronzer to a generous amount of eyeliner and eye shadow- and her weight fluctuates. Of course Lohan’s face looks different than it looked when she played the lead in The Parent Trap in 1998.

He’s got it covered. Letterman can handle his own scandal.

Dave sure loves the ladies!

The man who likes to criticize and make fun of everyone else’s foolish antics apparently has been the one acting foolishly all along. As most of you know, David Letterman, the late night talk show host, admitted to past sexual relations with female staff members. Robert “Joe” Halderman, allegedly extorted Letterman into airing his dirty laundry, for if Letterman didn’t confess to his flings on air, he allegedly would have to pay $2 million.

Honestly, I don’t care about this story. What he did was wrong and unprofessional, but personally, the story disinterests me. Yet, this week’s biggest pop culture headline did, of course, teach me a few valuable lessons.

Lesson One: If you’re out there cracking a joke at the dirty laundry of politicians and celebrities, you probably have some skeletons in your own closet.

In fact, Letterman jokes about other affairs so often (it is his job, after all) that when he announced his own affairs, his studio audience laughed at first. They thought he was joking!

Is there anything you want to say, Jay?

A note to Jon Gosselin: Thanks!

Definition of a midlife crisis: backwards hat, Ed Hardy, chucks, and a diamond stud.

Congrats Jon Gosselin! Your French rendezvous, partying, babysitter sleepovers, playa days successfully deemed you America’s Worst Dad. Yes, your own show, your sole source of income, which only requires you to act like a father to your eight children, just fired you. That’s right; T.L.C. thinks that your midlife crisis deemed you unworthy of starring on a show about your family.

Well, it’s not like you were trying to keep your job. Did you think that when you started holding impromptu press conferences on your front lawn with the paparazzi that the network would love that? How about when you started bedding one of those front lawn paps and asked her to resign from her job as a reporter at Star when you had already gone public with your other girlfriend – a 22-year-old alleged stoner? I can’t believe you would’ve thought these actions screamed “All American Dad” and would allow you to keep your job.

Lessons learned from trying to “Keep up with the Kardashians”

It’s a classic scenario. Boy meets girl, girl announces they’re dating and the next week tabloids announce that boy and girl are engaged. Girl then confirms the news that in a few days she’s getting married.

The happy and delusional couple.

Wait, that hasn’t happened to you or your friends yet? Oh, right, if you’re reading this blog, then you’re probably not a “celebrity.” As Khloe Kardashian, 24, and her family taught me this week, in celebville, meeting someone and then marrying them four weeks later is “romantic” and completely normal (in order to boost your show’s ratings).

The Jerkalicious Way To Save Money in Expensive Cities

Save money at this tourist hot spot and climb the tower instead of taking the elevator.

When it came to traveling to Paris, all anyone told me was how expensive everything was. “You won’t be able to find a meal for less than 35 euros per person,” one friend said.

“If you search really hard, maybe you’ll find dinner for 20 euros, although, that’s only if you look really, really hard,” someone else told me.

Pub Crawlin’ Nerd Style

What do you do when you want to go a pub-crawl, are exhausted from climbing up two mountains and have frequently been labelled a nerd? Well, you go on a literary pub-crawl, of course.

The Pear Tree, Robert Burns's former crib and a stop on the Literary Pub Crawl

Five of my friends and I were in Edinburgh, Scotland on Saturday, February 21. A friend of a friend suggested we go on a literary pub-crawl, so we did.

Jerk Does Carnivale di Venezia

I’ll just make a generalized statement and say that every kid dreams of chucking confetti in their parent’s face while dressed up as a lion. The dream is even better if your parent is dressed as the lion. I realized that might have been my childhood dream if I knew that was possible and if you’re a kid growing up near Venice, Italy, this dream is a reality during Carnivale.

Forget Sasquatch...I found Cat People in Venice!

When my friend, Jeff, studying abroad in the Florence, Italy program, invited me to Carnivale in Venice I had no clue what Carnivale was. Jeff said it was “the biggest party in the world,” and within an hour I had my flight from London to Venice booked.