Words o’ Wisdom: Tucker Max Gives Law Advice

“Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD.”

-Tucker Max

How to star in a comic: lessons learned from The Twilight Saga author

Have no fear, Stephenie Meyer is here!

Last week Female Force comic book released a biography of The Twilight Saga author Stephenie Meyer. According to ComicsAlliance, the 28-page snoozer tells the story of how Meyer “grew up in the Southwest, got married, had kids, wrote some books about vampires and got rich.”

For those of you like myself, who read Meyer’s four-book saga, this news might make you say, “WTF? She’s the subject of an entire comic book?”

I’m not going to lie. I love The Twilight Saga. I’ve read all four books, own the DVD, have plans to see New Moon next week and am listening to the Twilight soundtrack (my younger sister burned me her friends’ copy) as I write this.

But, I adamantly proclaim that Meyer sucks at writing. She can tell a story, but the technical deliverance is another issue. Therefore, this comic book news made me realize, if Meyer can star in a comic book, so can I.

For the Bad Guy/Girl in Each of Us

Some nights, as I sit all cozy in my dorm room, I pretend I’m a killer.

No, really.

I always make sure that I am in front of my television when TruTV’s Forensic Files is on. As I follow the story of how murderers are hunted down, caught, and brought to justice, I imagine how much that must suck to be that killer. Aside from that, it’s so interesting to see how forensic scientists use their fancy equipment and simple footprints, hairs, and paint chips to solve a mystery.

Now that’s a pretty La-Z, boy…

Imagine: it’s late, you’re coming home from the bars and you’ve had a lot to drink, so what do you do? Walk? No. Call a cab? No. The only logical thing to do would be to drive your La-Z-Boy home, of course!

Sounds crazy, but believe it or not Dennis LeRoy Anderson, a 62 year old man from Minnesota, did just that. After having eight or nine beers back in August 2008 he left the bar in his powered La-Z-Boy and attempted to drive himself home. Unfortunately, on his way he crashed into a parked car.

I’m surprised he made it anywhere with a blood alcohol level of 0.29, which is over three times the legal limit. Anderson was not hurt during the accident and he turned himself in, pleading guilty to a DWI during his trial on Friday.

While this situation sucks, the chair on the other hand sounds awesome. It is a recliner that has a stereo and cup holders and it is powered by a converted lawnmower. Is this what 60-year-olds do in their retirement? Do we work our asses off for years so that one day we can say, “I’m bored today, and I’m old, I think I’m going to make my chair have a motor so I can go wherever I want,” and then actually ride it to a bar?

All I can say is, wow. Mr. Anderson, at 62 I admire you for your inventiveness, but your judgment on the other hand is seriously slipping. It is also a little too late for you to be trying to relive your youth by having a middle aged crisis, which should have probably taken place about 10 years ago.

Anderson received 2 years probation for his actions. Hopefully he will behave better next time and will have the common sense to do what all other people his age do, which does not include acting like a college frat boy.

~Brooke Belke

Words o’ Wisdom: Jerkin’ Wednesday Edition

 

Just a couple of Jerks.

“Some people have a way about them that seems to say: “If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.” 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

 

A Gift From Russia To Us

 

Best competition ever...(image from topnews.in)

This week, I’m bringing you another Youtube highlight. Last week was a psychopathic, World of Warcraft fiend. Now, here’s another spectacle of utter uniqueness. It’s called Russian Pole Dancing. And there are good-looking women gyrating and getting their Miley Cyrus on. And it’s awesome.

 

You would think the best moment of the recent pole-dancing championship would have had something to do with a wardrobe malfunction, but it didn’t. Check out this video where this pretty young thang loses control and falls, bringing the pole with her. I know, the nice guy in me is saying, “Make sure she is alright…” but I still let out a little cackle every time I see this:

After a few neutral warm-up moves, the girl starts to spin around on the pole. No clue how she does this. She starts picking up speed like a penny in one of those circular drains. Hair-flapping around. Fat jiggling (wait…no, she weighs like 27 pounds). The judge’s heads are probably rotating in accordance with her body, causing severe neck muscle workouts.

Then, all of a sudden the pole just tips over. She goes down with it and the pole smashes right into her face. A few people rush over to make sure she isn’t dead and the girl lays there for a few seconds, probably lavishing in her embarrassingly bad luck. Hey, at least she is a Youtube icon now.

I’m sorry, forget her feelings, forget the competition, forget any bodily damage she garnered. That is hilarious. Klutz.

I think her Luke Skywalker robe must’ve kept her from hitting the floor too hard. That has to be how she didn’t end up in the hospital. Or, maybe she just lost all feeling in her upper extremity nerves after being upside down for so long. Either way, I am definitely going to attend one of these “competitions” at some point. Who’s with me?

Words o’ Wisdom: When in Doubt, Insult the Editor Edition

“I’m going to forcefully sodomize your editor.”

-John Mayer

Words o’ Wisdom: Super Philosophical Edition

“I am hungry. Therefore I am.”

-Garfield

What’s Your Caption?

We all know that Jerk readers are such high-browed intellectuals, so submit your caption for this New Yorker cartoon in the comments section, and the winner with the best caption will be featured next week! Ready, set, start thinking!

Words o’ Wisdom: It’s Only Monday Edition

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
-Woody Allen