For the Bad Guy/Girl in Each of Us

Some nights, as I sit all cozy in my dorm room, I pretend I’m a killer.

No, really.

I always make sure that I am in front of my television when TruTV’s Forensic Files is on. As I follow the story of how murderers are hunted down, caught, and brought to justice, I imagine how much that must suck to be that killer. Aside from that, it’s so interesting to see how forensic scientists use their fancy equipment and simple footprints, hairs, and paint chips to solve a mystery.

Now that’s a pretty La-Z, boy…

Imagine: it’s late, you’re coming home from the bars and you’ve had a lot to drink, so what do you do? Walk? No. Call a cab? No. The only logical thing to do would be to drive your La-Z-Boy home, of course!

Sounds crazy, but believe it or not Dennis LeRoy Anderson, a 62 year old man from Minnesota, did just that. After having eight or nine beers back in August 2008 he left the bar in his powered La-Z-Boy and attempted to drive himself home. Unfortunately, on his way he crashed into a parked car.

I’m surprised he made it anywhere with a blood alcohol level of 0.29, which is over three times the legal limit. Anderson was not hurt during the accident and he turned himself in, pleading guilty to a DWI during his trial on Friday.

While this situation sucks, the chair on the other hand sounds awesome. It is a recliner that has a stereo and cup holders and it is powered by a converted lawnmower. Is this what 60-year-olds do in their retirement? Do we work our asses off for years so that one day we can say, “I’m bored today, and I’m old, I think I’m going to make my chair have a motor so I can go wherever I want,” and then actually ride it to a bar?

All I can say is, wow. Mr. Anderson, at 62 I admire you for your inventiveness, but your judgment on the other hand is seriously slipping. It is also a little too late for you to be trying to relive your youth by having a middle aged crisis, which should have probably taken place about 10 years ago.

Anderson received 2 years probation for his actions. Hopefully he will behave better next time and will have the common sense to do what all other people his age do, which does not include acting like a college frat boy.

~Brooke Belke

Words o’ Wisdom: Jerkin’ Wednesday Edition

 

Just a couple of Jerks.

“Some people have a way about them that seems to say: “If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.” 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

 

A Gift From Russia To Us

 

Best competition ever...(image from topnews.in)

This week, I’m bringing you another Youtube highlight. Last week was a psychopathic, World of Warcraft fiend. Now, here’s another spectacle of utter uniqueness. It’s called Russian Pole Dancing. And there are good-looking women gyrating and getting their Miley Cyrus on. And it’s awesome.

 

You would think the best moment of the recent pole-dancing championship would have had something to do with a wardrobe malfunction, but it didn’t. Check out this video where this pretty young thang loses control and falls, bringing the pole with her. I know, the nice guy in me is saying, “Make sure she is alright…” but I still let out a little cackle every time I see this:

After a few neutral warm-up moves, the girl starts to spin around on the pole. No clue how she does this. She starts picking up speed like a penny in one of those circular drains. Hair-flapping around. Fat jiggling (wait…no, she weighs like 27 pounds). The judge’s heads are probably rotating in accordance with her body, causing severe neck muscle workouts.

Then, all of a sudden the pole just tips over. She goes down with it and the pole smashes right into her face. A few people rush over to make sure she isn’t dead and the girl lays there for a few seconds, probably lavishing in her embarrassingly bad luck. Hey, at least she is a Youtube icon now.

I’m sorry, forget her feelings, forget the competition, forget any bodily damage she garnered. That is hilarious. Klutz.

I think her Luke Skywalker robe must’ve kept her from hitting the floor too hard. That has to be how she didn’t end up in the hospital. Or, maybe she just lost all feeling in her upper extremity nerves after being upside down for so long. Either way, I am definitely going to attend one of these “competitions” at some point. Who’s with me?

Words o’ Wisdom: When in Doubt, Insult the Editor Edition

“I’m going to forcefully sodomize your editor.”

-John Mayer

Words o’ Wisdom: Super Philosophical Edition

“I am hungry. Therefore I am.”

-Garfield

What’s Your Caption?

We all know that Jerk readers are such high-browed intellectuals, so submit your caption for this New Yorker cartoon in the comments section, and the winner with the best caption will be featured next week! Ready, set, start thinking!

Words o’ Wisdom: It’s Only Monday Edition

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
-Woody Allen

If Only it Wasn’t a Musical

Let’s get musical. I’m not a huge fan of musicals, but sometimes they’re just forced upon me. Mamma Mia was somewhat forced. I say somewhat because a part of me thinks that anything with Meryl Streep (even a musical) is worth seeing mostly because she’s, well, one of the most amazing actors of all time. And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad.

Mamma Mia is about a young girl (Amanda Seyfried from Mean Girls) who recently became engaged. After going her entire life without a father, she is determined to solve the mystery so that he can walk her down the aisle. After reading her mother’s (Meryl Streep) diary, she narrows it down to three men and invites them all to the wedding; much to her mother’s dismay.

Everything is better between slices of bread and fried in butter…

I’m in a cheese coma. And butter. And chocolate. And I may have severely compromised my complexion. And my figure. But it’s all in the name of discovery, of science, even. And I have discovered that you can make almost anything more delicious when reinterpreted as a grilled cheese sandwich.

I was surfing around on epicurious.com, looking for something for my first cooking blog entry. Something meaningful, and shocking, and attention-grabbing. Something that would pull people in. I am, after all, walking in similar shoes as Julie Powell, foraying into the unknown through a culinary wormhole in my tiny South Campus kitchen. But then I saw a recipe for “Fried Bittersweet Chocolate Bread” and all my cares went out the window.

“Fried Bittersweet Chocolate Bread” is an extremely simple and absolutely beautiful recipe. It’s a sandwich of chocolate cooked in a pan with butter until golden brown. And I wondered, “What else could I put between slabs of bread and fry in butter?”

Yummy ingredients for a yummy recipe, thanks to P&C.

A world of possibilities opened in my head, and I threw on my coat and hoofed it to P&C.

I came back an hour later, laden with Italian bread, mozzarella, brie, pepperoni, Hershey’s bars, and Reese’s cups. My kitchen was already stocked with bacon, raspberry jam, peanut butter, Colby jack cheese, apples, and, most important of all: butter.

I got to assembling, season three of The Office playing on Netflix in the background. I ended up with six creations. Brie and apple, mozzarella and pepperoni, Colby jack, bacon and brie, peanut butter and jelly, hershey’s chocolate, and reese’s peanut butter cup.