Dear Teen Soap Operas,
Hi, how are you? Gossip Girl? Pretty Little Liars? 90210? (Don’t worry, zip code show, I didn’t forget you) I’m sure you’re all fine, considering how hot everyone in your little gang is.
I just wanted to check in on you guys and maybe ask a couple questions, there’s a little confusion on my end that needs clearing up. I don’t want to waste too much of your time; I know you guys REALLY need to find out who “A” is. So I’ll just dive right in.
Where are your parents? Do they work all day, as well as all night? Why don’t they care where you are? I can’t even be in my room alone for ten minutes without my mom thinking I made a run for it, how do you drive to Tijuana for the weekend and just say, “I’m sleeping at Summer’s”? If I’m not home from a sleepover by 10 a.m. I have to brush all my dogs’ teeth.
Do any of you have more than 4 friends? Maybe you all should join (separate) clubs! I know; it’s been pretty risky for you all so far. It seems that every time one of you steps out of the box (yay!) to make a new friend they end up trying to kill all your original buddies to keep you for themselves! Here’s a thought though- stop picking the town klepto/nympho/pyromaniac as your new pal and maybe take a stroll through chess club next time you’re at school (but suspiciously never in class).
Are there any sweatpants in your town? Why haven’t you bought some? If you want us teen girls to relate to you, you really need to go home, take off those bangle bracelets and those fun fall boots, and make yourself look like you just woke up. I’m at the library right now and LET ME TELL YOU, no one here is ready to pound the pavement with Selena and Blair. So go make your hair look like a bird lives inside it. The men, too.
Last, but certainly not least, why do you want to kill each other? And why has the FBI not launched a full investigation into the murder your friends covered up 3 seasons ago? Like O.K “A”, we get it, those girls are annoying, why don’t you just teepee their houses? Just be like everyone else and do some sub-tweeting: “Can’t even handle you anymore #bye #overit” See? They get it. Go put that black mask and those matches away for another time.
I’m really hoping you guys get back to me in time for all your premieres! It’s going to be crazy; I’m pregaming each episode with a season of One Tree Hill.
Oh and on second thought I can tell that quirky chess girl is already hatching a murderous plan to become popular so just drop her.
You know you love me,